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Welcome to our first Ahavas Yisrael (AY) Group meeting. We have chosen to become involved with this growing project because we know that, by learning the laws of interpersonal relationships, we’ll enjoy more positive interactions with the people in our lives. Additionally, we are assuming our historic role as Jewish women by committing to studying the laws of Ahavas Yisrael, or loving ones fellow Jew. The role of the Jewish people is to illuminate the presence of HaShem (G-d) in the world. While we comprise a miniscule fraction of the world population, we have influenced history and shaped progress to such a large degree that our contributions cannot solely be credited to our intellect; it must certainly be something else. In our greatest era, the Jewish people lived peacefully with the Bais HaMikdash (Holy Temple) that provided us with a direct channel to HaShem. Everyone on earth could recognize His sovereignty, as the Bais HaMikdash was open to all nations. During this time, the Jewish people exemplified their potential by serving as spiritual emissaries to the world. Judaism teaches that HaShem only allowed the Romans to destroy the Temple and exile us among the nations when we became incapable of treating one another with compassion, respect and love. In contemporary society, an increasing number of challenges affect every aspect of our lives. Life-threatening illness, divorce, substance abuse, children at-risk and financial struggle are all too commonplace. We cannot help but be bewildered at the suddenness with which Israel has become the world’s scapegoat. Why is HaShem doing this to us? The answer is simple: He wants to awaken us. He wants us to do our job and show the world that everyone deserves a special relationship with his/her Creator. That is why the Jewish Women’s Project for Ahavas Yisrael, or AY Project, was formed. The founders of this initiative were inspired to create a positive way to deal with the negative situations we face today. As Jewish women, we know that our ultimate purpose is to bring the world to the recognition of HaShem as we did when the Bais HaMikdash stood. We also know that we lost that opportunity because we did not observe the laws of bain adam l’chavairo, of treating one another with dignity. Since we do not currently merit the Holy Temple, and continue to see calamities surround us and escalate with no end in sight, it is clear that now is the time to focus on rebuilding Ahavas Yisrael. By learning how to implement the mitzva (commandment) of v’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha, loving your neighbor as yourself, we can have happier lives and relationships. The Torah leaders of our generation tell us that, by stretching beyond the barriers of our comfort zone in this area, we can actually bring protection to the Jewish people. The AY Project coordinators provide approved curriculum* to each group leader in advance of each Group, which meets for 20 minutes weekly. In each session we’ll learn and discuss a halacha of Ahavas Yisrael and hear an inspiring story that illustrates how one woman applied the halacha in her life. Each session ends with a practical exercise so we can practice what we have learned during the week as well. Now for our first lesson. Halacha: HaShem explicitly commands us to “Love your neighbor as yourself”, or V’Ahavta L’Ray’acha Kamocha. But how can we be commanded to have an emotion such as love? Either we love or we don’t. If HaShem created us and commands us to love our neighbor, then we must be capable of doing so. We just have to understand how to feel this love and express it consistently. We are also commanded to cultivate a bond with the entire Jewish people. The Talmud (Shavuos 39a) says “Kol Yisrael araivim ze la’ze,” meaning that every Jew is responsible one for another. HaShem concerns Himself not only with how we serve Him, but how we treat each other as well. Now that we know that we are capable of loving every Jew, lets focus on the laws that help us become more loving and compassionate. These laws are: Discussion Question: Why do people find it difficult to respect others who are different from them? Stretch of the Week: Make a conscious effort to smile when you see other people. We learn the halachos of Ahavas Yisrael (V’Ahavta L’Ray’acha Kamocha) from the Rambam Hilchos Day’os 6:3 and the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 29:12. *All Ahavas Yisrael Project curriculum is approved by Roshai Kollel in the Linas HaTzedek Network of Bain Adam L’Chavayro, headed by Rav Yitzchak Berkovits, shlita.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week: Make a conscious effort to smile when you see other people. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with the previous stretch for ONE minute. Halacha/Jewish Law: According to the Rambam, “We are obligated to love every single Jew as we love ourselves”. The Torah teaches us to “Love your fellow man as yourself.” Therefore, we must praise others and care about their money, possessions and dignity as much as we value our own. “Whoever derives honor from humiliating someone else loses his share in the world to come.” (Hilchos Da’os 6:3 ) To clearly understand the mitzva of ahavas yisrael we must first define each word separately. Ahava is the pleasure that comes from recognizing the virtues in another human being. This recognition leads to a desire to give to that person. When we say Yisrael we are referring to all Jews. “The Jewish people are all related. Their souls are united, each containing a part of all the others.” (Tamar Devora, 4th attribute) The commandment of loving your fellow man can be fulfilled at all times. Any favor or kindness that you do for someone is an expression of this love. The commandment can also be fulfilled through thought. When you rejoice in the good fortune of another simply by feeling happy, this is an expression of love. The same applies when someone suffers misfortune. If you empathize with their suffering, you fulfill this obligation. By observing this commandment properly, a person reaps tremendous spiritual reward. The Baal Shem Tov says: “You know that you have many faults, nevertheless, you still love yourself. This is how you should feel toward your friend. Despite his faults, you must love him. ‘ (Likutai Avraham, p. 221). In every interpersonal encounter you have an opportunity to either fulfill or violate the commandment of loving your fellow Jew. