LS 11 – Hurtful Speech

Review:
Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make an effort to smile when you meet people and notice their reply.
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.

Lesson #11
Hurtful Speech

Jewish Law:

The Torah tells us: “Do not aggrieve one another, and you shall fear G-d” (Leviticus: 25). From this verse, the Sages learn that, just as it is forbidden to hurt people financially by defrauding them in business relationships, so too it is forbidden to hurt people with words. The Talmud (Oral law) states that in several ways hurting others with words is a more severe transgression than cheating them financially. Money taken fraudulently can be returned; hurt feelings cannot always be restored. Fraud affects only the person’s belongings; “ona’as devarim” – hurting with words – affects the person himself.
The main obligation of “Hurtful Speech” is to refrain from intentionally saying or doing things that will shame or cause pain. This includes any words or actions that embarrass, humiliate, frighten, anger, shock or cause suffering to another person. In other words, anything that might cause the other person an unpleasant feeling would be prohibited. The prohibition applies equally to both children and adults.
Although the main obligation of ”Hurtful Speech” is causing intentional hurt, we should take precautions to keep our distance from anything that might lead us to cause pain to another person, even inadvertently. Some examples of “thoughtless hurtful speech” include disturbing someone’s sleep, smoking or spitting in the company of others, taking someone’s turn in line or opening a window on a bus on a cold day when most people would prefer it closed.
(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)

Story: (based on a true story)
Excitement filled the air on our block due to the exciting news of a new family moving into the area. We are a small community surrounded by acres and acres of land so when a new family considers moving in, we’re all just thrilled and will often throw some sort of block party to encourage them to actually buy in the area.  “So, how can I participate?” Melissa, a neighbor, said to me knowing that I was one of the coordinators of the welcoming party.
“Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ve got everything under control” I answered her.
“It’s my pleasure though! I can make a salad, some cookies or even bring a few bags of ice!” my neighbor answered.
“Really, it’s okay. We’ve divided up the jobs already and everything’s taken care of. I hope you and your husband will come though. I think Jenny is making the calls tonight so she’ll inform you of all the details.”
“Okay,” Melissa answered. “If you and the other coordinators change your mind, please let me know.”
I forgot about our conversation and continued on with my day. Later that night, as I was relaxing over a cup of tea, my phone rang. It was Melissa.
“I have to be honest with you, I really feel…..” There was silence at the other end of the line for a few seconds, then sniffles, then an obvious cry.
“What Melissa? Did something bad happen?” I questioned.
“Yes and I feel that it’s time that I finally spoke up. I have lived in this neighborhood for 5 years now and even though I find everyone to be special in so many ways, I feel that there is a certain level of snobbery going on. Why do some of you feel you have the ‘right’ to call all the shots on everything that goes on here? So what if you decide that the menu will be this or that? If one of us calls and offers to join in helping out with any event, how does anyone lose out by making that person feel wanted, needed, and a part of the action? Whereas I feel connected on a certain level to some people on the block, I never really felt that I made it to the ‘inner circle’. When I heard about the party for the new family I felt that it would be such a wonderful opportunity to come together as a united
group and participate and contribute together. Instead, I was met with a response which sounded like ‘thanks, but no thanks’. That left me feeling ‘out of it’ once again. I really wish there was more sensitivity and less focus on the food, décor, and ambiance.”
Left in a state of shock, I apologized and expressed that I meant no harm. I didn’t know what else to say. Because I was caught off guard, I quickly ended the conversation and called my old friend. I explained to her what happened and over the next hour she was able to get me to realize that perhaps my neighbor had a point and that even beyond that, if I were to really dig deep, I would probably sense that I felt a certain level of satisfaction from saying no to people because it gave me a sense of control that I had the power to make ‘the decisions’. If I was really being honest with myself I could see that I sometimes send others messages that may come across as confusing or even insulting.
After getting clarity on my intentions and the way I had come across, I called my neighbor Melissa and sincerely apologized. I thanked her for being open and honest with me and pointing out a flaw that I and our other neighbors needed to work on. I truly look forward to block parties now and the friendship and good will that can be created in the process.

Discussion Question Options:
To what degree should a person watch their speech around people who are sensitive and have emotional needs that are different than their own?

When we have the urge to insult, embarrass, or humiliate someone else, is this always a sign that we ourselves are suffering in some way? Is hurtful speech ever justified?

How can one become more aware of the effect of their words on people they speak with?

Stretch of the Week:

Before lashing out at someone, quietly count to 10, and ask yourself “do I really know what this person is saying to me?”