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Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week:   Have the courage to apologize to someone you have wronged in any way. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Taking A Deeper Look Lesson #1 LOVE YOUR FELLOW JEW AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF PART 1 – Centrality of the Mitzvah Halacha: The Sages considered the mitzvah of loving one’s fellow Jew as one loves himself as the most important commandment in the entire Torah. This mitzvah is closely connected to almost every commandment concerning human relationships. Examples include; prohibitions against stealing, damaging property or personal reputation, adultery, speaking negatively about others, etc. Conversely, when we fulfill any one of the positive commandments – such as saving a life, returning lost property, honoring parents, visiting the sick, hosting guests, comforting mourners, attending to the burial of the dead, etc. – we also fulfill the mitzvah of loving one’s fellow Jew. In order to fulfill this obligation properly, it is not enough to consider how you, considering your own strengths and weaknesses, might feel under the circumstances.  For example you may be thick-skinned and truly do not mind when others kid you about your faults.  That does not give you license to joke at another person’s expense, rationalizing that “I wouldn’t care if he treated me that way.”  Rather, you must empathize with others and act accordingly. In sum: As summer approaches, and the Jewish people mourn the destruction of our holy Temple, this is an appropriate time to reflect upon the message of the Three Weeks. The First Temple was destroyed because during its existence there were three sins:  idolatry, immorality and bloodshed. During the period of the Second Temple, although the Jewish people studied Torah and performed positive commandments, it was also destroyed because there was purposeless hatred among them. During the period of the Second Temple the Jewish people were united.  G-d could still ask, “Who is like My people Israel, one nation on earth?”  The Temple served as the symbol of their unity because they brought all offerings to the same place and used the same priests.  When they descended to petty bickering and hatred, they forfeited their claim to protection from the Almighty.  Our Sages say “If a generation does not merit to see the Temple rebuilt, that generation is considered to have caused the Temple’s destruction!” Thankfully, we are seeing so many signs that we are living in Messianic times.  Let us bring the redemption closer by focusing on the loving one’s fellow Jew as we love ourselves, especially during this time, as an antidote to the baseless hatred which caused the destruction. (Sources:  The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver, Chapters of the Fathers by Rabbi P. Kehati, Love Your Neighbor by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, Gifts for the Soul by Rabbi Moshe Avidan, and Overview to Megillas Eicha by Rabbi N. Scherman). Story:  Isaac was a typical Jewish teenager. He earned decent grades, was well liked by his friends, and had a real passion for basketball.  His friends were all like him, “good” boys from “good” families.  Having grown up in an affluent Jewish community, none of the boys had ever really experienced any major challenges in their lives. The boys practiced basketball every day at the same time. Every day before practice began, Isaac would lift up his eyes to the tenement building closest to the basketball court, and acknowledge the old face watching from behind the curtain.  No matter what day of the week, no matter what time of day, every time he looked up, the old woman was there, watching them. One day Isaac looked up and noticed that there was no one at the window.  He checked again but only saw the old, frayed curtain fluttering in the breeze.  He had feeling that something was wrong.  For years the boys had been playing on the same court and the lady had been there for every practice. Isaac could barely concentrate on his game. He did not know what to do.  On the one hand maybe something was wrong, on the other hand what difference did it make to him? This woman was a stranger, and what could he do anyway?  Then he remembered his mother’s Ahavas Yisrael study group talking about the importance of extending oneself to help others. As soon as the game finished, Isaac found himself climbing the stairs to the apartment, quickly, before he could change his mind.  He knocked on the door.  At first he heard only silence but then it seemed that he could hear faint cries.  Isaac immediately called the police who broke down the door and found the woman lying on the floor where she had fallen and unable to move since the previous night. Isaac stayed until the lady’s daughter arrived.  After watching them leave in the ambulance, he experienced the joy that accompanies truly having extended oneself to help someone in need. Discussion Question Options: 1.    How can we increase our awareness of the needs of others? 2.    In what ways can we increase our love for our fellow Jews in the world? 3.   Why does it often feel so difficult to extend ourselves beyond what feels comfortable for us? Stretch of the Week: Think of any mitzvah of loving one’s fellow Jew as you love yourself.  Be sure to perform this mitzvah at least once this week.

