Kavod/Respect

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Before rebuking someone for a misdeed, take time to remind yourself of the respect you have for this person and how you can help best. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #11 Kavod Humor It’s a wonderful midda to have a sense of humor.  We can bring so many people joy with our upbeat spirit and wit.  It is healthy for a person to find humor in life’s situations, and it is beneficial to relationships to be able to smooth things out with a good sense of humor.  Yet, we should never find humor at the expense of someone else. A Tanna mentioned in the gemara, Bar Kapara, possessed a fantastic sense of humor and was known for pulling off humorous antics (see Nedarim 51a).  Yet, we find him getting upset when one talmid laughed at another for making the wrong bracha first (Brachos 39a).  The lesson is clear:  There is nothing funny at someone else’s expense. We must train ourselves to develop a Torah-dik sense of humor.  We can actually see somebody slip on a banana peel and not find it funny.  We can be in a room filled with people laughing at someone and find it repulsive.  Of course there are innocent jokes, but we must be very careful with our words.  Very often, a seemingly innocent story or witty remark can violate serious transgressions of lashon hora, even when the subject of the story is not upset that it was said. If we are not sure whether a remark is appropriate, we should err on the side of caution, not humor.  This can be quite a nisayon when we have a really good punchline, but our reward in holding back will be quite worthwhile. In any situation we find ourselves in, we should look to provide encouragement and chizuk to others, and be ever so careful not to hurt their feelings.  We should utilize our sense of humor to cheer people up or simply to put a smile on their faces.  This is the greatest form of simcha available to us- to lift the hearts of others. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:(based on a true story) My oldest daughter Shira recently became a vegetarian.  During the week, I may be the only person who really notices because she eats later when she gets home from school, but on Shabboses and at Sunday night dinners, its front and center.  She has specific foods she makes for herself and turns down dishes she used to beg me to make not long ago. For some reason, my husband and next oldest daughter think this is hilarious.  Months after Shira’s announcement, Tammy will still respond to Shira’s passing the chicken platter on by saying, “Nothing with a face, right?”  My husband regularly follows up with something like, “I wonder if she’d eat a watch.  It has a face.”  They then might move on to whether vegetarians who eat fish would eat grasshoppers if we knew which were kosher, and asking Shira if she’s learned to love beans yet, since she always used to hate them and that’s got to make vegetarianism a weird choice.  Shira sometimes plays along and sometimes just ignores it all. After a Sunday night barbeque during which Shira ate grilled eggplant while her father and sister told her how grateful they are that at least she’s normal enough to eat eggs, Shira retired quietly to her room and didn’t come out for hours.  When I went in to check on her, she quickly shut her cell phone and turned her tear-stained face away from me.  With a little prodding, she opened up. “I said lashon hora about Daddy,” she said.  “I told Rachel what he said about not eating eggs being not normal.  I know I shouldn’t have, but he and Tammy get me so mad!” Rachel is Shira’s best friend, who has taken the vegetarian journey with her and who does not eat eggs or dairy.  I had a feeling that comment would hit Shira wrong, and had already spoken to Tammy and to my husband about it. “They’re always so mean!” she continued.  “Why does the way I eat have to be funny?  Why can’t I just do it, and not make any trouble for anyone?  Why can’t people see it as a good thing that I’m doing something I believe in, even if it’s hard?  And it’s so much harder not to eat the sesame beef when Tammy giggles and asks me if I’m sure I don’t want it.  It’s like they think it’s stupid and I’m stupid for doing it and so are my friends.” The truth is that I’ve been talking to Tammy about this for a few weeks already.  Her jokes tend to skew a bit mean.  My husband tends to stay more playful, and I figured that Shira should be able to take a little bit of playful ribbing, as many of us often do based on various choices we make.  It was clear now that Shira did not think any of this was funny or playful.  Any silly discussion stemming from her food choices hurt her deeply, even if there were no hurtful intentions at all. By the time Shabbos rolled around, we had made a change.  After I explained to Tammy more about how her comments were hurtful instead of just telling her not to make them, she asked me to help her stop.  By the end of the Friday night meal, my brief pointed looks across the table had helped her keep her mouth shut and earn her extra allowance. I had to shoot a few similar looks at my husband, but he didn’t need the reward–just the reminder.  He used his humor to bring the kids into a parsha discussion

