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Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Before reacting, take the time and energy needed to see a possible other explanation for something you see. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #11 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Be Of The Students Of Aharon Hevay MiTalmidav Shel Aharon  Perek Aleph, Mishna Yud Bais Part 1 Story:  (based on a true story) I like to be right.  It’s a character flaw, I know.  I like to be right, fairly.  I like it when people who are wrong admit they are wrong, or at least that they could be.  I also like to win, especially when I’m capable of it.  It is even difficult for me to strategically lose games to my children, even when I know it’s the right thing to do.  And when my older son got really good at strategy games, I found myself annoyed when he beat me at games I consider myself good at.   When I went to seminary, I had some roommate difficulty.  I believe that Rivka and I would have been pretty good friends had we not been roommates, but I felt I had a right to certain things like shelf and closet space and quiet, and didn’t see the virtue of compromising something I felt I needed and deserved purely for shalom.  Why did I need to give up so she would be happy?   Sure, I could feel good about myself by giving in on things I didn’t really need, but the word mevater, giving in for peace, was literally not in my vocabulary.  Though I was raised religious, I heard that word for the first time after I got married.   It was a great time because it’s when I really needed it.   Between my husband and my children, I’ve had plenty of chances to see how giving in can build what’s more important in the long term.  It certainly makes my home a more peaceful, secure and productive place when my kids are willing to give in on favorite chairs at the table or first computer time, so it would stand to logic that the world overall would benefit.  When my four year old came home from camp one summer with a note that the week’s midda to focus on was to be mevater, I helped her with it and then decided to focus on it myself.  It was very, very hard. At first, I simply set out to do things against my nature.  For example, just because I could practically run out of the elevator to sign in at the pediatricians before the couple with the baby who had shared my ride up, didn’t mean I had to, even if my waiting longer in the office would delay dinner for my hungry kids.  I could let the other family go first and still manage somehow, and everyone would feel more peaceful.  When I started stepping back, it was because I knew it could bring more peace.  After working at it for a while, I could actually feel it.  The reduction of stress around me and in me brought more warmth and clarity, and the ability to make better decisions. Sometimes it’s fairly easy- it’s obvious that the other person really needs what I give in on, like when we both approach a parking spot on a winter day and she’s got a small baby with her.  Or sometimes I don’t really need what I’m giving up, like when I let go when someone cuts ahead of me at the supermarket because I’m not in a rush.      But sometimes, it is really hard, and I feel that I am falling behind trying to catch the elusive peace I’m seeking.  Sometimes, I’m rushing to get my kids to school on time and I need to catch the light, so I don’t stop to let that poor woman back out of her driveway like she’s been trying to do for the past five minutes.  Yes, she needs to get her kids to school, but so do I!  Sometimes I just can not let something hurtful my sister says to me go because of all the years of history behind us.  And sometimes I have to get rid of a habit so ingrained it never occurred to me that it might be a problem. A few months ago, I flew to Florida with my husband.  Usually, when we have the kids, we get to board early and get situated, including claiming precious overhead compartment space.  But it was just the two of us and we were boarding almost last on a full flight, with the possibility of actually having to check our bags looming in from of us.  As I tend to do, I got up as they called the boarding groups before us and started hovering by the entrance.  That way, I could be the first one when they called our group. I could hear my mother’s voice in my head from when I was a kid-“ Go stand there and save it for us; why should we be last?”  Unconsciously, I blocked that small avenue of entrance with my body, annoyed at each person who bumped me or tried to get in before me.  After all, I’m a paying customer, right?  I have as much right to space on the plane as all the other people.  Why shouldn’t I stake my territory? My husband came up to me and gently said, “There’s no point in this.  Sit down, we’ll get on when we get on. We’ll get the space where we get space.   Why be all tense about it all?”  I looked around and realized that all of the people around us were watching a frum woman staking a position to be first and refusing to move.  I looked around at the handful of other people trying to do the same thing.  I felt the tension in by body, built up

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: Be mevater. Give in on something that you thinkwill help bring peace.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #12 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERSOhaiv Es HaB’ri’os U’m’ka’r’van LaTorahLove People and Bring Them Close To Torah Perek Aleph, Mishna Yud BaisPart 2 Story: (based on a true story)There’s a new family on my block. They moved in a few doors down and across the street, and I joined the rest of my neighbors in bringing them food and inviting the children over. We had the Shermans for Shabbos lunch a few weeks in, and we have a lot in common. It’s so great to like your neighbors.We have a mostly frum block, with mostly young families. There are a couple of non-Jewish families and one older non-frum couple, the Steinbergs, who I talk to for a few minutes each day or so when we meet taking out the trash or while we’re coming and going. A little after we moved in, I remembered my seminary days with Rav Chanoch Teller telling us that there’s no such thing as “not frum” but only “not yet frum”, and I invited Steinbergs for a Shabbos meal. They politely declined, and did so again a few months later for yom tov, so we resumed short hello’s and five minute discussions of the weather and whether my toddler was keeping me running. Years later, I was talking to my new neighbor Chava Sherman as our children rode bikes in front of our houses. Mrs. Steinberg was walking by, and stopped to say hello. She then thanked Chava for the wonderful Friday night meal they had in her home a fewdays beforehand, sighing that “those Shabbos candles sure brought back memories.”The two made plans to meet for lunch the next day, and Mrs. Steinberg moved on. I was floored. Had I not tried to invite the Steinberg’s years ago? Actually, so had my next door neighbor, and we had both been turned down. We figured the Steinbergsweren’t interested, and that was that. I had to find out what had changed, so I asked Chava how she had gotten them to come.