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) There is no greater feeling than that of being truly understood. The ability to enter someone else’s reality and feel their joy, while at other times their pain, is a gift that many possess naturally, yet most must learn through life experience. I learned this lesson all too well several years ago. Late one Friday afternoon, I was putting the final touches on a new salad recipe when I heard the unmistakable sound of water pouring onto the kitchen floor. As I turned around to see what happened, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what I was about to witness. My 16-month-old baby was sitting on the floor with her arm red, burned and blistering in front of my eyes. She had somehow managed to reach the wire to our hot water urn and pull it down on Suddenly, I remembered the importance of submerging the burned area in cool water. I grabbed my screaming daughter, flew up the stairs, and filled the bathtub, while simultaneously praying and soothing her as much as I could. Each attempt to plunge her arm into the water was accompanied by her panicked screams of fear. Her eyes spoke louder than words saying, “How can you do this to me? I’m in so much pain! Why are you torturing me by subjecting me to this?” I felt my daughter’s suffering so deeply and, in that moment, made a decision. I said, “Mommy knows this water is so cold and uncomfortable so I’m going to join you.” I stepped into the bathtub, fully clothed, to let her know that I was with her all the way. As we both sat in the water with chattering teeth and purple lips, her cries began to wane. With me by her side (literally) she was able to calmly endure what had to be done to treat her burn. As I reflect on this experience, I learned a powerful lesson about the significance of our ability to alleviate the pain of others by expressing empathy. I realized that we shouldn’t have to wait for tragedy to befall us to show another person that we truly care. Whether it is by rejoicing in their happiness or empathizing with their struggle, we are capable of loving our fellow Jew. Discussion Questions: What is your ideal picture of a person who has great love for other people? Is it more important to be a loving person or to appear to be a loving person? How do they differ? When one feels love for someone, is it beneficial even if the other person does not reciprocate? If we actually viewed others as being created in the image of HaShem, how would this affect the way we treat them? Stretch of the Week: Call someone this week to wish him or her mazel tov on a joyous occasion, share something positive about this individual or a family member, or simply make an effort to feel genuinely happy for him/her.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week: Call someone this week to wish him or her mazel tov on a joyous occasion, share something positive about this individual or a family member, or simply make an effort to feel genuinely happy for him/her. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with the previous stretch for ONE minute. Halacha/Jewish Law: A neshama (soul) enters a person’s body that is specifically matched to its potential. People often complain about the parents they were born to, the times in which they live and even the body in which they find themselves. We must trust HaShem’s (G-d’s) wisdom in placing our soul in our particular body, family and period of history. We must recognize that the tools we are given in this life are the exact means through which our souls reach their ultimate potential. Without healthy self-esteem, human beings can be challenged in their ability to love others. In sum, if a person can’t love himself, how can he truly love someone else? (from Let’s Face It by Tzipora Heller) People who value themselves trust that they are worthy of love. They know that the people they love will usually love them in return. They also understand that there are many reasons why some people do not like others or who may have unrealistic demands. When self-aware individuals perform a benevolent act, it stems from a sincere desire to be of help. Their relationships are almost always calm and predictable because their self-esteem is internally driven. There are two extremes when it comes to self-identity. One extreme is the person who has a tendency to always judge himself favorably and feels he does nothing wrong. The other type notices all of his faults and only judges himself negatively. Both extremes are harmful. If a person always judges himself favorably, he will never correct his faults because he assumes he has none. Conversely, if a person sees everything he does in a negative light, he is likely to consider himself a failure. Such a person will feel guilty, depressed and will not be motivated to improve. When a person is aware of both his strengths and his weaknesses he also has the self-confidence to improve. This healthy sense of self breeds self-love and therefore enables one to fulfill the