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Review: Last week’s stretch was:  to bring HaShem into the Picture.  With Tool #1 we discussed the value of taking our focus off what the other person did to us.  Instead we learned to focus on this incident as an opportunity coming directly from HaShem.  Somehow what may seem bad in the moment is for our good.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #4 – KAPPARA–ATONEMENT Tool #4:  Kappara–Atonement We need to pound these ideas into our head like nails that will not budge!            1. No one can harm me or benefit me unless it is decreed from above.            2. Everything HaShem does is for my good! Most people become upset when someone does something to them that they perceive as bad.  If we would acknowledge instead that the person is merely a messenger from HaShem, then what the person did would not really seem bad at all.  Even if the incident doesn’t seem ‘good,’ we will be able to understand and interpret the incident as leading to good.  Since we cannot see the whole picture, and we can’t understand how HaShem runs the world, we may need to rely on our trust in HaShem that ultimately this temporarily ‘bad’ experience is also for our good.  Our faith dictates this will eventually be made clear to us, whether in this World or the Next. One way we benefit from hurt is when it serves as a kappara—an atonement for our sins.  At times we may hear someone say with a sigh of resignation:  “Oh well, may it be for a kappara.”  If we truly understood the benefit of an atonement, we would say this instead with relief, maybe even with joy.  We know that this world is not a free for all.  There is a system of reward and punishment for our deeds.  True punishment is actually saved for the Next World, which is eternal.  What we might perceive as punishment in this world actually serves as an atonement for our sins.  Pain and suffering in this world reduces our punishment in the World To Come.  The ability to atone for our sins through suffering in this world, whether it be mild or extreme, is actually a tremendous kindness from HaShem when viewing the big picture. It says in Aicha (3:30):  “Let one offer his cheek to he who smites him.  Let him be filled with disgrace.”  Sefer Kol Bochim explains this to mean:  A person should be so happy when he is disgraced by others, as if he just ate his fill and is satiated.  This is because tolerating insults is the best type of atonement.  Any sort of trouble or pain that comes to a person serves as a kappara, whether it comes straight from HaShem (as with an illness or an accident, G-d forbid), or through another person.  We do not get to choose in what form it comes to us.  We can choose our attitude only.  We are instructed to recognize that receiving the kappara in the form of an insult or hurt, rather than in the form of an illness or financial difficulty, is a true kindness from HaShem.  Only when we identify the current suffering as a kappara can we recognize that it is actually beneficial, resulting in less suffering in the World To Come.  With this acknowledgment, we can let go of and divest ourselves of the negative feelings.  Instead we can serve HaShem with peace of mind.  It is written in the name of the AR”I and the RM”K (Rabbi Moshe Cordovero, author of Tomer D’vora) that if people recognized how beneficial insults and hurts were to their soul, they would run out to the street looking for someone to insult them, even begging them to do so!  (Of course we wouldn’t really want them to behave in that sinful way, it’s just telling us how we would feel if we would understand the tremendous benefit to our souls of an insult.) Additionally, we should know that this also applies to situations in which we inadvertently cause ourselves embarrassment; then too does our soul derive great benefit! There is a Chazal in Yuma (23:a) that states:  “Those who are insulted but do not insult back, they hear their shame but do not answer back, they do it out of love and are happy with y’surim (travails, suffering).”  About them it is written:  “Let those who love Him be like the sun that comes out in its full glory.”  This refers to three levels for us to work towards.  The first level is:  “Those who are insulted and don’t insult back.”  If our goal is peace, we should not stoop to the other person’s level and answer them back with an insult.  The Sefer HaChinuch writes that we are not expected to be like inanimate rocks, having no feelings at all.  We are permitted to defend ourselves or let the person know that his remarks were hurtful.  However, there is an even higher level to strive for and that is:  “They hear their shame and do not answer back.”  This means not only does the person make sure not to insult back, they do not answer back at all—even though they are pained by the remarks.  In such a case, the person remains silent recognizing that any reaction expressed would only add fuel to the fire, intensifying the other person’s anger and leading to more harsh insults.  With the third and the highest level of response: “The person remains silent, not because they don’t want to antagonize the angry person further, but rather with strong faith and trust in HaShem.”  When we recognize He controls everything that happens to us, we accept the hurt as a kappara sent out of love for us, ultimately to reduce our suffering later. Story:  (based on a true story) It had been a long hard and stressful day at work for Rivka.  Before heading for home, she

