Review:
Last weekâs stretch of the week was: Think of a way that you can help the Jewish
people as a whole.
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.
Lesson #7
Dan L’chaf Z’chus
Judge All People Favorably
Jewish Law:
Our Sages tell us: Dan L’kaf Z’chus â âJudge all people favorablyâ (Ethics of our
Fathers 1:6). We pass judgment all the time. Any time we see someone
performing a questionable act our judgmental antennae go up and in our minds
we rule “guilty” or “not guilty.” Depending upon the case and the nature of the
person we are observing, the Torah delineates how we are expected to exercise
that judgment.
The basic rule is: In general, any time we see a person doing something that could be construed as either a positive or a negative act, we are obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt and judge him favorably in our minds rather than
suspecting him of being guilty of committing an aveira.
If we judge someone negatively in a case where Jewish law would require us to
judge him favorably, then even if he turns out to be guilty of wrongdoing, it would
appear that we are still guilty of violating the mitzvah. And the opposite is true: If
we judge someone favorably as required, and when the truth emerges we learn
that the person really was guilty, we can rest assured that we fulfilled the mitzvah
properly, regardless of the reality of the situation.
Note that this mitzvah addresses our thought process. Even if we have not said or done anything based on our negative evaluation of the person, once we have
judged him negatively in our minds we have violated this mitzvah of the Torah and
will be liable.
(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)
Story: (based on a true story)
Get over here right now and don’t do that again!” this seemingly unloving and
insensitive young mother shouted to her blue-eyed, adorable two year old
daughter.
“I’ve told you a million times âDon’t play in the sandboxâ! It’s dirty and germy and
then you end up getting sand all over the stroller, the car, and the house! I’ve had
enough! Now be a good girl and play like all the other children!”
Wow! This poor woman needed some serious parenting classes. In my mind, she was absolutely unfit to raise this sweet child. I wondered, wasnât it embarrassing for her to be losing control of herself especially in public?
My anger towards her was growing with each sentence she shrieked. How
could she call herself a mother? How could she not realize the damage she was
causing with each reprimanding remark? Not only was her behavior
unacceptable, I wondered about the lasting negative effect this would make on
her innocent child.
Instantly I was struck with an insight that hit me like a ton of bricks: I realized I had a living example in front of me of a class that I had recently attended. We learned
the importance of removing our harsh judgment of others in attempt to truly
improve our relationships. G-d judges us based on how we judge others. At the
rate I was judging, I would have a lot of explaining to do to the Him. Fortunately I
realized I had a tremendous opportunity in my hands. Instead of pursuing my selfsatisfying view of sizing up the situation from my narrow perspective, I decided to channel this pent up energy by doing a deliberate mitzvah: “judging people (this woman) favorably”.
Normally I donât see myself as a strong person. With this incident, I really felt a tug
from both ends. Still, somehow I was able to muster up the strength to work on
giving this mother the benefit of the doubt. I began to be her defendant. I
thought to myself: maybe this woman was just having a hard day and is normally
very loving, understanding, and gentle. Maybe she’s not feeling well. Maybe she
is under tremendous pressure or maybe she is doing the best she can with who she is and the background she comes from. After I started thinking about all the
possibilities, there seemed to be an endless amount of ways I could positively
relate to the situation. As I continued to creatively imagine more ways of judging
her favorably, I felt my emotional barometer cool down. Before I knew it, my feet
were walking over to this woman whose very presence bothered me to no end just five short minutes before. My critical nature began to melt into friendly
understanding. Miraculously I struck up a conversation with her. I found her to be
quite pleasant, warm, and easy to talk to. After a brief conversation we
established a connection that bonded us. She confided in me that this was her
first child and she was having an extremely difficult time finding the right words to
communicate with her. She admitted that she desperately needed a parenting
workshop and today felt she was at her wit’s end but didn’t know where to turn. It
was divine providence that I knew about a new class forming in the
neighborhood. I gave her the information and we exchanged numbers.
It scared me when I considered the slippery slope I found myself in. Just a half an
hour earlier I was entrapped in such negative thinking. With proper intention I
could rejoice in my ability to choose a positive and productive path by taking the
time to consider my thoughts and responses. What initially seemed to me to be so clear and obvious was so wrong, misconstrued and misguided. Best of all, I feel so fortunate that I had the strength to choose to view this situation with a clear mind and an open heart.
In the end, instead of dismissing a fellow Jew, I made a new friend.
Discussion Question Options:
Is it necessary to know why someone acts in ways we donât understand in order for us to judge them favorably?
Why do people often assume the worst when seeing poor behavior in someone
else?
What experiences have taught you to judge people favorably?
(without getting into too many details)
Stretch of the Week:
At least once this week try to be less judgmental of someone’s annoying behavior.