obligation of v’ahavta l’ray’acha kamocha with passion. (from Gateway to Self Knowledge by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin) Story: (based on a true story) All of us experience difficulty in life. We are often unaware of the impact our behavior has on others or, quite frankly, ourselves. Let me share a short story about an experience I had recently that taught me the importance of self-love. I grew up in a home where family members habitually looked over their shoulders, observing what others purchased, owned or were seeking. My family was concerned about how the neighbors spent their money and with whom they spent their time. Gossip was frequently shared and expected in our home. As I grew older, I naturally viewed the world the same way as I had in the past. I busied myself with what everyone around me was doing, always finding a way to rationalize why I needed to know certain pieces of information about other people. One day, while I was chatting with my friend Hannah in her kitchen, I walked past her bulletin board, which was covered with carpool schedules, dry cleaning bills, and invitations. Knowing that she wouldn’t mind if I read about the upcoming activities in her family’s life, I looked at the board and enjoyed observing the similarities between our lives. Just as I was about to inform her that the price she paid for dry cleaning her tablecloths was a bargain, I happened to notice an invitation to the Schwartz wedding. The Schwartz’s were old friends of ours. “When did you get this invitation Hannah? I haven’t gotten mine yet.” I remarked. “Oh, about three weeks ago. You didn’t get yours?” Hannah replied. I was stunned. “How could it be that I didn’t get invited to my friend’s son’s wedding?” I thought to myself. I was just as close to the Schwartz’s, if not closer, than Hannah was. I even traveled to her other son’s bar mitzva a few years ago. I bought their son a nice gift for that bar mitzva too! It reminded me of the time I was overlooked when invitations were sent out for Rachel’s son’s wedding. We’ve been members of the same synagogue for years, not to mention the fact that our children are friendly. It drove me crazy when I wasn’t invited to acquaintances’ simchos (special occasions) or, even worse, when I’d hear that others were invited while I wasn’t. Thinking about this would consume vast parts of my day as I found myself sulking in self-pity or anger. Hannah looked at me as if reading my mind and said, “I know exactly what you’re thinking and you’re wasting your time. You have such a full life and so many blessings to be thankful for. Why let something like this ruin your day? I know that it’s painful and, frankly, I’m not sure why you weren’t invited but to dwell on something that won’t change is not going to get you anywhere.” “I know you’re right Hannah and I feel as if I’m acting like a 5-year-old who’s been left out of a birthday party. It just feels hurtful and I find it hard to control feeling slighted when I think about all the others who were invited when I wasn’t. I know it sounds childish but that’s how I feel.” Hannah poured me a cup of tea and said, “The only reason I feel I can talk to you about this is because I used to suffer this way. I would view everything as a personal insult and felt everyone had an active social life but me. I told myself I was excluded, so I felt excluded. Fortunately,

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week was: Every night before you go to sleep this week, review five positive acts you performed that day. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Our Sages teach us to be dan l’chaf z’chus, to “judge all people favorably” (Ethics of Our Forefathers 1:6). As human beings, we tend to pass judgment all the time. Whenever we see someone performing a questionable act our internal sense of judgment causes us to rule “guilty” or “not guilty.” Depending upon the case and the nature of the person we are observing, the Torah teaches us how we are expected to exercise that judgment. In general, any time we see a person doing something that could be construed as either a positive or a negative act, we are obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt and judge him favorably, as opposed to suspecting him of committing a wrongdoing. If we judge someone negatively in a case where halacha (Jewish law) would require us to judge him favorably, even if he turns out to be guilty, it would appear that we are still guilty of violating this commandment. Conversely, if we judge someone favorably as required, even when the truth emerges and we learn that the person was guilty, we can rest assured that we fulfilled the mitzva (commandment) properly, regardless of the reality of the situation. (Mishp’tai HaShalom 1:16) Note that this commandment addresses our thought process. Even if we have not said or done anything based on our negative evaluation of the person, once we have judged him negatively we have violated this mitzva of the Torah and will be held accountable. (from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) “Get over here right now and don’t do that again!” this seemingly unloving and insensitive young mother shouted to her adorable, blue-eyed two-year-old daughter. “I’ve told you a million times “Don’t play in the sandbox! It’s dirty and germy and you get sand all over the stroller, the car, and the house! I’ve had enough! Now be a good girl and play like all the other children!” Wow! This poor woman needed some serious parenting classes. From my viewpoint, she was absolutely unfit to raise this sweet child. I wondered, wasn’t it embarrassing for her to be losing control of herself, especially in public? My anger towards her grew with each sentence she shrieked. How