Review: Last week’s stretch was:  Find reasons to praise HaShem for his mercy and kindness.  In situations that bring suffering or embarrassment, work on seeing this suffering as a kappara, to cleanse ourselves from our sins.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #5 – BEING SILENT Tool #5:  Being Silent at the Time of an Argument The following is from the Sefer K’tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso, quoting an article in Meoros magazine, Issue 46, by Chaim Stefansky. At the time of an argument, people are usually not willing to keep quiet and, as a result, anger rules.  Tempers flare.  In G’mara Chulin, Rabbi Eala said, “The world exists in the merit of those who keep quiet (bolaim) at the time of an argument.  As it says in Iyov (Job 26:7):  ‘The world hangs on nothingness (b’lima).’  The entire world exists in the merit of those people who know when to keep silent.  And when is that?  At the time of an argument.”  Last week the tool used to motivate us to be silent was accepting the pain caused as a kappara.  This week we are looking from a different angle to focus on why people get angry at one another.  The true answer is shocking:  a lack of emuna, a lack of trust in G-d causes anger. If you would approach someone while they were having an angry fit and tell them:  “You are not a believing, trusting Jew!”, they would tremble.  “Because I am angry at someone who hurt me, insulted me, or caused me some sort of damage, I am not a believing Jew? What does one thing have to do with the other?” they would ask. A person who gets angry usually thinks that it was the other person who caused him the pain or damage.  As we have learned with earlier tools, the truth of the matter is that the other person is merely the chosen messenger sent by HaShem to deliver the insult or damage which was coming to him.  The one who responds in an angry fashion demonstrates the belief that someone other than HaShem has power over him.  This is blasphemy! Those who remain silent—from their mouths as well as in their hearts are proclaiming that HaShem alone rules and supervises all that happens.  Therefore, their reaction in such situations is silence.  They know, as we learned last week, that:  No one can harm me unless it is decreed from Above!  This, too, is from HaShem and must only be for my good! In Ohr Yahel, (volume 2, Parshas Vayatzai) as quoted in K’tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso, the discussion continues:  “When such a person arrives in The World of Truth, can there be any greater satisfaction than to see the world resting on his shoulders? This physically weak person, barely able to carry his own frame, will see in the Next World that in truth, he is the one that carried the world, preventing it from falling—by being silent at the time of an argument.” Besides the tremendous merit of keeping the world afloat, our Rabbis tell us that at that moment of keeping silent at the time of an argument, we merit a special power of prayer.  Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein, in Aleinu L’Shabei’ach, relates the following story.  A man, who was married for several years and was not yet blessed with children, approached Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, shlita.  The man poured out his heart to his Rabbi, asking for a suggestion of what to do to merit children.  Rav Chaim recommended that he find someone who kept quiet at the time of an insult and ask him for a b’racha.  At first the man thought this would be simple.  However as time passed, he saw that it was not easy at all to find someone who fit the description.  One evening, when he attended a wedding, he heard one man berate another one, embarrassing him and insulting him very publicly.  The one being insulted did not react.  He ignored the one embarrassing him.  The man who had cried to Reb Chaim realized:  “Finally HaShem had sent me the opportunity I sought.”  He quickly approached the man being insulted.  All this time, the angry man continued his harangue.  The one in need of the b’racha could see the one being insulted finding it more and more difficult to remain silent.  Before he could answer back, the childless man implored him:  “Please, do me a favor and don’t answer back!  I’ll explain as soon as I can.  Please, it is so important to me.  Please do this chesed for me!”  The man in need of a b’racha continued to plead with the man to remain silent and the angry man finally walked away.  Then the man seeking a b’racha told the man who had endured humiliation the suggestion Rav Chaim had given him.  Naturally upon understanding the opportunity he had gained with his silence, the man gave a b’racha for meriting children.  Nine months later, the couple seeking the b’racha celebrated a b’ris. Sometime after this story appeared in Aleinu L’Shabei’ach, Rav Zilberstein heard the following from a reader of his sefer.  A man and his wife were also childless and had tried just about everything.  Seeking a b’racha from someone who remained silent at the time of an argument was not something they had heard of before.  So naturally he too was eager to find someone who merited to make this b’racha.  He wondered, what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t put an ad in the paper, or the shul bulletin.  He didn’t have to wait long.  That very afternoon HaShem brought him to the right place at the right time.  As he entered a shul, he saw a man standing over someone berating and insulting him.  The one being insulted kept quiet.  The man approached him and asked for a b’racha, explaining this was suggested by a Rav to merit having children.  The b’racha was given, and HaShem answered. Amazingly enough, Rabbi Zilberstein mentions a third such incident in a

