Situations

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Try to understand what’s behind an angry response and replace it with a calmer one. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #51 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Any Love That Depends Upon Something Kol Ahava She’Hee T’luya B’Davar Perek Hai, Mishna Yud Tes Story:  My former roommate married into a wealthy family.  Her spacious home is tastefully decorated, and not at all ostentatious, but clearly a step above the homes of most of our peers.  Although she doesn’t work outside the home, Miriam is always extremely busy with her family, community projects and social activities. I am glad to have maintained a friendship with Miriam over the years, but often feel less than perfect in her company.  I don’t work outside the home either but am somehow always completely overwhelmed.  The bills, the dishes, the laundry are catalysts for seemingly endless piles on the kitchen counter as well as multiple discussions with my husband about how to make ends meet.  Last summer, as the month of August approached, conversations about carpools for the school year began to unfold.  My oldest child was only seven and I also had a five year old, three-year-old twins and a newborn.  That being said, I needed to pick up all of my children from school and playgroup with an infant in tow.  Although a stay at home mother, Miriam had a live-in nanny and often enjoyed the freedom of shopping trips, classes and a weekly date night with her husband. For me a babysitter is a luxury, reserved only for the occasional simcha or emergency.  Date night is a distant memory from when we were first married, and classes with a colicky newborn were out of the question.  The twins only went to playgroup until noon three days per week so I really needed the other mornings to keep the house together. I walked my children to and from their backyard camps, grateful that they were able to attend for at least a part of the day, pushing the baby in a stroller.  I knew that this routine would not be so easy once school started earlier and cold weather set in. One day I ran into Miriam at the bakery and she suggested a carpool arrangement.  She would drive my older children home Mondays and Wednesdays, I could drive Tuesdays and Thursdays and we could alternate on Fridays.  The problem was that I had no seats in my car for Miriam’s children because all of my kids would be in the car.  This wasn’t an issue for Miriam since she had a nanny and did not have to bring her other children with her to drive carpool. I would have been so grateful to have any help at all and not have to schlep three cranky younger children to do carpool, even if for only a couple of days a week.  I felt resentful of Miriam.  I thought to myself, “She has full time help and never has to schlep her kids anywhere.  What is the big deal for her to pick up her own kids?  She could easily drive an empty car every afternoon and take my kids home.  My house is on the way.  I would be happy to share the days, but have no room in my car.  Why can’t she just help me out?” I politely reminded Miriam about the issue of having no spaces in my van and asked her for advice.  I secretly hoped that she would offer to bring my children home since she does chessed often and it was pretty obvious to anyone that this would be a big one. Miriam said that she understood and wished me the best in finding a carpool situation that worked for me.  I was smiling on the outside but fuming on the inside.  “Doesn’t she understand that help with carpool would mean so much to me?  Is it such a big deal?” I thought about it for a moment. It likely is a big deal to her. Maybe she needs help because is truly overwhelmed by the day to day routine of cooking, cleaning and carpool. Maybe she secretly envies me because somehow I do manage it all. As I was contemplating this Miriam said, “Rebecca, the nanny is off tonight and David and I always have date night on Thursdays.  Would you mind if I drop my kids at your house for a couple of hours tonight?  “Sure Miriam,” I smiled.  “No problem.” For me, I reminded myself, it really wasn’t. Pirkay Avos: “Kol ahava she’hee t’luya b’davar, batel davar, b’taila ahava, v’she’aina t’luya badavar, aina b’taila l’olam…“ “Any love that depends upon something, when that thing ceases, the love will cease.  But if it is not dependent on anything, it will never cease…“(Perek Hai, Mishna Yud Tes). In Lashon HaKodesh, and as it is used in our mishna, love refers to a closeness, a connection, meaning that two people who love each other intensely consider themselves like one unit.  Indeed, the numerical value of the word ahava, love, is equal to the numerical value of echad, one.  Both are thirteen.  Thus, when a person feels love for Torah, for wisdom, and acts of kindness, he feels that these are a part of who he is. Rabbainu Ovadia of Bartenura defines a love dependent on something as a love for something physical, such as physical beauty, strength and wealth.  None of these are permanent.  Contrarily, any love dependent upon something eternal and unchanging may be defined as being “not dependent on anything.”  For example, a person’s love for those who are wise and righteous will endure because he loves their wisdom and righteousness.  Even if a person ages, changes, or passes away, the love of wisdom and righteousness does not change. Tiferes Yisrael defines “love dependent on something” as any love that is responsive to a cause; when the cause ceases,

