Review:
Last week’s stretch of the week was: Find someone whom you are not so fond of and do something for them (with or without them knowing).
Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.
Lesson #5
Hochayach Tocheyach es Amisecha
The Obligation to Give Rebuke
Part 1
Jewish Law:
The Torah tells us: Hochei’ach tochiach es amisecha – “Reprove your fellow Jew” (Vayikra 19:17). If we see a Jew transgressing a mitzvah toward G-d or toward another person – we have a responsibility to give him rebuke – to inform him that he is mistaken – so that he will correct his actions.
Many people mistakenly perceive rebuke as a negative confrontation when in actuality, we should be happy to receive it and be grateful to those who offer it. In fact, when a person has a number of friends, some of whom flatter and others who rebuke when necessary, one should favor the latter; those are the friends who really care about you and your future.
When possible, a person should try to live near one’s mentor, so that they can benefit from their rebuke – but only on condition that one accepts it.
The attitude we adopt toward rebuke may affect the obligation of those around us, since according to some, the mitzvah to reprove is relevant only toward someone who will be pleased to hear the rebuke. If the recipient will respond with hatred and possibly revenge, the other person is free of the obligation to rebuke.
A person who despises rebuke is actually harming himself. By refusing to hear the words of those who rebuke him, he blocks off options for correcting his ways and remains stuck in his mistakes, since in his self imposed ignorance he does not even see them as wrong. (Mishpetei Hashalom 9:4, 6)
You might wonder: What happened to our all-important mtzvah of judging others favorably? Why should we immediately assume that the person is mistaken or doing something wrong? Maybe the act is not what it appears to be; perhaps he is justified in doing what he is doing.
True, in your heart you should certainly judge the person favorably. However, this does not give you license to sit back and let him carry on with his action that is a possible sin (mistake). Rather, you should question him diplomatically, and if you find that he indeed did something wrong, you should give him “tochachah”, rebuke. (Mishpeitei Hashalom 9:2-3)
(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)
Story: (based on a true story)
I am the type of person people enjoy telling a piece of good news to because I react with great emotion. That’s the positive side of this particular character trait. The negative side is that I’m short tempered and react quickly often before I fully think through what I’m doing.
My friend, Annie is the opposite. She is well thought out, calm, and contemplative. I notice many of my friends have this same trait, probably because I inwardly admire their patient, well thought out attitude and know that I grow from being around them.
To illustrate, let me share a dialogue which occurred between Annie and myself a few weeks ago. Annie asked if we could get together on Sunday afternoon to discuss something. I was delighted and said I’d be at her house around noon.
Sunday arrived. I walked over to her house and was warmly greeted by Annie with an invitation to sit and enjoy some iced coffee. She then proceeded to tell me that she really wanted to work on herself, her growth and her character traits and wanted to ask if I had any pointers for her in her quest to improve in any area of her life. I thought, couldn’t come up with anything, and told her so. After being prodded a little by her, I managed to think of one small area she MAYBE needed to work on. She heard what I had to say and thanked me profusely. Afterwards we continued talking about our other interests: children, work schedules, cooking
and carpools. All the while I kept thinking about what an impressive person she was and how she always seemed to be in a positive growth mode.
We were about to wrap up our little get together when I had the urge to ask Annie if she felt there was anything I should work on. After all, it only seemed fair. She sat and thought for a couple of minutes and said there actually was something she could think of and proceeded to explain it to me. She didn’t give me a long critical speech with condescending words, as I was accustomed to in the past. Instead she shared a couple of ideas with me that were beautifully sandwiched with love and praise. Annie shared a few examples that demonstrated how I displayed this particular character trait. I acknowledged she was correct, vowed to work on it, and profusely thanked her. We ended our conversation warmly within a few minutes.
It was not until I was half way home that I realized what truly happened. Annie didn’t really want rebuke or advice from me, she wanted to give me some advice; and engineered the most sensitive way to do it. Not only did I not feel embarrassed, she actually maneuvered a way to get me to ask for it! There are so many wonderful things I learn from Annie but this aspect of helping and correcting with love and respect actually made me want to grow and improve rather than deny and accuse. I honestly feel that most people would be willing to see their mistakes when the rebuke is given in a sincere, loving, and gentle way.
Discussion Question Options:
Why do many people get offended when given rebuke?
What is the difference between the unpopular “giving advice when you’re not being asked” and performing the mitzvah of giving rebuke?
If you felt certain that you could help someone by giving her advice but she would probably feel annoyed at you for giving it to her, would you still offer?
Stretch of the Week:
This week when you give someone constructive criticism, do it with compassion and understanding rather than with anger and accusations.