Review: Last week’s tool was:  To be silent at the time of an argument.  The stretch was:  When embarrassed or insulted by someone publically, practice being silent—understanding that the moment presents an opportunity to ask HaShem for a b’racha.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #6 – REMEMBER NAPOLEAON Tool #6:  Remember Napoleon We are beginning to see how beneficial it is to forgive.  Sefer Raishis Chochma (Anava, gimmel) gives us an even more compelling reason to let go of hurt.  There are times when we are being humiliated by others that require remaining silent so that bad decrees can be torn up—even a decree of death!  Knowing that, who would give up such an opportunity and risk fighting with the one insulting him?   He should actually feel gratitude towards the person for the tremendous benefit gained as a result.  The person may even be saving your life.  Remembering the following story about Napoleon illustrates the point that at times what may appear as an insult may, in fact, be coming to save one’s life.  General Napoleon was conquering city after city in Russia.  There was one particular city that stubbornly resisted surrender.  Napoleon’s soldiers were becoming restless.  Winter was approaching and they dreaded the brutal Russian winters.  Napoleon’s soldiers had been fighting battle after battle and were anxious to return to their families.  Napoleon decided to investigate the morale of the city first hand, to determine whether or not to give his soldiers the oppportunity to return to their families.  He and an officer would sneak into the city disguised as Russian peasants to assess the situation.  If they could determine that people were suffering from hunger, with low morale, Napoleon and his soldiers would conclude victory was close at hand.  Then they would stay the course.  If instead, morale was high, and their enemy had plenty of provisions to resist surrender during the coming harsh winter, then Napoleon would direct his army to take a leave home and would wait for spring to attempt victory over this city.  Once inside the city, Napoleon and his officer came to an Inn where they found Russians soldiers drinking away their misery, and talking about the terrible hunger they suffered in resisting Napoleon’s forces.  Napoleon found the situation in the city to be truly dire.  As he quietly attempted to slip out of the inn with his officer, he was suddenly noticed by one of the soldiers.  Pointing at Napoleon, the Russian soldier exclaimed:  “That man over there!  That’s Napoleon!!”  The other soldiers decided that their friend must be drunk.  What would Napoleon be doing inside the city when he and his army were laying siege to it!  The soldier insisted that he wasn’t drunk.  He had been in Paris before the war, and had seen Napoleon at close range.  He was certain this was Napoleon!  Napoleon’s officer struck on an idea that would hopefully allow them to leave with their lives.  He demanded loudly and rudely that Napoleon bring him a drink.  Napoleon, understanding that this was a ruse to get them both out of there safely, obeyed playing the obedient servant.  Upon bringing the drink to his officer, Napoleon proceeded to spill it all over his officer.  The officer then slapped Napoleon across the face, cursed him, and kicked him to the ground.  The Russian soldiers seeing this, laughed at their friend who had claimed this man was Napoleon.  Surely their friend must be drunk.  Who could possibly treat the great General Napoleon in such a manner and expect to live!  With the attention now turned away from them, Napoleon and his officer managed to slip away to safety.  As soon as they were out of the city, the officer got on his knees and begged Napoleon for forgiveness.  “For what?  I owe you my life for what you did!”  Napoleon proceeded to hug and kiss his officer.  Napoleon promoted him to the highest rank possible.  (From Sefer Ayal Hamilu’im as quoted in K’Tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso.) From this story of Napoleon, we learn an important lesson.  There are times in a person’s life when difficult decrees from Heaven hang over him.  Then, in HaShem’s kindness, HaShem sends the person an opportunity to tear up the difficult decrees.  That opportunity comes in the form of someone who insults, hurts, or humiliates him in some way.  If the one being hurt rises above his feelings and understands that these “smacks, kicks and humiliations” are coming to redeem him for life, or to grant him fortune and success, then he will accept the insults happily.  This tool is named “Remember Napoleon” because Napoleon understood that the insults, kicks and humiliation he suffered were coming to save his life.  If Napoleon had protested and condemned his officer for insubordination, they would not have made it out of there alive!  When we are faced with a test of being humiliated, we could, with practice over time, learn to respond:  “Who knows what this might be saving me from!”  Perhaps something life threatening was supposed to happen, and HaShem, in his great kindness, sent instead this opportunity to have the decree nullified—through accepting insults, letting go of hurt feelings, being m’vater (giving in), or remaining silent in an argument.  This is even more challenging perhaps when one feels he is right.  If I recognize that this person is actually a messenger from HaShem to save me from a harsh decree, even possibly a decree of death, this will fundamentally change my attitude and enable me to thank HaShem for such an opportunity!  (from K’Tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso by Rabbi Avraham Tobalsky) We don’t suggest actually thanking the person who hurt us or caused us humiliation.  This might cause them to get even more angry.  However, if we recognize the tremendous benefit we receive through them, we can thank HaShem for sending them as a messenger.  Remembering the lesson we learn from