“It was no big deal for us,” she said. “My husband asked Mr. Steinberg to help set up a garden for us, and they’ve been working together on Sundays. We’ve just become friendly. Did you know the Steinbergs met in the USO while he was in the army? Theyhave such amazing stories to tell. My kids just sit and listen, which helps me too! So we invited them to join the family for a Shabbos meal and they came. Mr. Steinberg even said Kiddush. He said it reminded him of his grandfather.” Wow. That was pretty amazing. I mentioned to Chava that I had tried to invite them and had no success, but more power to her. I was a little envious that she had managed to get through to them.A couple of weeks later on the way to a shalom zachor, I walked by the Steinbergs on Friday night and saw Shabbos candles shining through the front window. I mentioned it to Chava the next day, and she smiled widely, explaining that Mrs. Steinberg had dug them out of her attic and asked her to pick up some candles. Then Chava paused. “Mrs. Steinberg told me why they decided to come for that meal,” she said. “She told me that whenever someone from the block invited her she always felt like a project.She kept thinking, ‘I’ve lived a lot longer than you. Let me be.’ But since we were friends and they enjoyed spending time with us, they figured they’d give it a try.” I didn’t know what to say. Noticing my silence, Chava began backpedaling, saying thatof course I wasn’t treating the Steinbergs like a project when I invited them over but Mrs. Steinberg had felt like that. But I knew that Mrs. Steinberg was right. It is not wrong to want every Jew to taste and love Torah, but I had seen it as ‘something important to do’, versus really getting to know the person I was talking to.Chava and her husband didn’t become friends with the Steinbergs in order to do kiruv with them. They simply saw a couple they could give to and receive from. They were friendly, and looked up to the Steinbergs for their strengths, learning from them as theyspent time together. They genuinely value the Steinbergs as people, and the Steinbergs felt that. Maybe they even felt and absorbed the Sherman’s love of yiddishkeit, and coupled that with the fact that they are good people. The relationship was able to bridge a gap, and the Steinbergs used it to stretch themselves a bit religiously, and then a bit more. So now my goal is not to look for projects, but to look at the person themselves. It doesn’t mean I won’t sign up for Partners in Torah, but it does mean I will get to know my partner as a person, accepting from her as well as giving to her. I won’t build therelationship strictly in service of the kiruv goal. I will simply look for and find the wonderful person inside each Jew. Pirkay Avos:“הלל אומר, הוי מתלמידיו של אהרן… אוהב את הבריות ומקרבןלתורה““…Hillel omer: hevay mitalmidav shel Aharon…ohaiv es ha’b’ri’os u’m’ka’r’van laTorah.”“… Hillel said, be of the students of Aharon…love people and bring them close to Torah.” (Perek Aleph, Mishne Yud Bais).“Aharon walked with Hashem with peace and straightness, and turned many away from sin” (Malachi 2:6). How did Aharon turn people away from sin? When he met a wicked person, he would greet warmly. The following day, when this person had the impulse to sin, he would reflect, “How can I do such a thing and then look Aharon in the eye?” (Avos deRabbi Nosson). Aharon neither rebuked sinners nor withdrew from them, Instead, he loved them, and in this way brought them to the Torah.The most effective means of kiruv is through ahavas yisrael-sincere love of one’s fellow Jew. As Rabbi Akiva related, “V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha zeh k’lal gadol batorah.”Through fulfillment of the mitzva of loving one’s peers, we can create a great Torah nation. Similarly, Jewish

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Identify something you appreciate about someone you see often but feel you have little in common with.    Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #13 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Im Ain Ani Li Mi Li – If I am not for myself, who will be for me? Perek Aleph, Mishna Yud Daled Part 1 Story:  (based on a true story) It was too late to escape at that moment.  We’d already made eye contact across the coffee shop and I could see the elderly lady heading my way, weaving her way in-between tables.  I carefully closed my laptop, angry that my free morning was undoubtedly going to be interrupted by a stranger, albeit a fellow religious Jew.  Nonetheless, she’d seen my head covering, and like a magnet was drawn to me. I had just dropped off my daughter at her gan and I couldn’t wait to grab a much needed Grande with a splash of hazelnut and a good hour of online catching up with my girlfriends from seminary.    “Do you mind if I sit with you, dearie?” the elderly woman asked, but then began pulling out the chair with her frail hand.  That’s when I saw the numbers.  The unmistakable tattoo of a survivor from atrocities I can’t even begin to relate to.   I had a choice at that point.  Be stuck, or make-up some excuse and flee.  I was gravitating toward the latter.  I have a busy life after all.  I have at least half a dozen things I could have been doing at home for myself and my family; laundry, making beds, preparing dinner, etc…  The old woman’s hands shook while placing her coffee cup down, and as she sat she began to tell me that she was waiting for her daughter to pick her up after her daughter finished grocery shopping.   Did I want to get involved?  I’d only allowed myself an hour of “free time” and then I really had to head home.  What if she kept me for longer and it was hard to get away? For a few moments I was actually very resentful for having my hour ‘stolen’ from me.  I’m a very busy mom, and I don’t often get ‘me-time’.  But then I looked at this woman and imagined what her life must have been like when she was my age, and I quickly decided to stay at the table and chat with her.  In the end, I’m glad that I did.   I can’t remember exactly what we began to talk about first, but I do remember that we exchanged names and family information, and talked about how many children we each had.  She added how many grandchildren and great grandchildren she had as well!  We laughed and sighed over the joys and pitfalls of being busy mothers and then somehow we got to talking about when she was my age and then to when she was even younger.   