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: Think of any mitzvah of V’Ahavta L’Rayacha KaMocha.  Be sure to perform this mitzvah at least once this week. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  Taking A Deeper Look – Lesson #2 LOVE YOUR FELLOW JEW AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF  (PART 2 – Priorities in the Mitzvah)   Halacha:  While everyone is obligated to treat others as we would like to be treated, the Torah provides us with certain guidelines and rules of precedence to use when two different acts of kindness conflict with each other.  The rules are categorized as follows:    YOUR LIFE COMES FIRST  Although the commandment requires us to be genuinely concerned for another person’s needs, there is a different aspect that limits this concern to a certain extent: “and your brother shall live with you” (Vayikra 25:36).  Our Sages deduce from these words that your life takes precedence over your friend’s life.  Therefore, when helping others may cause harm to us, we act in accordance with this principle.    Consider the example of two people who are traveling through the desert, and only one of them has a flask of water.  If they both drink from it, they will both die of thirst; but if only one drinks from it, he will reach a settlement and survive.  The Torah teaches us that, in this case, the owner of the water should drink it all in order to save himself in the long run, rather than give half of it to his friend, which will save them both, but only for a short time.  This ruling is based on the principle of “Your life comes first” and applies also in cases involving financial loss, Torah study, retrieving a lost object and in other matters.   YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST  Your personal livelihood takes precedence over someone else’s livelihood.  Therefore, we are not obligated to give tzedakah to support others unless we have enough money for our own basic needs.  The same applies to other acts of kindness. While we are obligated to help others, we are not required to do so if it will bring damage upon ourselves.  For example, if someone asks for our help in doing some work, we do not have to take time off, and suffer a monetary loss, in order to assist him.  YOUR LOST OBJECT TAKES PRECEDENCE  If you lose something and then come across both your own lost object and that of your friend, if you can return both, you must do so.  But if that is impossible, your own object takes precedence over belonging to others. We are required to protect ourselves from poverty and financial loss.  However, even though Jewish law provides us with this “out”, the proper conduct is to be stringent, and not be overly particular about giving our own property priority when the loss is only a possibility.  If a person is so meticulous about protecting his interests that he constantly avoids helping others, it is considered as if he has discarded the obligation of kindness.  In the end, his punishment will be that he himself will be forced to rely on the help of others. (Mishpetei Hashalom 13:14-15)  YOUR RELATIVES TAKE PRECEDENCE  Relatives should take precedence in the commandments concerning kindness.  Therefore, we are obligated to care for our parents’ needs before tending to the needs of our children (assuming that it does not impinge too much on the smooth running of the household, depending on the situation. Similarly, the needs of our community take precedence over those of another city, and the needs of a Torah scholar take precedence over those of a layman.  A common illustration of this principle is the housewife who will be unable to attend to the needs of her own home properly if she goes to help another family.  It is important to keep in mind that, just as a person cannot give tzedakah from funds he should be using to pay his own debts, so too, a woman cannot extend herself for the sake of others before she carries out her obligations to her own family.  An exception would be a case where, in doing a kindness for others, her intention is to teach her children an important lesson.  For example, by sending food to a neighbor who is a widow, she hopes to show her children how we must cater to the special needs of others; or by preparing elaborately for guests, she teaches her children that they are to be served better and more plentiful food. (Mishpetei Hashalom 13:21)  (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)  Story: Debbie removed the chicken from the oven, arranged the side dishes in disposable aluminum pans and, with a smile of satisfaction, placed the meal on a large tray. She had exactly an hour before the children were due home – perfect timing.  Debbie drove to Tamar’s house, and knocked on the door.  Nothing could have prepared her for the shock of seeing her friend’s clenched and weary face Finding a place to put the tray down in the kitchen was a challenge as the house was a total disaster.    Tamar was in pain, and visibly embarrassed.   Let me help you,” begged Debbie.  “Just go lie down, and I’ll tidy up a little.”  “Thanks,” whispered Tamar, “I’m really desperate so I won’t say no.  My mother-in-law is coming this evening and I really don’t want her to see my house like this”.  As Tamar slowly and gratefully hobbled to her room Debbie began to roll up her sleeves.  She loved a challenge, but it was clear that she would not get much done in the time left before her children were due home.  She quickly texted her oldest daughter.  “Sara, you know Tamar is recovering from major surgery, and I am helping clean her house.  Would you mind taking over at home for a while until I get back?” 