Review: Last week’s tool was:  “Remember Napoleon”  The stretch was to realize in a situation where you are insulted or embarrassed, that the insult is coming to save you from a worse decree.   Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #7 – A WINNING LOTTERY TICKET Tool #7:  A Winning Lottery Ticket When a challenging situation arises, we start by using the tools we have previously learned.  We can choose to judge the person favorably (dan l’chaf z’chus).  We can view the situation as a kappara.  We can bring HaShem into the picture and declare that nothing in the world can happen without it first being decreed from Above.  If these fall short, another tool is seeing the challenging, difficult or unpleasant situation as a “winning lottery ticket.” When HaShem sends us a painful situation, we can get angry at the other person, or we can withdraw from the other person.  We could view the situation with a heavy heart and as a burden, as in:  “Oy, yet another test, sigh.”  Alternatively, we could learn to see the difficulty as a chance for great blessings to come our way.  Sometimes HaShem creates situations just so we can gain extra merit with a proper response.  HaShem might send an angry impatient person to the supermarket to yell at us in front of everyone.  We should look at this as if HaShem handed us a winning lottery ticket.  Whether or not we can cash it in is up to us.  If we get angry, leaving HaShem out of the picture, it is as if we took that winning lottery ticket and tore it up.  If instead we remain quiet and recognize that this challenging situation is from HaShem and is for our good, then we can “cash in our ticket for the jackpot.”  The jackpot is an abundance of HaShem’s b’rachos.  If we keep quiet, then we pass the test.  Passing the test brings HaShem’s forgiveness for our aveiros.  Of course we will only succeed by keeping HaShem in the picture and recognizing that everything that happens to us comes from HaShem, and is brought to us for our good.  The following story will help us understand when this tool of the winning lottery ticket may be precisely the right one for us—especially if earlier tools don’t help reduce our reaction of anger with the other person. Story:  (based on a true story) One Eruv Sukkos, Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein was approached by a man.  He was distraught and asked the Rabbi to accompany him to see the damage his neighbor had done to his apartment.  Rabbi Zilberstein was taken to the man’s balcony where the sukka had been completely decorated.  The table had been set for Yom Tov.  Unfortunately the family upstairs had washed their floor and sent all the filthy water from cleaning their whole apartment down the drain on their porch which emptied down onto the upset man’s sukka.  Rabbi Zilberstein could see the schach was dripping with filthy water.  The filth dripped on his beautifully set table, and dripped down from the wet decorations.  This man’s family was in great pain.  The Rabbi probably first acknowledged the pain of every family member who had worked to prepare such a beautiful Yom Tov table only to have it ruined. Rather than going to make the upstairs neighbors aware of the damage their water had done to the sukka, the Rabbi said he preferred to speak to the heart of the one that is hurt.  He quoted from a very rare sefer Bris Olam, authored by a talmid of the RamChal, about the mitzva in the Torah azov ta’azov, translated here as “You shall surely help.”  (Usually these words mean “to leave”.)  In the discussion of the mitzva, the Torah instructs us that if you see your enemy’s donkey falling under the burden of a heavy load, you shall surely help your enemy in unloading the donkey repeatedly.  This is the only place in the Torah where the word a’zov means help rather than leave:  you shall surely help.  What is the significance of this?  The Torah is telling us that if you leave behind your complaints against him and forgive him, then a’zov ta’azov, HaShem will surely leave behind all his complaints against you.  Your sins will be forgiven and you will merit a clean slate.  The sefer specifies that you will have a clean slate like a newborn baby.  No one would knowingly give up such an opportunity. We could imagine that the Rabbi helped members of the family to give the family upstairs the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe in fact a child had swept the dirty water through the drain unaware of where it would drip down.  Certainly no one purposely caused them this harm.  Even taking into account all the damage done, it was certainly worth it for all he would gain by forgiving the person, a completely clean slate; all of his sins forgiven.  For a person to get angry and continue to be upset after learning this, means the person doesn’t understand that everything is from HaShem.  Sometimes HaShem sends us these painful situations through another person to give us the opportunity to earn his b’rachos.  He wants to shower us with His b’rachos.  First He sends a test to see that we are worthy, and to what extent.  The heavenly ‘cameras’ will testify as to the reactions of the person.  Does the person choose to keep quiet, recognizing this is from HaShem, or does he instead react out of anger?  Does he forgive his neighbor or does he demand justice be done  The person’s reactions will determine the blessings that HaShem sends down. Discussion Question Options: When we find ourselves upset with the actions or words of another, what could we think to ourselves to help change our negative reaction? Is there anything important to lose by letting go of the anger in light of what is to be gained? When would you find it most