Finally she brought up her time during the Holocaust.  She didn’t get graphic, but she did get sentimental and explained to me how her generation is almost gone and that it’s up to my generation to share their stories.  I’m almost embarrassed to say that she was the first Holocaust survivor I’d ever spoken to.  This situation made a real impact on me, enough for me to realize perhaps that Hashem might have sent her my way for a good reason.   It’s possible that I might have been too wrapped up in myself, my family, my friends and the bubble I’d created for myself.  Our electronic world today enables us to stay inside that bubble so easily.  With the world at our fingertips, with online news, emails, texts, and so on – in person connection is sometimes last on the list.  If a person becomes too self-consumed, she canpractically lose her humanity.  I was reminded that I needed to look around the world again, and break out more.  Make eye contact outside my bubble so that wouldn’t happen.   My new friend and I still keep in touch.  In fact, she’s introduced me to her daughter and some of her friends as well.  However, the best part of our meeting each other is that once a month I now visit a nursing home and assist with very aged Holocaust survivors.  I’ve heard many heartening stories, and I’m proud to say I can carry their legacy along to the next generation so no one forgets them.  I learned a lot that day in the coffee shop, and it was well worth giving up that one hour of solitary me-time to gain a lifetime of enriched me-time.   Pirkay Avos: “Hu haya omer:  Im ain ani li, mi li, u’ch’she’a’ni  l’atzmi muh ani…” “He (Hillel) used to say:  If I am not for myself, who will be for me?  And if I am for myself, what am I?…” (Perek Aleph, Mishne Yud Daled). Rashi and Rav Ovadia of Bartenura understand Hillel to be speaking of the merit one gains by learning Torah and performing mitzvos.  By proclaiming, “Im ain ani li mi li,” if I am not for myself, who will be for me, Hillel is urging us to fully exploit the innate potential of our soul.  However, Hillel insists that it is not enough to perfect oneself.   But rather, as he continues, “U’ch’she’a’ni l’atzmi muh ani,” and if I am for myself, what am I?  I must also seek to perfect the entire universe.   While a literal translation of the phrase “Im ain ani li mi li” seems to suggest that we stand alone in our quest for spiritual growth, this interpretation is untenable.  Chazal relate, “Habah l’taher mesayin osoh,” one who seeks to purify himself is surely assisted by HaShem.  The mishna is merely emphasizing the importance of taking the initiative, as the Chazal stresses, “Haba l’taher,” one who seeks.  Once we take

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Greet one person warmly who you normally might not greet in that way.    Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Situations Lesson #14 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Say Little And Do Much  Emor M’at Va’asay Harbay – Perek Aleph, Mishna Tes Vav Part 2 Story:  (based on a true story) I have a medical problem called Crohn’s Disease that forces me to have flare-ups that come on suddenly without warnings and can be quite debilitating.  Managing a family with little children under such circumstances can become challenging to say the least.  If not for the support of my community and some amazing friends, my success would be less than doable.  This brings me to Roizy, one of my very special friends.  She has told me that whenever I am sick and need help with meals, that I should always call her first.   Recently when I was ill and the thought of making food for Shabbos was overwhelming, I called Roizy on a Thursday morning and told her that I was sick.  She very kindly told me that she was very busy that week, and wasn’t sure she could make me a whole Shabbos meal but I could count on her help for soup and challahs.  I thanked her and told her that would be wonderful and that hopefully on Friday morning I would feel better enough to make chicken and potatoes myself, and my husband would help with fish and cholent and then we’d be set.   Thursday night, I got a knock on my door and as expected Roizy came with the soup and challahs, along with chicken, kugels, fish and dessert!  She told me she wound up having extra time, and made extra of everything her family was having.  On the phone she was afraid to promise me in case she didn’t have the time, but in the end she did and it all worked out.   She was so happy to be helping me, and the relief she gave me was immense.  I found that her way of doing it so quietly and modestly felt special.  She was going to do a little bit, and wound up doing so much.   It reminded me of another situation that took place around Shabbos food.  In my community my family has several very close family friends that we get together with periodically to celebrate someone’s birthday or to spend one of the Yomim Tovim together.  We all pitch in to cook for the meal, dividing the courses and making dishes to serve.  On one of these occasions, I had been having a hard month but didn’t consider myself “horribly” ill.  I chose to make the first course; challah and salads.   I’ll admit that I put much more energy into the three extra-large challahs, rather than into the three small salads.  Don’t get me wrong; the salads were nice, but not my usual fare.  Our group tops at about twenty people, but by the time I had gotten around to preparing the salads, I had lost energy and it showed.   I brought them over to the hosts’ house before Shabbos began.  The hostess was herself in charge of the main course, and without saying anything to me, she prepared some fun extra salads and two nice fish loaves to round out the first course.  When we came for the meal, and it was set up, I was so grateful to see it looking so nice.   Inside I was ever so thankful that my friend had quietly and thoughtfully made up for whatever lacked in the first course so that no one would be the wiser.  She is such a loving person.  I knew by the way she hugged me when I had first delivered the food that she instinctively knew how I was feeling and had compensated.  What she had done so quietly for me, was done out of pure love for me.   Pirkay Avos: “Shammai omer:  … emor m’at va’asay harbay…” “Shammai says:  …say little and do much…” (Perek Aleph, Mishne Tes Vav). Some people speak about themselves at length, giving others, and perhaps themselves as well, the impression that they are accomplishing a great deal, when in truth their deeds may be paltry and few.  The proper way to conduct oneself is to speak little and do much. This was true of Avraham Avinu.  