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Find out what would be a true chessed for someone you do not naturally feel close to and do it for that person even if it will cause you a minor amount of inconvenience or discomfort. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  Lesson #52 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS [He] Shares The Burden Of His Colleague No’say B’Ole Im Chavayro Perek Vav, Mishna Vav Story:  (based on a true story) I was someone who might have been considered an “older single”, not having found my soul mate until my late thirties.  One by one, my closest friends got married while I was still serial dating throughout my twenties . . . and thirties.  At the announcement of every engagement, I was genuinely happy for my girlfriends, despite the gnawing feeling caused by being “always a bridesmaid and never a bride”. Finally, at the wedding at one of my friends, I was introduced to Jacob, a wonderful, intelligent and sensitive accountant from my hometown.  We were married six months later and I can say with absolute certainty that he was worth the wait!  Five years later, I am a grateful mother of three happy, healthy children and we are a family that is firmly rooted in a growing Jewish community. One of my friends from college, Sarah, lives close by and is a frequent guest in our home.  She is an attractive, successful attorney who is great with kids and keeps busy with work and social events.  That being said, although she desperately wants to be married and start a family, she has not been able to “find the right one”.  Over the years I have tried to set her up a couple of times with men from my husband’s office or other singles in town, but Sarah is never interested.  There is always an issue . . . “there’s no chemistry”, “he’s unemployed”, “he’s divorced”, etc.  Often her points seem valid but, admittedly, I had stopped making a strong effort to suggest new potential matches, anticipating another negative reaction to my latest idea. Sarah often offers to babysit so my husband and I can go out at night.  Our kids love her and she works on her laptop after they go to sleep so it works out well for everyone.  Last Thursday was our wedding anniversary and Sarah arrived just after we had settled the kids in bed.  We were on our way to catch a concert in the city and, after thanking Sarah profusely, rushed out the door in anticipation of a fabulous evening. Once we had turned the corner, I realized that I had left the concert tickets at home.  I asked Jacob to drive back and wait in the car so I could run back inside.  When I entered the house, I found Sarah crying quietly, with her head in her hands, at the kitchen table.  When I asked her what was wrong she said, “It’s me.  There’s something wrong with me.  There must be because I just can’t find the right guy.  I can’t take driving home to an empty apartment anymore.  Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?”  I realized that I could not leave my friend in this state, but also remembered my husband sitting in the car waiting to start our date. I poured Sarah a glass of water and told her I would be right back, her sobs growing louder as I walked into the living room to call Jacob and explain the situation.  We quickly agreed that I needed to stay and be with my friend.  Jacob quietly came back inside through the garage door and went upstairs to give us some privacy, while Sarah and I stayed up through the night.  We talked about what might be holding her back.  She agreed to be more open-minded about suggestions and that we would work through the issues that seemed to be obstacles as they arose.  I resolved to make a concerted effort to help her through this and reignite my efforts to find her a match, instead of avoiding the subject. I’m not sure when Sarah’s husband will arrive but I hope that it will be soon.  Her loneliness serves as a reminder to be grateful for my husband and children.  Through my relationship with Sarah, I am further reminded that we are all one people and that, if one of us is suffering, it is as if all of the Jewish people are suffering.  The price of the concert tickets was a small one to pay for these spiritual reminders.  After all, a few short years ago, it could have easily been me crying, with my head in my hands, at someone else’s kitchen table. Pirkay Avos: “…V’haTorah niknais b’arba’im u’sh’mo’ne d’vorim…no’say b’ole im chavayro…“ “…and the Torah is acquired with forty-eight things…[he] shares the burden of his colleague…“(Perek Vav, Mishna Vav).A person who shares the burden of his colleague delves into the viewpoint of a dissenting colleague and tries to understand his reasoning. Thus we often find in the Talmud that an a’mora resolves a question directed at his disputant.  For instance, “Abaye explained something according to the viewpoint of Rava” (Shabbos 52b etc.) (Ruach HaChaim).  A person who shares the burden of his colleague empathizes with him, desires his success as much as he desires his own, and averts his eyes from his colleague’s flaws.  But what is the connection between that and acquiring Torah?  The answer is that Torah is given to the Jewish people as a whole, and not to any single individual.  Therefore, in order to attain the Torah, a person must be part of a community. Moshe Rabbainu was a prime example of a person who shares the burden of his colleague when he was still a privileged young prince in the house of Par’o.  When Moshe learned of the decrees that