Review: Last week’s tool was:  “the winning lottery ticket.”  The stretch was to stop yourself after getting angry or upset with someone.  Consider they have given you a winning lottery ticket.  Everyone needs b’rachos from HaShem.  Consider how it would be worth giving up our anger in favor of receiving an abundance of b’rachos that HaShem has waiting for us.  Would it be worth giving up the right to be angry or upset in favor of the possibility of receiving this b’racha from HaShem? Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far). Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #8 – THE SHALOM FUND Tool #8:  The Shalom Fund Money is quite often the reason for strife between people.  The Chofetz Chaim’s solution in such cases is creating a Shalom Fund.  In Sefer Shmiras HaLashon, the Chofetz Chaim advises us to set aside a certain amount of money every week for this fund.  In the time of the Chofetz Chaim, when money was more scarce, they probably had to literally put money aside weekly for this special purpose.  In modern times, we can mentally have in mind that a portion of our money in the bank is for our Shalom fund.  In the same way we make sure to have money available for other mitzvos, such as m’zuzos, matzos for Pesach, and a lulav and esrog for Succos, we need to make sure we have money available for the mitzva of shalom.  Would a person ever say:  “It’s been a rough year, I think we’ll have to do without matzos this Pesach,” or “We spent so much on the new house, there is no money in the budget for m’zuzos.  We will have to do without them for the time being.”  Of course not. Why is it so hard to spend money for this essential mitzva of shalom?  We remember from our first lesson how important shalom is to HaShem.  When we seek to make ourselves a “receptacle” to contain HaShem’s blessings, we will seek ways to make peace in our relationships and for ourselves.  With a designated Shalom Fund, we are relieved from feeling that we are taking money from ‘our own pockets’ for that which our neighbor owes us.  Rather we are paying with money that was already designated in our minds to go for the mitzva of shalom.  We are not necessarily talking about large sums of money here.  A person need not feel that if one is constantly taking money out of a Shalom Fund, then others will take advantage and soon a person would have no money left for personal needs.  For large amounts of money, a person has a right to turn to the Bais Din to recover what the person believes is owed him.  Additionally, when a person forgets to pay us back or return a borrowed item, it would certainly be proper behavior to remind them, even if it requires several reminders.  Truthfully, the day to day quarrels over money almost always involve small amounts.  By utilizing the Shalom Fund, a person saves himself from many serious sins.  If a person is not sure if their case should go to Bais Din, or if they should be m’vater on the money, definitely ask your Rav.  However, it is important to keep in mind the words of Yaakov Kaminetzky, zt’l:  “People think the one who is m’vater is a tzaddik, but I say he is a chochom.”  One who is m’vater will never lose out!  Many people have said how valuable this tool has been in helping them maintain good relationships with neighbors who borrow items and never return them, or friends when making sheva b’rachos together and one of the participating parties does not pay their fair share, or when there is a disagreement on how much should be spent, with mechutanim when making a simcha together. The Chofetz Chaim, in Sefer Shmiras HaLashon, gives a mashal of a father dishing out portions of food to his children.  One of them, Reuven, approaches him and asks for another portion.  Reuven explained that Shimon took his portion.  When he asked for it back, Shimon refused to give it to him.  Reuven understood that his father did not like seeing his children fighting, so rather than fight with Shimon over the food, Reuven was asking for a new portion.  The father upon hearing this explanation was so pleased, the father gave him a double portion.  Now, imagine the scenario differently.  Imagine Reuven demanding that Shimon give him back his portion.  Imagine that Shimon refuses, so Reuven grabs the food by force.  Soon food is flying and both brothers are hitting each other on the floor.  The father turns around demanding to know what’s going on.  Reuven points to Shimon saying: “He started it.  He took my food and wouldn’t give it back!”  The father would then answer, while reaching to take Shimon’s food from him:  “I don’t care who started it!  You should have just come to me and asked for more rather than fight!  Now both of you get nothing!” HaShem is our loving Father and can’t tolerate seeing His children fight.  Everything we have is from Him and if we feel someone is unfairly taking away something that is rightfully ours, we need only turn to HaShem and ask Him to replace it.  It pleases HaShem so much when we choose peace over strife or bearing a grudge, then we are promised that He will actually pay us back double the amount on which we are m’vater!  (See Sefer Sh’miras HaLashon, Sha’ar Hatevuna, Chapter 11) Wouldn’t it be foolish to give up such an opportunity?  When we find ourselves facing such a test, we again must strengthen our trust and faith in HaShem, and recognize that everything is from Him.  How much money we will have is determined on Rosh Hashanah.  No one can take away from us what HaShem determines we are to have. Story: From K’tais HaShemesh Bigvuraso: A little over eighty years ago there lived a Jew, Reb Chaim, who owned a printing shop in a town in Israel.  One day another Jew opened a printing shop right next to the first one.  The first thing