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week:  Let the immediate people in your life know that they are your number one priority. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Taking A Deeper Look LOVE YOUR FELLOW JEW AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF Part 3 – Unconditional Love Halacha: Some people are always willing to do a favor – as long as they are getting something in return.  Their so-called “love” is actually an expression of their unspoken motto:  “You take care of me, and I’ll take care of you.”  This can be compared to the person who claims that he “loves fish.”  “If so,” he is asked, “why do you kill them and eat them?  Why don’t you throw them back into the water?  It is clear that the one you love is yourself!” Genuine Ahavas Yisrael, or love of one’s fellow Jew, does not function in this manner.  When we love our fellow Jews and provide assistance, our act should never be tied to expectations of gaining anything in return from the recipient.  Just as G-d is merciful, gracious and giving to His creations without expecting anything in return, we are also expected to conduct ourselves in the same way with every other Jew. This is one of the hallmarks of the Jewish people, and is a theme that runs through the entire Torah. True love is the ability to give purely for the sake of benefiting the other person.  The act of giving must not be geared toward bringing pleasure to ourselves. In fact, we are willing to relinquish our own comfort and pleasure so that the object of our love will benefit.  In this way, we are concerned for the recipient’s physical, emotional and financial well-being as well as for his personal honor.  It was with this selfless love that G-d created the world, and by emulating this genuine love when we relate to other, we fulfill the mitzvah of following in His ways. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: When the invitations for our twenty-year class reunion arrived in the mail, I’m sure every single one of us was a bit apprehensive.   Would we recognize each other?  Would we be embarrassed if we hadn’t achieved what we felt was success in our former classmates’ eyes?  Would the same cliques reappear?  If I was thinking this, I’m sure everyone else was as well.  With both excitement and trepidation I responded that I would attend the reunion. As I entered the hall with my childhood friend Riva at my side, we each took in a deep breath and wished each other good luck.  Don’t get me wrong.  We were both truly thrilled to be attending such an exciting event but were also cautious that it may not proceed as smoothly as the school administration had hoped. At first, all went well.  I bumped into some old friends and enjoyed a few minutes reminiscing.  However, it didn’t take long for the predictable and uncomfortable feelings to prevail.  There seemed to be a great deal of tension in the room.  Many of the women acted as if they didn’t recognize anyone or at least pretended not to notice others.  It seemed that the women who were friendly during our high school years, and who seemed have maintained contact, appeared as if they were reverting back to their cliquish ways.  I looked around the room and was blown away by the fact that everyone was talking to the same people they would have been speaking to had we been in the lunchroom twenty years ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  While we were all adult women, how mature were we if we couldn’t manage to greet our old classmates with enthusiasm and interest? How much had we truly grown as people?  Do we base our love for another person on how comfortable we feel  for around her or do we make others feel welcomed and respected because that it how we are supposed to behave as Jews?  At the reunion, I decided that I did not want to continue on with my life exclusively befriending people who were nice to me.  If it’s a mitzvah to love all Jews then why not start with the very people I come into contact with every day? Up until that night I admit that I would interact with others based on how they would behave towards me. Now, at the very least, I try to greet others whether or not they say hello first. As embarrassing as it may feel sometimes, this attitude has helped create warm,  positive environments wherever I am brave enough to implement the idea. Discussion Question Options: What steps can we take to feel genuine  and unconditional love towards our fellow Jews? Why is it so important to forfeit our own comfort and pleasure in order to help others? When someone is hard to love, and we overcome the inclination to ignore them, how do we gain? Stretch of the Week: Perform a specific act of kindness for someone even though you find it to be difficult.