could she call herself a mother? How could she not realize the damage she was causing with each reprimand? Not only was her behavior unacceptable, I worried about the lasting negative impact on her innocent child. Instantly, I was struck with an insight that hit me like a ton of bricks. I had recently attended a class where we learned the importance of removing our harsh judgment of others in attempt to truly improve our relationships. I realized that I had a living example right in front of me. In the class, we learned that HaShem (G-d) judges us based on how we judge others. At the rate I was judging, I would have a lot of explaining to do. Fortunately, I realized that I had a tremendous opportunity. Instead of assessing the situation from my narrow perspective, I decided to judge this woman favorably. Despite the fact that I normally don’t see myself as a strong person, somehow I was able to gather the strength to work on giving this mother the benefit of the doubt. I considered the possibility that perhaps she was just having a hard day and is normally very loving, understanding, and gentle. Maybe she’s not feeling well. Maybe she is under tremendous pressure or maybe she is simply doing the best she can. Once I began to think about all the possibilities, there seemed to be so many ways I could positively relate to the situation. Before I knew it, I was walking towards this woman whose very presence bothered me tremendously just minutes earlier. My critical nature melted into friendly understanding. I struck up a conversation with her and found her to be quite pleasant. She confided that this was her first child and she was having difficulty finding the best way to communicate with her. She admitted that she desperately needed help. It was divine providence that I knew about a parenting workshop forming in the neighborhood. I gave her the information and we exchanged numbers. Just a half an hour earlier I was trapped in the negative web of my yetzer hora (evil inclination). However, with the proper kavana (intention), I learned that I could choose a positive and productive path by first assessing my thoughts and responses. What initially seemed to me to be so obvious was actually incorrect and misguided. I am grateful that HaShem gave me the strength to view this situation with a clear mind and an open heart. In the end, instead of dismissing a fellow Jew, I made a new friend. Discussion Questions: Is it necessary to know why someone acts in ways we don’t understand in order for us to judge them favorably? Why do people often assume the worst when observing poor behavior in someone else? Speaking from a general standpoint, what experiences have taught you to judge people favorably? Stretch of the Week: At least once this week try to be less judgmental of someone else’sannoying behavior.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week was: Think of someone you have felt jealous of in the past and work on feeling pleasure in his/her accomplishments or good fortune. (Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute). Halacha: In Pirkei Avos (Ethics of Our Fathers) (4:1) it says Ayzehu m’echubad? Ha’m’chabaid es habrios. Our Sages explain: “Who is honorable? Someonewho shows honor and respect to other people”. This teaches us that it’s not how other people treat us that make us honorable; rather, it’s how we treat others. Every human being is created in the image of HaShem (G-d), and is thus important and valuable. Judaism teaches us that the word “kavod” comes from the word “kavaid” which means “heavy”. Every person has weight and must be taken seriously. Kavod HaBrios, the dignity of man, is given the highest priority in the Torah. Respect for another human being is not contingent on his merits but simply on his humanity. (from Building your Self-Image by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin) Story: (based on a true story) During my early teenage years I went through a very hard time. I suffered from low self-esteem for various reasons and therefore associated with the wrong crowd. I didn’t want to challenge myself to pursue any goal or dream; I just wanted to get by. I experienced negative feelings every day. I had no role models or confidantes. The only way of expressing my frustration at that time was to rebel. I would often just “hang out” on the streets and think about partying. I avoided eye contact with people, dressed differently, and had an unkempt hairstyle. Often, I ran into relatives and neighbors who would totally ignore me, or chastise me for being bringing shame to my family. I didn’t need rebuke or a guilt trip. I didn’t need to be ignored or embarrassed. What I needed was love, care, and concern. I needed someone to treat me like a person and talk to me like I mattered. One day, as I was sitting on a curb in front of a busy shopping area, the mother of an old friend from elementary school approached me. Mrs. Cohen had a big smile on her face and looked genuinely happy to see me. She said, “Hi! What a nice surprise! I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?” I wasn’t sure how to react, as I wasn’t accustomed to people speaking to me with such kindness. Mrs. Cohen took the time to ask me about what was happening in my life. It was quite obvious that I wasn’t the same person she once knew but it didn’t seem to bother her. We finished our conversation and she walked away. For some reason, I hadn’t felt as good as I had at that moment for months. It’s not that she said anything monumental. She just treated me like a regular person. I even sensed respect in her voice. I hadn’t felt respected in a long time and it felt really good. Over the next two weeks, Mrs. Cohen frequented the shopping area where we had met. She always