Review:
Last weekâs stretch of the week was: Every night before you go to sleep this week, review five positive acts you performed that day.
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.
Lesson #4
Do Not Hate
Lo Sisna
Jewish Law:
The Torah commands us: Lo sisna achicha bilvavecha â âDo not hate your brother in your heartâ (Vayikra 19:17); that means that even if we do not do or say a word against our fellow Jew, if we harbor hatred in our hearts when it is prohibited to do so, we have violated this, no matter how hard we may be working to restrain ourselves. (Mishpetei Hashalom 2:1, 4)
Jews come in all stripes and types. The basic commandment forbids us to hate âyour brotherâ â this means any Jew. The mitzvah(commandment) is incumbent upon men and women alike, at all times and in all places. Children should be trained in this mitzvah(commandment) from a young age. We should certainly not do the opposite, and try to drag children into our own hostilities by urging them to dislike those we consider our enemies. The best way to train our children is by example. Phrases like âI canât stand so and so,â and other such hostile expressions should never be heard in our homes, especially in the childrenâs presence.
What is the minimum measure of the violation of not hating? Jewish law gives us a number of specifics: If we donât greet someone because of our feelings of anger or animosity (not because we were daydreaming or in the middle of a meeting), we have violated this commandment. If the person is someone we generally speak to regularly and we do not speak with him for three days because of our negative feelings toward him, then according to Jewish law, that constitutes hatred.
Our gut reaction when we experience hostile feelings being radiated toward us may be to reflect them right back. But the Torah expects us to overcome gut feelings. It isnât easy to abide by this requirement, but by meeting the challenge, we can succeed in overcoming our natural, base instincts. More often than not we will gain something as well: if we consistently respond to otherâs hatred with expressions of love, most likely otherâs icy fronts will melt away thereby making peace with one another.
(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)
Story: (based on a true story)
Jon and my husband Peter were best friends since elementary school. They went to the same camps. They went to the same high school and basically had always experienced life events together with the same loyal spirit as bagels and lox.
We spent every summer together at our vacation home on the Island and soon enough his wife Stacey and I became the best of friends as well. Our children were theirs and theirs were ours. You get the picture.
So as you can imagine, when Jon overheard Peter speaking with another neighbor about Peterâs stinginess in resisting the maintenance fee for the house grounds, he was in for quite a surprise.
âYeah, good âole Jon is great at taking care of his family but when it comes to other expenses, his wallet is like a lead weight in that back right pocket of his. Iâd never say it to him though. Heâs too stubborn to hear someone elseâs opinion. Itâs just the way he is.â
Shock! Hurt! Pain! Anger!
âWhat nerve to speak about me that way!â Peter expressed later that night. âAfter all these years! How could he talk about me like that?!â What could I say? I was as stunned as he was. Itâs true, we did have a few disagreements and arguments over the past few months which may have lead to his negative comments but for Jon to vent his frustration to a fellow neighbor was totally stepping out of bounds.
The next morning Peter ignored Jon at the golf club. The same happened when bumping into each other at the local Starbucks. Jon approached Peter many times to find out why he was being shunned and to clear the air but Peter just walked away. Stacey tried speaking with me but I ignored her as well. Words spoken about my husband like that, aimed at his pride were simply unforgivable.
Slowly but surely this once tight spool of thread of a friendship began to unravel until there was nothing left but a quarter inch piece of string left hanging.
I canât really pinpoint how, when, or where our emotions were holding but the word âhateâ was definitely one of the most prominent. We tried to control our feelings and not seethe in anger but with every passing family occasion they had which they neglected to invite us to or every block BBQ they hosted in which we were not included, the hate and anger grew. To this day, Iâm not exactly sure why we let this beautiful friendship just slip away but embarrassingly, that is what we did.
The years moved on and I guess as I matured and grew and had my own fair share of lifeâs challenges I felt something slightly shift within me. I felt a primal pull and desire to put it all behind us but never felt the strength nor the courage to do what had to be done.
Then it happened. That unexpected call in the middle of the night that my father-in-law had suffered a massive stroke and without a huge miracle was not expected to survive until the morning. Peter and I jumped into the car and rushed to the hospital, all the way praying like we had never before. It was too late though. Dad was gone and so was a great man; a man who stood for peace, friendship, and unconditional love.
During the first days of shiva I busied myself with calling old acquaintances to inform them of my father in lawâs death. When Jon and Staceyâs name appeared on the screen, I knew the time was ripe. In the merit of my heroic action to finally make the call, in the merit of my ability to overcome my old hate and weary anger, in the merit of attempting to reignite an old and beautiful friendship, I prayed my next move would allow my father-in-lawâs soul to rest in peace. I decided to attempt to reconnect with our dear old friends but wanted to be smart about it. After thinking the matter over, I enlisted a mutual friend to make the initial phone call to inform Jon and Stacey that we wanted to reconcile and start anew.
What can I say? Within an hour Jon was at our house squeezing and embracing my husband while tears streamed down their faces. With moist eyes and open hearts, they apologized to each other and sat and schmoozed like old times. Later that night, I called Stacey directly and apologized to her. We had a long, touching conversation about our relationship, admitted to each other that we all make mistakes both large and small, and were at peace at last.
Looking back over these past few years, I realize the enormous mistakes we made. We accused, we judged, we bared grudges and made petty assumptions. But the greatest regret of all was the fact that we wasted ten precious years with people whom we loved so much. Had we just cleared the air from the beginning,
either directly or with an intermediary we wouldnât have lost out on so much in each otherâs lives.
I now take this lesson with me everywhere I go in life. Hate and anger are powerful but not nearly as deeply satisfying as love, forgiveness, and true friendship.
Discussion Question Options:
Is the scenario in this story a common one? Do people have misunderstandings and allow relationships to end based on assumptions and accusations? Why does this happen?
In what ways does envy arouse feelings of hatred?
Do people often dislike those who struggle with the same character flaws that they have?
Stretch of the Week:
Find someone whom you are not so fond of and do something for them (with or without them knowing).