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week:  Make an effort to perform a specific act of kindness for someone you normally wouldn’t do anything for.  Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Taking A Deeper Look Lesson #4 Do not Hate Part 1 – Hidden and Exposed Animosity Halacha: We are not allowed to harbor hatred in our hearts.  In addition to the prohibition of lo sisna, or feeling hatred in one’s heart for a Jew (without justification in accordance with Jewish law), this constitutes a violation of the commandment to love our fellow Jew. However, if we release that hatred and express it by striking a person whether physically, with words, or even deny him a favor because of our hatred, then, according to many opinions, we are guilty of transgressing the prohibitionof lo sisna, in addition to whatever other sinswe may have committed along the way. However, in the case of one who knowingly, and intentionally, violates Torah commandments we are allowed to hate this person. According to some opinions we are not permitted to hate him secretly while making an outward show of friendliness to him but should express our hatred openly. The Torah teaches us that we should not pretend to be someone’s friend while hating him in our heart.  Instead, we should express our grievances privately, so as not to embarrass him, and ask him pleasantly to explain his actions.  If this rebuke is presented properly, one of two things will likely occur.  Either we will find out that he was justified in what he did, or he will admit his mistake, apologize and we will be able to forgive him. That being said, we must proceed with great caution, because a wrong word or tone may initiate a full-blown feud.  Sometimes it is best to approach the person through a letter or messenger and to seek rabbinical advice before proceeding. Sometimes, it is advisable to forgo the opportunity to give rebuke and instead work on uprooting the hatred by forgiving the person completely. Once we have informed him of the reason for our hatred and brought the issue out into the open, we are no longer liable for violating the mitzvah of lo sisna.  As the Chofetz Chaim states, “hatred in the heart is the most potent of all”.  (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story:  Having been divorced for several years, I was thrilled when a close friend introduced me to a warm, caring man.  He was recently divorced when we met and proposed shortly after our first date.  When we married, I willingly moved to his hometown.  I was excited about my marriage, making new friends, and living in a new community.  I did not realize, though, that I was walking into a personal minefield.  My husband’s married daughter somehow developed a hatred towards me.  She ignored my greetings and shunned my overtures at friendship. Since we lived in the same community, my husband’s daughter and I would see each other often.  Being a friendly person, when I first randomly bumped into her on the street, I wished her “Good Shabbos.”  She looked away and didn’t respond.  “That’s odd,” I thought.  “Not responding is one thing, but looking away? I know she doesn’t like me but this is downright rude!”  I was angry and replayed the incident in my mind a few times. I realized that I’m responsible for my own reactions and that I was judging her.  “Maybe she didn’t hear me so I’ll try again next time”, I thought to myself. A few months later, there was family bar mitzvah.  At the hall, I walked right by my husband’s daughter and wished her a “Mazel tov.”  Again, she turned away, not acknowledging the greeting.  This time I was sure she had heard me. “What’s going on here?  How could she not acknowledge a ‘mazel tov’?  Who wouldn’t want to hear as many “mazel tovs” as possible?  Why wouldn’t she respond to me?  What did I do to her?  Why would someone would ignore me?” I realized that something was off here and I felt sad.  Someone hated me enough to not acknowledge a heartfelt greeting.  I knew that her feelings and actions were her responsibility and tried to find a way to judge this situation favorably.  I couldn’t, at least in that moment. Eventually, I realized that I cannot befriend everyone or control another person’s actions.  As pleasant as I can be, there are people who may hate me because of something they are experiencing, and not because I’m not a likeable person.  While my husband tried to remedy the situation, I simply tried to distance myself from her while praying that she would overcome whatever was causing her pain about my presence. Several years later, there was one more time when we came in direct contact at another family occasion.  “What are you doing here?” she yelled.  “You don’t belong here.  You’ll embarrass the family!”  “Could we step outside and discuss this?” I asked quietly, hoping to diffuse the situation. “No!  Wehave no reason to go outside!  You do.  You need to leave.  Now!” she screamed. As I left, I pondered the situation. I had hoped that by responding with warmth and concern, there would be some positive interaction but, clearly, the hatred hadn’t gone away.  The only antidote was to pray for her good and to make a conscious choice to not become angry and resentful. Discussion Question Options: When people perceive they are hated, why does the victim often blame himself as opposed to realizing that the other person has personal issues? If you observed an altercation at a public event, what would you do? When you hate someone and feel justified in your hatred, how can you work on yourself to overcome this? Stretch of the Week: Find someone you may be angry with, or have ignored for some reason, and initiate greeting him positively.