made the effort to approach me and discuss whatever I was thinking about or feeling. One day, when she realized I hadn’t had a place to sleep on a consistent basis, she asked if I would consider joining her family for dinner and also invited me to sleep over for the night. Her door was always open and sometimes I accepted her offer, while on other nights, I needed my space. I continued with my self-indulgent life style for several more months but Mrs. Cohen’s constant positive attention and nonjudgmental concern left a deep impression on me. I knew that if I needed anything, I could call her and she would be there. Eventually, I moved into her home and was able to turn my life around because of Mrs. Cohen’s love, care and concern. I learned that one of the best gifts you can give someone is absolutely free. This gift is respect. When you show people respect you enable them to see their value and empower them to discover the unique contribution that they can make in the world. Discussion Questions: How do people gain respect? How do people lose respect? Is respect something that someone must earn or should we give it to anyone? If someone suffers from a lack of self-respect what effect can your respectful behavior have on him or her? How would one benefit if s/he were to act respectfully even to people who do not reciprocate respectful behavior? Stretch of the Week: Make it a point to acknowledge someone, through thought or action, although you may not have previously felt appreciation toward him/her.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week was: Make it a point to acknowledge, through thought or action, someone you have previously failed to appreciate. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Sh’ailas shalom is usually translated as “greeting”, but, it actually means to inquire about someone’s well being. Thus, when we use the term “greeting” in our context, we refer to this aspect as well. The power of a warm greeting cannot be overestimated. Our Sages say that people should greet their friends and inquire after their well being using the word “shalom” – one of the divine Names of HaShem (G-d). We should not limit our greetings to close friends and neighbors, but we should be the first to greet everyone. Judaism teaches us to “seek peace and pursue it” (Psalms 34). For example, we should always be the first one to give a passerby a warm greeting. If he happens to greet us first, we must be sure to respond in kind. Otherwise, we are considered thieves. In contrast, when we bless our friend with a warm greeting, we, too, are similarly blessed. This mitzva falls under the category of kavod, or honoring our fellow Jew. (From The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) When I walked into the local bank one day and saw a new teller, I noticed that she was sweet and accommodating, yet very professional. There was something else I noticed as well. Hanging around her neck was a silver Jewish star. I saw her touch it a few times as if seeking acknowledgement of the fact that she, too, was Jewish in this heavily-populated Orthodox area. I finished my transactions and smiled as I passed her desk, acknowledging on a subliminal level that we were spiritually connected. I’ve often heard stories of people who have met non-religious Jews in shopping malls or the gym and ended up introducing them to Judaism, but I didn’t believe this was part of my destiny. It’s not that I object to reaching out to other Jews but I’m somewhat socially introverted. That being said, I knew I could manage to smile and wave at the teller and left it at that, feeling satisfied. Whenever I entered the bank, I would follow this friendly routine and the Jewish teller would return my smile. One day, I was running errands when I saw a familiar face. “Hi! It’s me, Karen, the new teller from the bank. Do you have a second?” she asked, “I just wanted to share something with you.” “Sure!” I said, not knowing what she would say. “I recently moved to the area and started working at the bank soon after I arrived. I had no idea the neighborhood was Orthodox when I accepted the position. At first I was slightly intimidated by the fact that many of my clients were religious. I’m Jewish too, but we were less traditional growing up. When I first saw you at the bank and you waved and smiled at me, I felt so good. I know this may sound funny but somehow, until that point, I felt as if I was being judged because I wasn’t religious. Every time you passed my desk and smiled, as crazy as this may sound, it made me feel like you considered me to be one of you!” I was blown away! “I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy to officially meet you, Karen.” “It’s nice to meet you too!” Karen continued, “Your acknowledgement was so appreciated and I wanted to thank you. See you later!” From this experience, I learned to never underestimate the power of a smile. It cost nothing, took no time, and was easy, even though for me it was a little bit of a stretch. Now, I try to smile at everyone I see because I realize the tremendous impact it has on others. Best of all, this experience has helped me become a more outgoing person. I eventually summoned up the courage to invite Karen for Shabbos and now she and her sister are learning with a rabbi’s wife in the community. And to think it all started with a smile and a wave! Discussion Questions: Why do people often wait for someone to greet them before they say hello? Did you ever initiate a greeting and receive a very positive response in return, which then led you to realize the power of sh’ailas shalom? How would you gain by greeting others more cheerfully? Stretch of the Week: Make an effort to be the first to smile at someone (and notice their reply).