When the three angels came to his tent in the guise of Arab travelers, Avraham ran to greet them with the simple words, “I will take a loaf of bread and you shall sustain your heart, and then you may travel onward” (Beraishis 18:5), but he rushed to prepare them an elaborate meal, slaughtering three fine calves to feed them tongue with mustard, and asking Sara to quickly bake cakes of the finest flour. Ya’avetz teaches us that saying little and doing much is a natural consequence of one’s awareness of how limited one is in comparison to the great expectations that HaShem has.  As much as such a person accomplishes, he feels that he has not done enough.  Therefore, Shammai states, “Say little.”  No matter how much you have accomplished, view it as a mere fraction of what is expected of you; this will bring you to “do much.”  Our sages state that “a person who says that he will rise early and learn Torah” or makes similar comments “has made a serious vow before the G-d of Israel” (Nedarim 8a).  If, for whatever reason, he does not fulfill that vow, he transgresses a commandment in the Torah.  Shammai advises us to say little, since “it is better that you do not vow than that you vow but not fulfill” (Koheles 5:4).   This is true not only with HaShem but with others as well.  If a person commits to an act, or even leads his friend to believe that he will do an act, and

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Do one nice thing you wouldn’t normally do, to take yourself out of your comfortable “bubble”.    Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #15 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS And Greet Every Person With A Pleasant Expression  V’hevay M’kabel Es Kol Ha’adam B’sever Panim Yafos Perek Aleph, Mishna Tes Vav Part 1 Story:  (based on a true story) I’m busy.  Isn’t everyone? I tend to have a running to-do list going in my head, often superimposed on a schedule. Wake up.  Wash hands and get dressed before any of the kids come for me or scream.  Put lunches in backpacks.  Wake Nechama up, give her five extra minutes, wake Shimmy up, get him dressed, go back to re-wake Nechama and hand her clothes, wake up Avi, etc.  Make sure all kids eat breakfast and take any morning medicine before getting them all in the car so I can drive the first carpool, preferably without having to redress anyone.  Get carpool to school on time, start the next one.  Repeat. In order to get it all done, I have to go go go.  When Penina wanders downstairs for the first time while I’m doing lunches, I can say, “Good morning” and tell her what time she needs to be ready by.  I don’t have time to stop what I’m doing, give her a cozy hug and ask how she’s doing that morning.  Yes, this is what she wants, but if I do that, by the time I’m done listening Shimmy has barreled into the kitchen, tried to pour himself juice and pulled apart his lunch because “I don’t like jelly today.”  I’ve always told my husband, “I’m a doer.  I need to get it all done, and then I can relax and relate.”  He tends to tell me that it doesn’t always work that way.  I tell him he’s not around in the morning to help get everyone out of the house, and that it must be a mom thing.  I got my kids where they needed to be, on time.  I got their homework done, got them to their activities and showered and changed, and at the end of the day, I hugged them and told them good night.  Doesn’t every mom largely focus on managing her family and getting things done?  Last year, I learned that the answer was that one does not exclude the other.  I joined a new carpool for my girls, and found that one of the mothers baffled me.  Instead of sending her kids out the front door in the morning or running out with them to buckle in the little kids and then saying goodbye and running back in the house, Shifra stayed for a few minutes at my car, each and every day.  I know she is a very busy person with a close-to-full time job and multiple carpools, but every day she would calmly say hello to every single child in the car.   Shifra would complement a new haircut or a great sweatshirt, and tell someone who had been out sick that it was wonderful to have her back.  She also made sure to kiss each of her kids who were at that stage.  Only then did she run back to her house to resume her morning.    I started to take a good look at myself.  Yes, I said hi to the kids who get in the car.  But more often than not, what I said after that was, “Are you buckled yet?”  Yes, I spoke to the kids.  I asked about things in their lives when I remembered or wasn’t too focused on running my upcoming day through my head and making sure we were on time.  It’s not that I didn’t think it was important to greet people; it’s that I didn’t make it a priority.   I started looking at my actions, hard.  I began to stop myself to ask the kids questions about their days and actually pay attention to the answers before sending them off to put things away and start their homework.  I began making it a priority to give Shimmy a hug and a toss whenever he left or came home, or even came down the stairs.  I stopped Nechama for a quick arm-squeeze before she ran out the door to catch her bus, and established five minutes to listen to just her when she came home at the end of the day; a happier kid is worth a spilled cup of juice or two.  And I saw results.  The whole house calmed down a couple of steps, and I felt calmer.   So I reached outside the house.  I began working on smiling instead of rushing the kids in carpool.  I worked on adding a “Hi” or “Hello” to the beginning of all my emails instead of just started in on what I wanted to take care of.  I started smiling at cashiers in stores even if they were moving really slowly, and asking how they were doing or complementing them on something.  And it didn’t even take much more time-I just had to slow my brain down enough to see the people I speak to as people, and not just cogs in getting my day done.  I am proud to say that I am slowly turning myself into a person who believes that how you interact with people, particularly how you greet them, can be more important than making sure you check off all the boxes of taking care of things on time and that not being negative isn’t enough-you have to be positive.  That’s how you build relationships and build people, including yourself.   Pirkay Avos: “Shammai omer:  …v’hevay m’kabel es kol ha’adam b’sever panim yafos.” “Shammai says:  …and greet every person with a pleasant expression.” (Perek Aleph, Mishne Tes Vav). Greet people pleasantly.  Show them that their presence is welcome to you.  Extend such kindness even