Review: Last week’s tool was:  the Shalom Fund.  The stretch was to discuss the concept of a family shalom fund, which doesn’t have to be taking funds out of the bank.  Knowing this is a budgeted item proves helpful.  Using any of the tools learned to date, one person share a success story for two minutes. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far) PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #9 – NOT REUVAIN Tool #9:  Not Reuvain Hurt feelings are often caused by something someone else said or did.  There are times, however, when we are upset with someone as a result of something they didn’t do, when we have expectations that are not fulfilled.  This may include when someone doesn’t invite us to their simcha, doesn’t lend us an item we know they have, or doesn’t come through with a favor.  The Chofetz Chaim says that in such cases, we shouldn’t have a complaint against them.  Instead, we should know that it wasn’t decreed in Heaven that the favor should come from that particular person.  To illustrate this, the Chofetz Chaim gives us a mashal:  Someone going to an unfamiliar town was asked to deliver a package to “Reuvain.” Upon seeing a group of people he asked:  “Excuse me, would you tell me where I could find Reuvain?  Someone answered him, “Try at the marketplace.  There are a lot of people at the market.  Perhaps you’ll find him there.” The man took his advice and went to the marketplace and asked around for Reuvain, without success.  Would it ever occur to him to get angry at each one he approached when he was told that each one wasn’t Reuvain?  “Why are you Shimon?  or “Why are you Levi when I need Reuvain?  If he cannot find Reuvain, he needs to search further until he comes across the right person.  So too, the Chofetz Chaim says, if one asks a person for a favor, and they don’t come through, one shouldn’t hold it against the person because they are not the one decreed in Heaven to give the favor.  Instead, simply go find “Reuvain,” the one meant to do the favor.  If one doesn’t find Reuvain, then recognize this too is from HaShem. On the mitzva, do not hate your brother in your heart, the Rambam says:  “If one person sins against another, he shouldn’t hold it in his heart, but he should approach him for the sake of shalom (not to let off steam), asking him why he did it, or let him know that he’s hurt, in order to give the person an opportunity to explain himself or apologize.  If the person refuses to apologize or excuse his actions, only then may the person hold it against him.” The Rambam does say at this point that there are those who will work on forgiving on their own, without approaching the person.  This is most certainly praiseworthy.  The Chofetz Chaim maintains that because there are opinions to the contrary (that we may not hold on to bad feelings towards that person even after approaching the person and getting a negative response), we do not hold as the Rambam in this case.  Therefore, it would be much better to work on the hurt on our own (or with the help of a friend) and only approach the person after giving it much thought, concluding that the person will probably answer in a positive way so shalom will be achieved.  The point to emphasize here are the beginning words of the Rambam:  “If one person sins against another.” This lenient opinion of the Rambam only applies if someone has sinned against you, and not when the person doesn’t do something you would have liked them to do.  In such cases, even the Rambam maintains that we are not allowed to harbor any ill will against them.  Such cases include not lending an item, not inviting us, not visiting, and not coming through with a favor we expected.  In all of these such cases, we are obligated to recognize that the favor was not meant to come from them (utilizing the tool of strengthening ourselves with emuna and bitachon) as well as to judge them favorably. Story:  (based on a true story) Dina’s sister in Lakewood was making a wedding.  When visiting Dina in Baltimore, the sister had visited the gown g’mach and found the perfect gown for her and one for her daughters.  A week before the wedding, Dina picked up the gowns from the g’mach and proceeded to inquire about rides to Lakewood.  She was happy to hear that Mrs. C.’s daughter, Leah, was in town for Shabbos and would be returning to Lakewood on Sunday.  Dina called the C.’s home and asked Leah if she would perhaps have room to take the gowns.  Leah said that she probably would.  To be certain, she should call back in an hour after she had the car packed.  When Dina called back, Leah’s mother answered.  Dina told her that Leah said she should call back to see if she had room in the car for the gowns.  Mrs. C., when hearing what Dina wanted, immediately said:  “Of course she won’t have room.  She’s traveling with her whole family.  They have lots of stuff.  She won’t be able to take anything extra.” Dina’s heart sank.  She thought that if she would have spoken to Leah directly, Leah would have been more accommodating.  Leah probably would have made room for the two gowns.  Mrs. C. hadn’t even checked with Leah.  Dina was quite upset.  Her sister really needed those gowns and Leah was the only ride Dina had found.  While condemning Mrs. C. in her mind, she heard a little voice in her head say:  “She’s not Reuvain.” At first she fought that idea.  Slowly, she let it grow stronger.  Though it was hard for her to accept at first, she was finally able to remove from her heart the complaints that she had

