Review:
Last week’s stretch of the week was: Think of someone you have felt jealous of in the past and work on feeling pleasure in his/her accomplishments or good fortune.
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.
Lesson #9
Kavod
Respecting Others
Part 1
Jewish Law:
In Ethics of our Fathers (4:1) it says: “Who is honorable? Someone who shows honor and respect to other people”. This teaches us that it’s not how other people treat you that make you important and honorable, rather, it’s how you treat others.
When you realize that every human being is created in the image of G-d, you realize that right from birth every human being is important and valuable. By being respectful to other human beings, you add to your self-respect. You recognize that when you treat others with respect, you are expressing respect to the Creator. You can accomplish this by imagining that everyone you meet wears a sign saying: “Please treat this child of Mine with great respect. [signed] Your Father, Your King, Creator and Sustainer of the Universe.
The word “kavod” comes from the word “kaved” which means “heavy”. Kavod means that we realize that every person has weight and must be taken seriously. Kavod HaBrios, the dignity of man, is given the highest priority in the Torah. Respect for another human being is not contingent on his merits but simply on his humanity.
(Excerpt from Building your Self-Image by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin)
Story: (based on a true story)
The story I’m about to tell you is not about the particular details of how or why I turned to the street nor should it serve to scare or disturb you. Rather, my hope is to inspire you as to why I decided to return home. As of last year, I am totally back on track, but probably would not had it not been for the efforts of one very special woman.
In my early teenage years I went through a very hard time. I suffered from low self-esteem for various reasons and therefore associated with the wrong crowd. I didn’t want to challenge myself to pursue any goal or dream; I just wanted to get by. I experienced negative, sad feelings everyday. I had no one I respected or admired to talk to. The only way of expressing my frustration at that time was to rebel. Slowly and sadly, my life that was somewhat stable grew farther away from my everyday reality. It got to the point where I would often be on the streets just “hanging out” and thinking about “partying.” While I was on the streets, I would often meet family and neighbors. Their reaction to me would be either to totally ignore me and pretend as if I didn’t exist, or, to approach me with condemnations about the embarrassment I was to my family. Somehow, people felt that if they would ignore me I wouldn’t notice and if they rebuked me it would help. Every once in a while I would meet someone who would genuinely talk to me but they were few and far between.
I was having a hard time in life. I didn’t need a “talking to”. I didn’t need to be made to feel guilty. I didn’t need to be ignored or embarrassed. What I needed was genuine love, care, and concern. I needed someone to treat me like a person and talk to me like I counted despite my different appearance and peculiar hobbies.
One day, as I was sitting on a curb in front of a busy shopping area, Mrs. Cohen, the mother of an old friend from elementary school approached me. She had a big smile on her face, looked genuinely happy to see me, and said “Hi! Wow! What a nice surprise! I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?” I wasn’t sure how to react but I felt safe with her. I wasn’t accustomed to people talking to me in such a warm way. As I look back, I (now) know that I was partially to blame for creating this distance. In much of my teenage years I suspected that most adults I knew judged me. They showed their disappointment whenever they’d catch a glimpse of me. I avoided eye contact, wore intimidating clothes, and had an unkempt hairstyle. Mrs. Cohen stood there for about 10 minutes to schmooze and inquire as to what was happening in my life. It was quite obvious that I wasn’t the same person she knew back then but it didn’t seem to bother her. We finished our conversation and she walked away. For some reason, I hadn’t felt as good as I had then at that moment for months. It’s not that she said anything monumental. She just treated me like a regular person. I even felt some respect in her voice. I didn’t remember feeling respected for a long time. I felt really good.
Over the next two weeks, somehow Mrs. Cohen frequented the shopping area where we had met. She would always make it a point to approach me and talk about whatever was going on in my mind. It came to a point when she realized I hadn’t had a place to sleep on a consistent basis that she asked if I would consider joining her family for dinner and to sleep over for the night. Some nights I actually accepted her offer, while on others, I needed my space. I continued with my decadent life style for several more months. I was so full of confusion that my only comfort was in the freedom of the street. Her constant positive attention, genuine care, and nonjudgmental concern though made a very deep impression on me. She never gave up on me. I knew that if I needed anything, I could call her and she would be there. Whether she was or not, I never sensed she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I felt that her respect for me made up for what I was lacking in myself. In the end I finally did move into her family’s home and through her love, care and concern was able to completely turn my life around and become the person I am today.
I now know that one of the best gifts you can give someone is absolutely free. This gift is honor and respect. When you show that you respect someone else, they, in turn, come to the realization that they are respectable and end up viewing life through totally new lenses. This enables them to see their value and unique contribution that they can make in the world and empowers them to actualize that potential.
I owe my life to Mrs. Cohen. Without her, I may still be sitting on a street curb. Through her kindness, I am happy, productive, and willing to grow everyday and I can honestly say that now I like myself.
Discussion Question Options:
How do people gain respect? How do people lose respect? Is respect something that someone must earn or should we give it to any person?
If someone suffers from lack of self-respect what effect can your respecting them have on them?
How would one gain if s/he were to act with respect even to those people who do not act with respect towards them?
Stretch of the Week:
Make it a point to acknowledge someone through thought or action that you previously had not had an appreciation for.