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Greet one person warmly who you normally might not greet in that way.   Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #16 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS And I Found Nothing Better For The Body Than Silence V’lo Matzasi La’Guf Tov E’la Sh’sika Perek Aleph, Mishna Yud Zayin Story:  (based on a true story) When I was in seminary, I was asked by one of my favorite teachers to give the siyum d’var Torah for Sefer Shoftim, which I was learning as part of our school’s nach yomi project.  The siyum was scheduled to take place at the seudah shlishis on a school Shabbaton, and I spent Friday afternoon reviewing and finishing my d’var Torah, despite my throat being a little scratchy.  But by the time I finished the Friday night meal, it was clear that I had lost my voice.   When I woke up Shabbos morning, my voice was back, a little.  I really wanted to give the d’var Torah, so my roommate suggested that I drink lots of tea and not speak for the entire day until right beforehand.  So I walked through the halls, went to meals with my friends, and hung out on Shabbos afternoon, all without saying more than a couple of necessary words. It was hard; so, so hard.  I wanted to take part in the conversation.  I also had stories to tell and questions to ask.  One of my friends told a story, and something similar had happened to me.  I opened my mouth to speak, and then looked down at my tea and closed it again, over and over again.  I just smiled in happiness or frowned in sympathy. By halfway through the long afternoon, I had settled into my silence.  I was getting used to not speaking, and it bothered me less.  I also noticed some things.  First, I could confidently say that I had said no lashon hara all day.  Second, there were some definite benefits to being a listener in conversations.  Many times when I usually would have told my own story or my own view on a topic, and this time didn’t, it turns out the speaker wasn’t quite done; I would have been cutting her off.  Now, she would go on, and I would listen.  Then another person would speak, and I would listen.  I listened so much better when I wasn’t thinking about what I would say.   I said my d’var Torah at the siyum with an almost clear voice, focusing on Devora-a woman who used her words to guide K’lal Yisrael.  I included an extra lesson-save your words, and your voice, for when they count.  And, when you speak, make sure there’s a purpose, and measure and evaluate what you say.  Then people will listen, because if you choose your words carefully, what you say must be important. I thought about this recently when I was having some trouble with one of my kids who was acting out.  I found myself talking and often yelling until my face ached, telling her over and over what to do, what not to do, and why not to do it, but none of it helped.  It just stressed me out, especially when I spoke to her in ways I wish I hadn’t.  When I brought up her behavior and my reactions to my parenting class teacher, her advice began with the words, “Talk less.”  Apparently, my daughter was tuning out my numerous speeches; all she heard was an angry mommy who always criticized her.  She could only take so much guidance, so she lost it all.  By saying too much, I was effectively saying nothing.  So I began consciously closing my mouth when I wanted to speak, and thinking first:  Do I need to say this?  What will she hear when I say it?  Can I say the same thing with just a facial expression?  Should I let this one go?  If I talk, will I get away from myself and start yelling or saying things I will regret later? Slowly, as I said less but said it clearly, she began to hear more.  I also began to hear more, because instead of talking, I listened.  She talked to me with words and with her actions, and because I wasn’t yelling or talking at her, I paid enough attention to see and hear the signals.  I came to know her and understand her better, simply by being quieter. Pirkay Avos: “Shimon b’no omer:  Kol ya’my gudalti bain hachachamim, v’lo matzasi la’guf tov e’la sh’sika…” “Shimon his son (Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel) says:  ‘All my days I grew up among sages, and I found nothing better for the body than silence…’” (Perek Aleph, Mishne Yud Zayin). Rabbi Yehuda HaChasid of Regensberg, author of the Sefer Hachassidim, states, “When I speak, I have reason to regret.  But when I am silent, I have nothing to regret.  Before I speak, I am the master over my words; once the words leave my mouth, they rule over me.” Because it is so difficult to guard one’s speech, HaShem placed the tongue behind the barriers of the cheeks, lips, and teeth (Yalkut Shimoni Tehillim).  And because maintaining silence is so difficult, its reward is correspondingly magnificent.  Our sages praised silence at length, saying, among other things, “Silence is good for the wise, and how much more so, for the foolish” (Pesachim 99a) and “A word is worth a se’la, but silence is worth two” (Megillah 18a).  In regard to acquiring Torah, speech is praiseworthy.  This may be inferred from the language that Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel employs:  “I found nothing better for the body than silence”-only for matters that concern the body.  Talk of a secular nature can all too easily degrade into unpleasant and even forbidden speech, such as gossip and slander.   We must exercise care even in speaking well of others.  One person’s praise of

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Refrain from saying something that is unnecessary and might somehow cause harm.  Listen instead. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #17 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Which is the straight path that a person should choose? Ayzo Hee Derech Y’shara She’yovor Lo Ho’Adam? Perek Bais, Mishna Alef Part 1 Story:  (based on a true story) Viewing ourselves through the lens of someone else is never an easy task.  Very often we ourselves are either harder upon ourselves, or are simply clueless as to the thoughts and opinions of those around us!  As women, we know this all too well.  How many times do we can catch ourselves asking friends, “Do I look too fat in this dress?” and our friend replies with a shocking answer of, “On the contrary, you look so slender!” And, when on a completely different occasion, we walk out in an outfit so unbecoming on us, that our friend probably wishes we’d have asked for her opinion, yet we think we look all the rage! Life choices and behavior can mirror fashion sense.  Recently my oldest daughter entered the dating scene.  As a ba’a’las t’shuva, I met my husband when we were both secular and we became frum together before we got married, so my daughter’s experience would be the first time that we’d be entering the shidduch world.  We both entered very naive, and came out with armfulls of life lessons, straighter backbones and for my daughter, a better sense of what sort of life she should choose for herself, and most importantly, a wonderful husband to share that life with!  