Review: Last week’s tool was:  Notice situations in which you are hurt or disappointed.  Consider if using the tool of “Not Reuvain” might make a difference.  Notice any situation that allows you to practice any of the tools learned to date. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far). PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #10 – Middos Development Program (MDP) With certain people we may feel, “Why did HaShem put this person in my life? Didn’t HaShem know that I do not need this type of… (neighbor, coworker, parent, in-law, husband, child)? I need someone warm and understanding, sensitive and nurturing, easy-going and even tempered.” We know that HaShem does not make mistakes.  If we have a difficult person in our lives, it must be because HaShem decided this is exactly what we need.  That being the case, we could look at these people as part of our Middos Development Program.  It’s the job of a personal trainer to determine what muscles need strengthening and to give us the exact exercises needed to strengthen those particular muscles.  HaShem is our Personal Trainer.  He knows exactly what middos need strengthening, and puts certain people in our lives to give us an opportunity to strengthen these precise middos, whether it’s patience, tolerance, humility, or forgiveness.  We need the challenging person in our lives to help us become more complete people and to help us grow.  Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob (Mishpacha Magazine, May 29, 2013) writes that just as every blade of grass in the world has an angel standing over it shouting, “GROW,” the difficult people planted in our lives are there to make us grow.  “When someone pushes your buttons, take a deep breath, look inside, and…hear the angel shouting, GROW.”  And then say to yourself, “I know that HaShem has sent this angel just for me, to help me grow; to grow in controlling my anger, in patience, in compassion, in my commitment to caring for the feelings of others, to grow as a human being, and as a Jew, and to grow also in my trust of HaShem, realizing that He knows exactly who to send to me as His agent of growth.” Story:  (based on a true story) While in high school Baila had not been very socially inclined.  It was now two years after seminary and Baila made her friend’s shidduch.  She couldn’t wait for the vort because it would be her chance to shine in front of her former classmates and teachers.  While at her friend’s vort, when someone asked the kalla who had made the shidduch, Baila heard her answer:  “A mutual friend.”  Baila was so hurt.  She was sure the kalla must have been too embarrassed to admit that it was Baila, since she had never been part of the “in” crowd.  It was a real blow to Baila’s self-esteem.  Didn’t HaShem realize that she needed this opportunity to shine? We really can’t go into the kalla’s mind to say why she answered the way she did.  We are obligated to try to give her the benefit of the doubt.  If that doesn’t help Baila, then she should move on to the other tools we have learned.  Bringing HaShem into the picture, one can certainly say this could be a kappara.  Additionally, perhaps this hurt was taking the place of a bad decree (Remember Napoleon) or an opportunity HaShem was sending her to merit HaShem’s blessings (Lottery Ticket).  If these earlier tools don’t help reduce Baila’s suffering, she can recognize that HaShem is her Personal Trainer.  She may have thought that what she needed was to bask in the glory of the moment when people would hear that she was the shadchan.  Obviously, HaShem thought otherwise.  Baila’s job was then to think about what middos HaShem might like her to strengthen.  Perhaps HaShem was telling her to find her own inner strength, to be proud of her accomplishments, and not to depend on the approval of others.  When we imagine the kalla as a messenger of HaShem, serving as a catalyst for Baila’s growth, then anger and hurt diminish, replaced by gratitude to HaShem for the opportunities provided. From Yated Ne’eman The Editor’s View by R’ Lipshitz (June 7, 2013) (Reprinted with permission.) Rav Yisroel Salanter’s Mussar Movement changed the way Jews treat each other and interact with the world.  There is a tradition that the revolution was sparked by Rav Yisroel’s reaction to a pitiful incident.  The legend goes that there was a man named Yankel, who was a simple shoemaker in a small town.  He was illiterate and unable to study much.  He could barely daven or recite T’hillim.  One day, he received a message that there was a letter on fancy stationary waiting for him at the post-office, postmarked from the big city.  He rushed over and asked the postal clerk to help him read the letter.  As the clerk read on, the initial frown on Yankel’s face morphed into an ever-increasing smile.  The letter informed him that his wealthy, childless uncle had passed away and left his fortune to Yankel the shoemaker.  Yankel hurried home to inform his wife about their newfound wealth.  He was overjoyed by how their life had just taken an unexpected turn.  His wife rejoiced in the good news.  but advised him to proceed with caution.  “Yankel,” she said, “don’t just take the money and spend it on luxuries because eventually, it will run out and you will be back to fixing shoes.  Go to the big city to claim your inheritance and then we will speak to the local g’vir and seek his advice on a business to invest in.  Wisely, Yankel listened to her suggestion and brought the money to a reputable local financier to invest for him.  Within a short period of time, he was earning enough to be able to bid his shoe repair shop a final goodbye.  He lived on his investment income and grew richer day by day.  With nothing to do, he began to frequent the bais medrash, where he would pay young

