LS 3 – Love your Fellow Jew as you Love Yourself -V’Ahavta L’Rayacha Kamocha – Part 2

Review:
Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make it a point to call someone this week to wish them mazel tov on an occassion, share something positive you have learned from them or one of their family members, or feel internal happiness for their good fortune.
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.

Lesson #3
V’Ahavta L’Rayacha Kamocha
Love your Fellow Jew as you Love Yourself
Part 2

Jewish Law:
Let’s take a deeper look into this mitzvah.
A soul enters a person’s body that specifically matches its powers and potentials. People often complain about the parents they were born to, the times in which they live and even the body in which they find themselves. We must trust G-d’s perfect wisdom in placing our soul in our particular body, family and period of history. G-d gives each soul the exact situation it needs in order to become actualized. We must recognize that the tools we are given in this life are the exact means through which our souls evolve, which is the inherent purpose of our sojourn in this world. (Excerpt from Let’s Face It by Tzipora Heller). Without healthy self-esteem and self appreciation, one can be challenged in their abilities (or lack of) to love another person. More specifically, if a person can’t love themselves, how then can they love someone else?
People who accept and honor themselves trust that they can be liked and that people find them loveable. They understand that family and friends whom they love will usually love them in return. They also know that there are countless
reasons why some people do not like others and that there are those who may have unrealistic demands. When these self aware individuals perform a benevolent act, it is out of a genuine caring and a sincere desire to be of help, this form of caring constitutes gemilus chasadim, an act of loving kindness. Such people do not have to resort to tyranny to bolster a sagging self esteem. Their lives are relatively uncomplicated, and their relationships are almost always calm and predictable because their self esteem is internally driven.
There are two extremes when it comes to self identity. One extreme is the person who has a tendency to always judge themselves favorably and feels they do nothing wrong. The other type always notices all of their faults and only judges themselves negatively. Both extremes are harmful. If a person always judges himself favorably regardless of what they do, they will never correct their faults because they assume they have none. Conversely, if a person sees everything they do in a negative light, they are apt to consider themselves a failure and feel despair about ever improving. Such a person will be guilt ridden and depressed and they will also not try to improve.
The most productive attitude to uphold is when a person is aware of their faults, yet also is aware of their strengths and virtues. While they recognize their failings, they will also have the self-confidence that they can improve and grow. (Gateway to Self Knowledge – Rabbi Zelig Pliskin). This healthy sense of self breeds self love and therefore enables one to fulfill the mitzvah of “Loving Others as we Love Ourselves” with passion.

Story: (based on a true story)
All of us go through hard times in life. Most of the time when we experience these difficult moments, we’re often not aware of how our behavior impacts others or quite frankly, ourselves. Let me share a short story with you of a lesson I learned about the importance of self love.
I grew up in a home where the members of our family habitually looked over their shoulders, observing what others purchased, owned or were seeking. My family was concerned where the neighbors spent their money and with whom they spent their time. Juicy pieces of gossip were frequently shared and expected in our home. I admit this not to place blame on my family members, rather to give you an orientation to my background.
As I grew, I naturally viewed the world the same way as I had in the past. I busied myself with the goings on of everyone around me, knowing full well this may constitute lashon hora (the Torah prohibition of evil speech) but always finding a way to rationalize my reasons for knowing certain pieces of information.
One day, while I was chatting with my friend, Sarah, in her kitchen, I walked past her bulletin board which was laden with carpool schedules, dry cleaning bills, and invitations. Knowing that she wouldn’t mind my reading the upcoming activities in her family’s life, I looked around the board and enjoyed observing the similarities our lives displayed. Just as I was about to inform her that the price she paid for dry cleaning her table cloths was a bargain, I happened to notice an invitation to the Schwartz wedding. The Schwartz’s were old friends of ours.
“When did you get this invitation Sarah? I haven’t gotten mine yet,” I remarked.
“Oh, about three weeks ago, you didn’t get yours?” Sarah questioned.
At that point my thoughts were already spinning 100 miles per hour. ‘How could it be that I didn’t get invited to my friend’s son’s wedding?’ I thought to myself. I was just as close if not closer than Sarah was. I even traveled to her other son’s bar mitzvah a few years ago. I bought their son a nice gift for that bar mitzvah too! This reminds me of the time I was “oversighted” with Jordana’s wedding. We’ve belonged to the same gym for years, not to mention the fact that our children are friendly. It drove me crazy when I wasn’t invited to acquaintances occasions or even worse, when I’d hear that others were invited while I wasn’t. Thinking about these scenarios would consume vast parts of my day as I found myself sulking in self-pity or seething with anger.
My friend Sarah looked at me as if reading my mind and said, “I know exactly what you’re thinking and you’re wasting your time. You have such a full life and so much blessing to focus on and be thankful for. Why let something like this ruin your day? I know that it’s painful and frankly I’m not sure why you weren’t invited but to dwell on something that won’t change is not going to get you anywhere.”
“I know you’re right Sarah and I feel as if I’m acting like a 5 year old whose left out of a birthday party – I just can’t help but get emotional about it. It feels hurtful and I find it hard to control my feeling of being left out when I think about all the others that were invited. I was excluded. I know it sounds so childish but that’s how I feel,” I confided.
“The only reason I feel I can talk to you about this is because I used to suffer from the same concerns as you do. I would view everything as a personal insult and would feel that everyone had an active social life but me. I told myself I was excluded, so I felt excluded. Fortunately, someone once pointed out to me that if I wait for everyone else to shower attention on and love me in this world before I loved myself, I’d be left a sad and lonely woman. She explained to me that all of our lives include many curveballs with life circumstances that often initially don’t seem fair or just. If we truly realize our value and focus on what we DO have and the strengths G-d has given us, then we’ll have less time to waste precious minutes, hours and days thinking about everything we’re missing out on.”
After speaking with her for a long time, I realized I needed an overhaul in my thinking. I don’t know if it was the way she said it or if I was just feeling vulnerable and open, but I was actually able to internalize the message she was trying to convey.
What I heard her say was that in order to truly feel happy, be productive, and have healthy relationships, I must learn to take stock of my own life and realize how “rich” I am. To focus on everything I don’t have will only create an emotional reality of disappointment and dissatisfaction. To be able to see my strengths and concentrate on “the cup being half full” will spill over into my personal self-satisfaction as well as my relationships. Since this incident, I have often noticed that when I am feeling good about myself, I am a better friend and a better person in general. When I truly love myself, not only do my relationships reap benefit but I feel I’m being responsible to the soul G-d has given me.

Discussion Question Options:
If everyone were to view themselves as tremendously worthwhile people, with a vast amount of potential, how would this change their relationships?
What happens to someone who feels they need to be the best or exceptionally successful in order to feel good about themselves?
To what degree should other people’s opinions of you make you feel positive or negative about yourself?

Stretch of the Week:

Every night before you go to sleep this week, review five positive acts you performed that day.