However, before she could reach those lofty goals, she had to earn some respect from those around her, and that we found was the key to her success.    We realized early on that our family was not typical.  Perhaps we’d known this all along, but proof was in the pudding when we’d met with several shadchanim.  Each meeting resulted in a painful attempt to drive our metaphorical square peg into their round hole, and when it wouldn’t fit, frustration could be felt on both sides.  Soon enough, we had to realize that the typical shidduch world wasn’t quite for us.  Sadly though, it took me some time to catch on.   In an attempt to mold ourselves to their standards, I urged my daughter to alter her unique and very forthright resume.  “Perhaps tone it down a bit?” I asked her one day.  “Make it less specific.” My daughter had very strong standards in wanting a traditional family, and already several of the shadchanim had balked at finding any boy who would be willing to take on a girl with such strong sentiments.  At first of course, I had stood behind my daughters reasoning.  She’d worked as a professional nanny for several years for a kollel family, and she saw first hand the challenges that lifestyle had on the children.  She didn’t judge the parents decision at all, she just felt that for her life, she preferred to stay home herself and raise her children rather than work outside the home.  Since leaving her nanny job, she’d been steadily employed for several years at a nursing home and planned to continue that line of work after marriage.  However, once children came along, they would become her main job.  So, she was primarily looking for a mate who was a worker vs. a learner.   So when urging her to change her resume to a more standard, less ‘up on a soap box about life ideals’ resume,  my daughter replied firmly and very forthright, “Absolutely not.  My resume stays the way it is.  I’ve thought about this and have considered the possibility.  I’ve given it a lot of thought.  I wondered at first if maybe the shadchanim were correct, that something might have been wrong with me and my ideals, or my approach in this, so I discussed this with my good friends–friends whom I really respect.   My friends told me they are so proud of me for letting the real ‘me’ show through in my resume and for not bending on my standards.  They all agreed that when my bashert comes along, he’ll have the same convictions as me, and will be proud that I had the courage to go against the grain and write a unique resume.  I had doubts, but for now, my resume is going to stay the way it is.” And so it did, along with us trying a unique way of finding her zivug.  Instead of having anymore shadchanim look for matches for my daughter, I contacted everyone I knew, sent off her resume, and had my friends keep their eyes out for someone they might know, in addition to having them send her resume out to their friends, I’m sure you get the picture.  And sure enough, in less than two months later, someone knew someone who knew THE ONE!  Like my daughter predicted, her bashert not only agrees with her take on life, but commended her standards in regard to not bending on changing her resume.  In fact, it was the resume that was the deciding factor that prompted him to agree to meet her in the first place!  After he read it, he insisted on meeting her!  Their views on life are so in-sync, and yet so similarly “old fashioned” to today’s standards yet it works so beautifully for them!  They are quite a unique couple.  Watching from my perspective, I can see how all the people around them who know and admire them became a barometer – guiding them along with their love and respect!  Pirkay Avos: “Ra’bi (Rabbi Yehuda) omer:  Ayzo hee derech y’shara she’ya’vor lo ha’adam?  Kol she’hi tif’eres l’oseha v’tiferes lo min ha’adam.” “Rabbi says:  “Which is the straight path that a person should choose for himself? Whatever is honorable for him and gains him the

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: When speaking with others, be sure that you only say what truly reflects who you are as opposed to fooling others into thinking someone you’re not.   Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #18 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS The World Exists Due To Three Things:  Justice, Truth , and Peace Al Sh’losha D’varim Ha’Olam Kayam, Al HaDin, Al Ha’Emes V’Al HaShalom Perek Alef, Mishna Yud Ches Story:  (based on a true story) It was a crazy time-my husband Shlomo was sitting shiva for his mother and there was so much to do.  With the logistics of the shiva taken care of, I began working on notifying our friends and neighbors about the shiva.  An announcement was made in our shul, and I began calling those who did not daven there and who I wanted to make sure knew.  I began on the block and called house by house, leaving quick messages and accepting condolences and offers of food gratefully.  Then I expanded to the next street, and the next.   About an hour in, I stopped short.  The Kohns.  They lived right next door to the family I had just called, so they should be next.  But they would not be, because any relationship we had with them was severed four years ago. The Kohns became friends of ours shortly after they moved in.  Our kids were different ages, but Shlomo met Mr. Kohn in shul one night and invited the family for Shabbos lunch.  There was no magic “we are the best of friends”, but we saw each other often and became close enough to send shalach manos and be invited to each others’ simchos. Five years later, Shlomo and Mr. Kohn had a fight over something that happened in shul.  Shlomo is one of the gabbo’im, and Mr. Kohn was upset about something to do with aliyos, or kibuddim, or I don’t know what.  He spoke very harshly toward Shlomo, insulting him.  Several days later when the incident had passed and the waters calmed a bit, Shlomo approached him and, in the course of a discussion, asked for an apology for the insult.  It was not granted.  Shlomo felt insulted all over again. Mr. Kohn began davening in a different shul.  I avoided Mrs. Kohn because it was awkward and I was upset.  Our children were not the same ages, so we weren’t forced together, and we became more and more apart.  They made a bar mitzva and we were not invited, which cemented the coldness between our families.  Four years later, here I was staring at the Kohn’s name in my phonebook.  Over the years I had thought about picking up the phone numerous times but it always felt too weird.  But this time, I knew I had to do something.  My mother-in-law had been all about shalom, expending great effort to make sure family members were at peace with each other.  