Review: Last week’s tool was:  the Middos Development Program.  The stretch was to view any situation during the week in which you are hurt, embarrassed or angry as uniquely customized by your personal trainer for your Middos Development Program. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned.  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #11:  Power Plant Rabbi Ezriel Tauber in his sefer, As In Heaven, So On Earth, describes two ways of M’Kadaysh Shaim Shamayim (sanctification of HaShem’s name):  a public Kiddush HaShem and a private Kiddush HaShem.  Most people are more familiar with the former rather than the latter. A public Kiddush HaShem is an impressive deed done in the presence of others which brings much honor to HaShem’s name.  Then there are those things which take much inner strength but no one knows about them–except for HaShem.  This is called a private Kiddush HaShem.  Every time a person performs a mitzva that others aren’t aware of, they are making a private Kiddush HaShem.  Aside from doing a kindness for someone privately, this would include holding back from speaking lashon hora, using our tools to drop grudges, finding a z’chus for someone’s questionable actions, or strengthening ourselves in emuna and bitachon–all recognizing that whatever the situation, HaShem is in charge.  Only HaShem sees how we work on ourselves to drop a grudge when we’ve been hurt, or fight our yetzer hora, holding in the lashon hora we would have liked to say.  All this work that we do in our mind and our heart, unseen by others, is creating a private Kiddush HaShem.  Only HaShem knows what is in our hearts and only He sees how much we are working on ourselves to be m’vater, to maintain shalom. Rabbi Tauber states that just as a power plant generates energy to supply light to this room, this building, and perhaps even a good portion of this city, so do we, through our private Kiddush HaShem acts generate an energy that has the power to light up the lives of other Jews in some way, even those that are thousands of miles away. Rabbi Lipschutz, in his editorial in the Yated Ne’eman (October 25, 2013,) states very clearly:  “The worst mistake we can make when we wake up in the morning and begin our day is to think that our actions, and our very being, don’t make a cosmic difference.  A person’s most serious error is the belief that he isn’t part of a bigger picture.  We may look at our friends and ourselves as being small and insignificant.  However, we must be confident in the belief that our words and actions have unseen and untold affects on the world.” With all the tools we have discussed until now, we have shown how we benefit by being m’vater.  Earlier we  quoted Reb Yaakov Kaminetsky, zt”l, about people often thinking that someone who is m’vater is a tzaddik.  However, he is actually a chacham, since one who is m’vater never loses out.  With this tool called the “Power Plant,” we go beyond the personal benefit to recognize how we can help K’lal Yisrael as well.  Yes, it can be very difficult at times to do so.  We may be very justified in our grudge or bad feelings.  We need to recognize that each person is a (mikdash m’at) a small sanctuary, and our hearts are the Holy of Holies!  The work we do in our hearts can be compared to the service of the Kohan Gadol on Yom Kippur when he entered the Holy of Holies.  Let us see the bigger picture in the conflicts we have in our lives with others and use it as an opportunity to help ourselves, our families, and all of K’lal Yisrael–by focusing on Shalom, HaShem’s priority for us. Story:  (based on a true story) During the Six Day War in Israel, the Jordanians were shooting and fighting around Y’rushalayim.  The Mir Yeshiva was located at the border with Jordan.  Much of their time was spent in the bomb shelter.  On one particular day, the shelling was especially heavy and frightening.  No one knew if they would survive the day.  After the war was over, some of the students were curious in what merit their yeshiva was fully saved.  The students wondered if they were saved in the merit of their Torah learning.  The Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, responded to the students with an answer no one expected.  He said:  “Do you know what saved us today?  One would think it was in the merit of our Torah learning and fervent prayers.  I think instead it was in the merit of a laundry woman sitting next to me in the bomb shelter.  This extraordinary woman is an aguna (a woman whose husband left her).  This woman was left destitute and was forced to support herself and her family by washing other people’s dirty clothes.  From where I sat in the shelter, I could hear her crying out to HaShem:  “Ribono Shel Olam, I forgive them all.”  This act of vatranus, of forgiving and letting go, brought down HaShem’s forgiveness, and in her merit, I believe all of us in the shelter were saved today.” Discussion Question Options: Give examples of private Kiddush HaShem  acts. What are the greatest examples of forgiveness you have witnessed or heard of? Think of an act of forgiveness, an act of letting go, that would be BIG for you even now. Stretch of the Week: Let go of a grudge, a hurt, or a negative assessment of someone.  Really deeply let go.  Think about this as a Kiddush HaShem, of intentionally making you and K’lal Yisrael a vessel for His b’rachos.