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week was: Make an effort to be the first to smile at someone (and notice their reply) Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: The Torah commands us: Lo sisna achicha bilvavecha – “Do not hate your brother in your heart” (Vayikra 19:17). This means that even if we do not say a word against our fellow Jew, if we harbor hatred in our hearts when it is prohibited to do so, we have violated this commandment, no matter how hard we try to restrain ourselves. The basic commandment forbids us to hate “your brother”, meaning any Jew, and is incumbent on men and women alike. The best way to train our children in this mitzva is by example. Phrases like “I can’t stand so and so,” and other such hostile expressions should never be heard in our homes, especially in the presence of our children. What is the minimum measure of the violation of lo sisna? The Torah gives us a number of specifics. If we don’t greet someone because of our feelings of anger or animosity (not because we were daydreaming or in the middle of prayer), we have violated the commandment. If the person is someone we usually speak to and we do not speak with him for three days because of our feelings toward him, then, according to Jewish law, this constitutes hatred. Our gut reaction when we perceive hostility from others may be to reciprocate this negative energy. However, the Torah expects us to overcome such instincts. If we consistently respond to hatred with expressions of love, we will usually gain something — the ability to break down barriers with another person and create a pathway of positive communication. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) Samuel and my husband David were best friends since nursery school. They went to the same camps, the same high school and had basically always experienced significant life events as a team. Sam’s wife Sherri and I became the best of friends as well and we spent every summer together at our bungalow colony. Our children were theirs and theirs were ours. So as you can imagine, when David overheard Sam speaking with another bungalow friend about David’s stinginess in resisting the maintenance fee for the colony grounds, he was in for quite a surprise. “Yeah, David is great at taking care of his family but when it comes to other expenses, his wallet is like a lead weight in that back pocket of his. I’d never say it to him though. He’s too stubborn to hear someone else’s opinion. It’s just the way he is.” “The nerve of him to speak about me that way!” David vented later that night. “After all these years! How could he talk about me like that?” What could I say? I was as stunned as he was. We did have a few disagreements over the past few months that may have led to his negative comments, but for Sam to vent his frustration to a neighbor was simply out of line. The next morning David ignored Samuel during morning services. Sam approached my husband many times to find out why he was being shunned and to clear the air but David just walked away. Sherri tried speaking with me but I ignored her as well. Words spoken about my husband like that, aimed at his pride, were simply unforgivable. Slowly but surely our friendship began to unravel. We tried to control our feelings and not seethe in anger but with every passing family celebration they neglected to invite us to or every Purim gift basket delivered to all of our neighbors, excluding our house, the hate and anger grew. To this day, I’m not exactly sure why we let this beautiful friendship just slip away but embarrassingly, that is what we did. The years moved on and I had my own fair share of life’s challenges. I guess I matured and gradually I felt something shift within me. I felt a powerful desire to put it all behind us but never felt the strength or the courage to do what had to be done. Then it happened. The unexpected call in the middle of the night informing us that my father-in-law had suffered a massive stroke and was not expected to live through the night. David and I jumped into the car and rushed to the hospital, praying for his survival. It was too late though. Daddy was a man who stood for shalom, friendship, and ahavas yisrael, and he was gone. During the first days of shiva I busied myself with calling old acquaintances to let them know. When I got to Samuel and Sherri’s name, I knew the time was ripe. I silently prayed my next move would honor the soul of my father-in-law. After carefully evaluating the situation, I enlisted a mutual friend to make the initial phone call to inform Samuel and Sherri that we wanted to repair our relationship. Within an hour Sam was at our house squeezing and embracing my husband while tears streamed down their faces. With moist eyes and open hearts, they apologized to each other and behaved as if no time had passed. Later that night, I called Sherri directly and apologized to her. We had a deep and meaningful conversation about our relationship, admitted to each other that we had both made mistakes, and were finally at peace. Looking back over the years, I realize the consequences of our actions. We accused, we judged, we held grudges and made petty assumptions. But the greatest regret of all was the fact that we wasted so much time that we could have spent with people we loved so much. Had we just cleared the air from the beginning, either directly or with an intermediary, we wouldn’t have lost out

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: Find someone whom you are not so fond of and do something for them (with or without them knowing). Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: The Torah teaches us to “Reprove your fellow Jew” (Vayikra 19:17). If we see a Jew transgressing a mitzva toward HaShem (G-d) or toward another person, we have a responsibility to inform him of his error so that he will correct his actions. Many people mistakenly perceive rebuke (tochacha) negatively when actually we should be grateful to receive constructive criticism. In fact, when a person has a number of friends, some of whom flatter and others who rebuke when necessary, one should favor the latter as those are the friends who really care. When possible, a person should try to live near one’s mentor, in order to benefit from his/her constructive criticism, but only if one is truly open to hearing it. The attitude we adopt toward constructive criticism may affect the obligation of those around us to provide it. According to some opinions, the mitzva to reprove is relevant only toward someone who will be pleased to accept the rebuke. If the recipient will respond with hatred and possibly revenge, then the other person is not obligated