Her shiva was a time for us to follow in her footsteps. I reached out to a mutual friend and asked him to convey to Mr. Kohn that my husband was sitting shiva and would welcome his visit.  He arrived at our home not the next day or the day after that but only hours after he received the call, and was able to truly provide a comfort to Shlomo.  Later that night I reached out to Mrs. Kohn and apologized for my role in the conflict.  And for the first time in many years, I truly felt internal calm and peace. My mother-in-law had once again influenced me to put shalom above other factors.  Whether we had been right or not did not matter.  Years of conflict had taught me that a lack of shalom can kill you from the inside.  Truth and justice are important, but a person who lives his life with just truth and justice, without the soothing blanket of peace, cannot stand.   Pirkay Avos: “Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel omer:  Al sh’losha d’varim ha’olam kayam, al hadin, al ha’emes v’al hashalom…”  “Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel says:  The world exists due to three things:  justice, truth , and peace…” (Perek Alef, Mishe Yud Ches). The third pillar upon which the world depends is peace.  Without it, the work of our hands, whether great or small, could not achieve blessing and success.  That is why Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel lists peace last, for without it nothing cited earlier is of any worth.  When there is peace among men, then they are spared punishment for the most egregious sins.  The Generation of the Dispersed, Dor Haflaga, challeneged HaShem directly, yet He did no more than scatter them across the face of the earth because, He stated, “They are one nation”, they were united.   Peace begins with the individual.  “When a person loves peace, pursues peace, greets people with peace, and responds to them with peace, the Holy One, blessed be He, rewards him with the life of this world and of the World to Come as well.” (Derech Eretz Zuta, Perek HaShalom) Tiferes Yisrael states that the qualities of justice, truth and peace are complementary, creating the foundation for the continued existence of the universe.  The blend of these three qualities exists within each individual as well, corresponding to his deeds, speech, and thoughts.   Justice demands that we not deprive others of their rights.  We must act to protect others from harm.  Justice therefore corresponds to our deeds.   Truthdemands that we do not hurt others with falsehood and slander.  Truth therefore corresponds to speech.   Peace imbues all relationships with warmth and love.  If we see others at odds, we must do what we can to restore harmony between them.  We must help others, thus drawing the spirit of peace into their minds and hearts and, ultimately, into the minds and hearts of mankind.  Peace thus corresponds to our positive thoughts. It does not suffice to engage in good deeds and speak

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Look for an opportunity to choose peace over being right.   Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #19 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS  Be As Scrupulous In Performing A Minor Mitzva As A Major One V’he’vay ZahirB’Mitzva Kala K’VaChamura   Perek Bais, Mishna Alef –   Story:  (based on a true story) “I wish I could be a chessed-machine like Chava”, I told my friend Shifra as I washed the dishes and looked through my kitchen window to keep an eye on the kids playing in the back yard.  “I hear all these shiurim about “Olam chessed yibaneh” and how a woman’s strength is her chessed.  But I can’t seem to do it.” “I hear you,” Shifra said.  “I’ve got my version of your Chava on my block, too.  My neighbor is always making or coordinating meals, or having Shabbos guest who need a place, or visiting people in hospitals, or who knows what else.  And I’m happy if there are fish sticks on the table on time for dinner and I can get homework done with the kids.  How my children will learn about doing chessed outside the house, I have no idea.”  Shifra and I have had this conversation before.  We both feel pretty swamped in our own lives, unable to do a simple thing like making a meal for another family.  We know that what we do at home is important, and that every nose we wipe is a chessed to one of HaShem’s children.  But it feels like we should be doing bigger and better things.  I hung up the phone when I heard a fight breaking out in the backyard.  My neighbor’s older daughter and my younger one were having a disagreement about who got the best swing.  I dried my hands on my skirt as I headed out back, grabbing a handful of ice pops from the freezer on the way.   “Snack time!” I called out from the doorway, and the kids came running.  I had specifically grabbed all the same color, so there were no fights about who got what.  I opened them for the smaller kids, reminding them that popsicles couldn’t be eaten on swings, and went back into the house to finish the dishes.  Back at my perch, I saw the two previously-fighting girls sitting on the patio together playing hangman, each with an ice pop in one hand and a piece of sidewalk chalk in the other.  An hour later, just as the backyard kids were sitting down to dinner, my neighbor came by for her kids.  “I really appreciate your watching Chana and Yehuda every week while I take Shula to speech,” she said, as she always does.  And as always, I told her it was no big deal; I do better when my kids have people to play with.  Yes, there were occasional blips, but it was manageable, and the good outweighed the bad.  She then followed up, as usual, that while it was easy for me, it still helped her.    I remembered this the next day as I watched Chessed-Chava send out yet another meal on a Thursday night.  When I asked her how she managed that, she said, “I guess I don’t find it that hard.  Now, serving dinner three times like you do for the younger kids, the older kids, and your husband, I could never do that.  More than once is too much for me.”  And I realized it was true.  Every person has some chasadim that are hard for her and some that are easier, and some acts fit into a person’s current every-day life better than others.  Sometimes we have to stretch extra hard for something that’s genuinely hard for us in times of necessity, like when a woman down the block had a baby just before the week of summer vacation when most of the block was away, and those of us remaining had to somehow find a way to make it work.  And I do that.  But most of the time, even when it’s just a bunch of small acts, I am doing chessed, even chessed outside the house.  I just don’t take notice of it, because it’s small, routine, and not hard.  But that doesn’t stop it from being a valuable mitzva.  So during my next conversation with Shifra, we decided to stop berating ourselves and start assessing our chessed strengths.  