to rebuke. A person who despises rebuke is actually harming himself as he blocks off options for repentance (teshuva). We should always judge people favorably but, when in doubt, one should question the possible transgressor diplomatically. If it is discovered that a person has indeed transgressed, it is a mitzva to offer him the necessary constructive criticism that is imperative to his spiritual growth. (Mishp’tai HaShalom 9:2-3) (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) I am the type of person that people enjoy sharing good news with because I react with great emotion. That’s the positive side of this particular character trait. The negative side is that I’m short tempered and often react quickly and impulsively. My friend Sarah is the opposite. She is introspective, calm, and contemplative. A few weeks ago, Sarah asked if we could get together on Shabbos afternoon to discuss something. I was delighted as always. That Shabbos I walked to Sarah’s house and was warmly greeted with a glass of iced coffee. Sarah then told me that she really wanted to work on herself, her growth and her character traits and asked if I had any rebuke (tochacha) to give her in any area of her life. I thought about it but honestly couldn’t think of anything. After Sarah prodded a little, I managed to think of one small area she possibly needed to work on. She heard what I had to say and thanked me profusely. Afterwards we continued talking about our other interests; children, work schedules, cooking and carpools. All the while I kept thinking about the fact that Sarah always seemed to be in a positive growth mode and how this continually inspires me. I was about to head home when I had the urge to ask Sarah if she felt there was anything I should work on. After all, it only seemed fair. She sat and thought for a couple of minutes and said there actually was something and proceeded to explain it to me. She didn’t give me a long critical speech with condescending words. She simply shared a few examples that illustrated how I displayed this particular character trait, but she did so with love, compassion and respect. I acknowledged that she was correct, vowed to work on it, and thanked her wholeheartedly. It was not until I was almost home that I realized what truly happened. Sarah didn’t really want rebuke or advice from me; she wanted to give me some constructive criticism and engineered the most sensitive way to do it. Not only did I not feel embarrassed, she actually found a way to get me to ask for it! I honestly feel that most people would be willing to see their mistakes and improve when rebuke is given in a sincere, loving, and gentle way. Discussion Questions: Why do many people get offended when given rebuke (tochacha)? What is the difference between “giving advice when you’re not being asked” and performing the mitzva of giving rebuke? If you felt certain that you could help someone by giving her advice but she would probably feel annoyed at you for providing it, would you still offer? Stretch of the Week: This week when you give someone constructive criticism, do it with compassion and understanding rather than with anger and accusations.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: This week when you give someone constructive criticism, do it with compassion and understanding rather than with anger and accusations. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Judaism teaches us the importance of not coveting (lo sachmode) and, more specifically, not coveting the possessions of your friend (lo sis’a’ve) (Devarim 5:18). The Torah forbids us to desire another Jew’s possessions or from taking measures to acquire them. This applies whether we are pressuring another person to sell an item to us against his wishes or whether we are pleading with him to give something to us as a gift. If the item is for sale, pressuring the seller to reduce the price is considered a normal negotiation technique and is permissible. The underlying flaw that leads a person to desire something that belongs to another and to take measures to acquire it is envy (kin’a). According to the letter of the law, simply feeling envious of another’s possessions does not constitute violation of either of the two mitzvos as long as we have not schemed, taken action or spoken up in order to acquire them. Nevertheless, the character trait (midda) of envy is highly undesirable. Were it not for envy, a person would be able to manage with only the minimum requirement of food, clothing and living accommodations. People in our generation have become increasingly more focused with “keeping up with the Joneses” – exerting ourselves physically and emotionally to attain a lifestyle based on society’s superficial and extravagant standards. Eliminating this non-constructive trait would greatly enhance the quality of our lives. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) I grew up in an upper class home in the heart of America. I always had what I needed, and was given what I wanted. I don’t remember ever feeling a sense of lack. When I noticed that others did not possess what our family had in abundance, I was committed to helping them feel comfortable and taken care of. I lived with this mindset for the first 25 years of my life. As I grew older, married, and started a family, the financial stress of our newly established family gradually worsened. Whereas I was accustomed to a certain standard of living, my husband was raised in a simple home with few luxuries and wasn’t challenged as much as I was. When the recent financial crisis hit, our monetary status was threatened but we were able to recover slowly and still manage to make ends meet. As we endured this challenge, I found myself becoming bothered by certain things that I hadn’t previously noticed but that now began to gnaw at me. While we were in no position to renovate our home, buy new clothing or donate generous amounts of tzedaka, there were many people in town who were able to live prosperously in spite of the financial crisis. I began to notice home improvement signs posted on my neighbors’ front lawns and newly acquired cars. As crazy as it sounds, I even started to desire the contents of other women’s shopping carts, full of fresh meat and expensive snack foods. I never considered myself to be a jealous person, but I realize that this may have been due to the fact that I never lacked for anything materially. I perceive myself as growth oriented, continuously focused on incorporating Torah values (such as being happy with what I have) into my daily life. However, the sharp contrast between the way others were living and the plight I had to accept, were miles apart. I tried to keep a smile on my face (at least in public) but inside I was suffering terribly. One day my 8-year-old son Ari returned from school, jumped on my lap, gave me a big kiss and said “Mommy, I love you so much!” Ari is an affectionate child by nature, but somehow there seemed to be a reason for his added measure of passion. “I love you too Ari! Tell me what happened in school today!” I answered. “Mrs. Tendler asked us to write in our journals about all the things we have that are good. I normally don’t like journal time but when I started writing I had so much to say!” “Really, what did you write Ari?” I questioned. “I wrote that I love my parents and my brothers and sisters and my house and my clothes and my toys and my backyard and my grandparents and Shabbos and going to the playground and my friends and Purim and …,” he continued on and on. I was so struck by his words. Ari is a normal child who asks for new toys and other expensive items from time to time, but when he revealed what was good to him, what really mattered most were the aspects of his life that money could not buy. I would often daydream about all the luxuries my children were missing — things I took for granted in my own childhood. When my son shared with me his sweet innocent joys, I realized that true happiness comes from taking stock of what I have, and acknowledging that I cannot buy what is most important at any price. Appreciating G-d’s (HaShem’s) handiwork allows me to trust that He knows what is best, even when it’s not always what I had in mind. Ari inadvertently showed me that to focus on the material possessions of others only serves to dampen my spirit and reject the unique circumstances of my life that HaShem has chosen just for me. Discussion Questions: Is there a certain type of person that most people envy? How do people lose out by having feelings of jealousy? How would a person gain if he/she were to feel pleasure upon learning of the good fortune of others? Stretch of the Week: Think

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: Think of someone you have felt jealous of in the past and work on feeling pleasure in his/her good fortune or accomplishments. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute Halacha: The commandment that prohibits us from arguing with others (machlokes) is based on the following; “He shall not be like Korach and his congregation” (Bamidbar 17:5). Korach rebelled against Aaron and Moses after the spies went to survey the Promised Land due to a lack of faith in HaShem (G-d). Korach’s difference with Moses may have been an ideological one, driven by the way in which he understood Israel’s relationship with HaShem and regarding how he felt the nation should be organized. Nevertheless, he has been historically viewed as the ultimate quarreler. Had the motives of Korach and his supporters been truly for the sake of Heaven, they would have brought their doubts, fears, and questions directly to Moses instead of instigating collective strife. Judaism teaches us that anyone who supports a disagreement also violates this mitzva. This includes both a person who instigates a fight between two people and one who furthers the conflict. When two people have a disagreement, the goal should be to resolve their differences. Unfortunately, “fighting it out” rarely serves as a catalyst to a peaceful resolution. As soon as two people see that they are unable to negotiate a compromise, they should go to a third party who is acceptable to both of them for assistance. The third party might be a rabbi, mutual friend or colleague. If this option is not available, or if their efforts are unsuccessful, their next step should be to seek Jewish legal judgment. As the Torah advises, “When there is an argument between people, let them come to judgment” (Devarim 25:1). (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) There was a particular woman who lived in my town who I found unbelievably annoying. I don’t know what it was about her that irritated me so, but whenever I saw her I felt uncomfortable. We never had any confrontations. We never argued. Whether it was her gait, her style, or the look on her face, whenever I saw her, I just wanted to stay out of her way. After awhile, it became obvious that she felt the same way about me. We established a silent “war” simply by ignoring each other. Admittedly, to my embarrassment, we carried on this way for years. One day, all of this changed. I was sitting at my desk paying some bills when the doorbell rang. I answered the door with my intercom and, when I asked who was there, I heard this woman’s name. Immediately, I felt my heart race. I had no idea why she would be at my house. We don’t live in the same neighborhood and we had an unwritten pact not to have anything to do with each other. Cautiously, I opened the door and saw this woman standing with a large beautifully wrapped box and matching bow. I looked at her with a puzzled face and she said, “Open it! It also has a card.” I invited her in the house and, as we stood in my foyer, I opened the gift. It was a large box of expensive chocolates. I smiled and then quickly opened the card. “Whatever it was about, I don’t know. Let’s put it behind us and start anew!” she said. I looked at her and smiled as we both erupted in laughter. The heavy silent war over absolutely nothing dissolved instantly. I thanked her for being the brave one to break the awkward silence. She told me she just couldn’t take it anymore and felt as if she had finally graduated from kindergarten. We laughed again, bid each other farewell, and have been friendly ever since. Looking back I realized that I never really had anything against her at all. This entire silent “machlokes” was all subconscious. Usually conflict is direct, intentional, and fueled with emotion but sometimes it’s a result of internal personal prejudices and negativity. Today I try to assess why I treat some relationships with a big, bright smile and others with a solemn stare. If I focus on the fact that I only want peace in my life, I set a higher standard for my relationships and myself. This has helped me in all areas of my life and I owe it all to my courageous new friend. Discussion Questions: In an argument, do most people look to win or seek the truth? In what ways might the assistance of an objective third party help resolve a disagreement? Do most people view conceding to the argument of another person as a sign of weakness or a sign of strength? What can be done to decrease the amount of strife amongst the Jewish people? Stretch of the Week: Think of someone you tend to argue with and resolve to speak with him/her calmly on three consecutive occasions.