We each identified one, and committed to look for one more opportunity a week to do that chessed.  In my case, that week I asked Chava if her kids would like to come by on Sunday when she went to parent teacher conferences so she wouldn’t need a babysitter, which she often found hard to find.  It would help me with that nothing-time in the morning when the older boys were in school, and help her too.   She accepted happily, and I was happy too.  I never would have thought to offer had I not focused on my being able to help this way.  And I have no idea how much my small amount of help ending up helping her. Pirkay Avos: “Rabi omer:  …V’he’vay zahir b’mitzva kala k’vachamura, she’ain ata yoday’a matan s’charan shel mitzvos…” “Rabi says:  …be as scrupulous in performing a minor mitzva as in a major one, for you do not know the reward given for (respective) mitzvos…”  (Perek Bais, Mishe Alef). Our Sages instruct us, “Do not calculate which mitzvos yield the greatest reward,” otherwise you will confine yourself to performing them alone.  R’ Chiya offers the metaphor of “a king who hired workers to tend to his orchard, but did not tell them the specific payment for planting different types of trees, lest they confine their efforts solely to the more lucrative work.  Similarly, the Creator did not reveal the reward of mitzvos, so as to prevent the dereliction of some” (Pesikta Rabbasi 3:2). The opening passage, “V’he’vay

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Look for a seemingly small way in which you can help someone. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  Lesson #20 PIRKAY AVOS–ETHICS OF OUR FATHERS Do Not Separate Yourself from the Community Al Tifrosh Min HaTzibbur Perek Bais, Mishna Hay Story:  (based on a true story) I was tired, very, very tired.  But there was a community tehillim tonight for a choleh in our community.  I wanted to daven for him and would have loved to actually go–I feel so much a part of everybody and really directed in a room full of women davening for someone–but my husband was on a business trip and I had no babysitter.  I knew what time it started, though, and my kids would be asleep, so I could open my tehillim at the same time as everybody else and say my tehillim at home. The only problem was that I was tired.  In a room full of women with people all around me, I would feel stronger, held up by all of the people, and would have the energy to really truly daven for the choleh, who I knew slightly through a friend.  But at home on my couch, tehillim open in my lap, I found myself dozing after only two mizmorim.  This was important.  I needed to join my community as we stormed shamayim for one of our own.  So I texted a friend who was there and asked her to call me and leave the line open, connecting me to the room through the phone.  I listened to the rustling of a roomful of turning pages combined with occasional sobs, and I davened along.  I said tehillim out loud with the rest of the women when they davened together.  When the tehillim finished, an organizer spoke about the different ways that people could help the choleh and his family.  The meals were already covered.  The childcare was set.  I didn’t know the family well enough to know what specialized help to offer.  I began to think about a mitzva I could take on or strengthen in my own way and on my own time.  And then I heard the woman say, “One thing they really need is blood.”  She mentioned the type and it was mine too. I was healthy.  I was not pregnant or nursing.  And I didn’t want to do it.  After striving to be a part of things, an opportunity was handed to me.  But I was scared.  I hate needles.  I used to sometimes faint during blood tests until I was told that I was so scared I was holding my breath. Two days later, I pushed myself to make the phone call to schedule an appointment to give blood.  I wasn’t sure I’d keep it.  Then, on the day of the appointment, I made myself get in the car.  I got myself there and onto a special chair and they got me started.  I remembered to breathe.  It wasn’t fun, but it also wasn’t bad.  They gave me cookies and juice and I felt fine. And as I sat, I remembered back to my seminary year in Israel when an entire ballroom of a hotel was filled with yeshiva and seminary students having blood drawn to see if they were a match to be a bone marrow donor for one of our people.  I saw people cry as they were tested, and then afterward hold their aching arms and thank the technicians, stopping at the entrance desk to ensure that they would be called if they could donate.  I saw girls in abject terror inch forward on lines toward the testers.  And I thought, “Mi k’amcha Yisrael”.  These people, so scared of pain that they scream and jump, are still here on line to see if they can have a voluntary medical procedure in the future.  They feel a part of K’lal Yisrael, and they know that right now, this is a way they can contribute.  It hasn’t occurred to them to absent themselves. So I gave blood, because I could help that way, even if it was hard.  And I davened from my house, because I could help that way and not the way others could who could actually go.  And I was grateful to be a part of such a tremendous effort on the part of my community to help a Jew in need. Pirkay Avos: “Hillel omer:  Al tifrosh min hatzibbur…“ “Hillel said:  Do not separate yourself from the community…“ (Perek Bais, Mishna Hay). An individual’s strength is enhanced when he is part of a community.  Rav Simcha Bunim of Peshis’cha states that if a person were to pay for an item with a handful of coins among which one coin is worn away, the seller would not object.  However, should he attempt to buy something with this coin alone, it might well be rejected.  Similarly, when a Jew is part of a community, his deeds and prayers are accepted even if they are flawed.  H. R. Israel writes, cited by commentaries of Rabbainu Yitzchak ben Shlomo and the Chasid Ya’avetz, that an individual expresses allegiance to the community in four ways: First, he joins in communal prayer.  Second, he takes part in the community’s charitable endeavors and acts of repentance.  Third, when the community suffers, he does not distance himself from it.  Our Sages teach that, “two ministering angels accompany a person.”  If he does not take part in communal life, “they place their hands on his head and say:  This person has separated himself from others.  Let him not see the consolation that the community will enjoy” (Ta’anis 11a).  Fourth, he conforms to the standards of an upright community.  As our Sages state, “A person should always be an accepted part of the community” (Kesubos 17a).  Among other things, “Do not laugh when others are crying, nor cry when others laugh” (Derech Eretz Zuta 5). (Reproduced