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Before you say something funny, consider whether it may hurt anyone. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #12 Kavod Communication and Grudges “Do not hate your brother in your heart; give rebuke to your friend” (Vayikra 19:17).  The Rambam (Hilchos Da’os 6:6) understands that these two mitzvos are connected.  Do not hate your brother in your heart; rather, you should approach him and ask him why he did something to upset you.  This will afford him the opportunity to explain himself and/or ask forgiveness. Part of the responsibility is not only to effectively communicate, but to allow the other person to communicate, without getting angry at him for sharing his feelings.  If someone is afraid to share their feelings, he or she will be forced to bottle resentment. Often, we may be able to come up with a clever way of pointing out the issue without hurting the other person’s feelings.  We must always take the time to consider how we can approach the subject in the most delicate fashion before we freely express our complaints.  We cannot be lazy at the expense of someone else’s feelings. This is reminiscent of the following halacha (Ramabam, Hilchos Retzicha 1:13):  If one sees someone chasing another person to kill him, he is obligated to stop the pursuer, even if it means taking the pursuer’s life.  However, if he can stop him, i.e. he can shoot him in the leg, he is forbidden to kill him. Often we may feel, “Why should I have to tell the other person what he did wrong?  If he can’t figure it out himself, something is wrong.”  Such thoughts stem from immaturity and stubbornness.  One must yield to approach the subject, regardless of whether the other person should have come to it on his own.  It’s better to humble yourself and ask for what you want than to hold a grudge for not getting it. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) For months I had been planning to fly to my parents’ in New York with my husband and kids for the long Memorial Day weekend.  We were looking forward to some quality time with my parents, who we rarely see in person.  My parents planned a whole series of activities to maximize their time with their across-the-country grandchildren. We were waiting for our luggage in Kennedy Airport on Thursday night when my phone rang.  It was my sister Debra, welcoming me to the east coast where she lived as well, although she lived a two hour drive away from our parents.  Then she asked what time we thought we’d get to my parents.  I told her, and asked her why. “We thought we’d join you!” she said.  “We haven’t seen you in ages, and we thought it would be fun to see Mommy and Daddy when we’d all be together.  So we’re coming!” Too many thoughts ran through my head.  I knew that Debra and her family spent last Shabbos with my parents, but my mother had a policy never to refuse a child who wants to visit.  I knew we flew across the country specifically to maximize the time each of our children had with their grandparents, and that Debra knew this might be our only trip this year.  I knew that Debra had five kids, and that my parents had two bedrooms besides their own, which were supposed to go to me, my husband and the baby and to my other three kids. “Don’t worry about the beds,” Debra said, seemingly reading my mind.  “You and Daniel take one, and Judah and I will take the other.  And the kids can have a big sleepover on the basement floor!  It’ll be tight, but they’re cousins!”  I had no words, and so I said nothing.  She and her family were already twenty minutes away from my parents’ house and would be there when we arrived.  Nothing I said could change the situation, so I told her I would see her soon. The visit was a whirlwind of craziness.  None of my kids slept at all, because sharing a sleeping space with their cousins didn’t allow them to indulge their jetlag.  Many of the activities we had planned were cancelled because we were now too large a group.  And my kids felt left out with so many other people competing for their grandparents’ attention. By Saturday night I was a wreck, saying things I hope I never hear my children say at all, much less about their own siblings.  My husband suggested that I talk to my sister and explain why I was upset, so this wouldn’t happen again.  He also hoped it would help me not to feel so angry, which wasn’t good for me in and of itself.  But I couldn’t.  A person who could pull a move like this either didn’t care about my feelings or didn’t have a clue as to why there would be an issue and didn’t stop to think about it.  There was no point in my going to her; nothing would change. My husband suggested again a week later that I speak to her.  He conceded that in the moment I might have been too upset and it wasn’t the right time, but after a week I could clear the air.  I refused, and refused again a month later.  She needed to figure out what she did and come to me.  I stewed in my anger for five months, talking pretty words on the phone with her while feeling ugly ones, until my brother in New York made a bar mitzva.  I flew in on my own, and while the men were in shul Debra began talking about the “wonderful” weekend we’d had. Before I knew it, I exploded

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Discuss a concern you have with someone in a productive way, with extra planning toward being respectful. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #13 Kavod Honoring Parents – Kibbud Av Va’Eim The fact that honoring one’s parents is one of the Ten Commandments clearly testifies to the profound importance and severity of this mitzva.  Chazal tell us (Sota 49b) that in the days preceding Mashiach, “chutzpa will be rampant.  The young will shame the old…”  We understand this phenomenon too well.  Our children say things to us that we never would have dreamed of saying to our parents.  Yet we must look at ourselves and ask if we are treating our parents the way we should.  The higher the level we are on, the higher the level the next generation after us will be.  Our children certainly take notice of how we treat and talk about our parents. Our obligation of kibbud av va’eim extends beyond our birth parents.  We are obligated to honor our in-laws as well.  We have much reason to be grateful to them.  They brought our spouse into the world.  Another set of parents we are obligated to honor is step-parents.  The pasuk (verse) (Shemos 20:12) says, “Kabed es avicha v’es imecha-Honor your mother and father.”  Chazal (Kesubos 103a) expound that the first extra word “es” includes a stepfather, while the second includes a stepmother.  Kibbud av va’eim is not limited to the way we interact with our parents or how well we take care of them.  It’s about developing true respect for them.  How great are the words of the Chayei Adam (klal 67), who writes that the essence of the obligation of honoring one’s parents is in one’s heart.  This does not seem like an easy task.  Often, those who struggle the most to respect their parents are those who feel their parents aren’t good to them.  If they carry resentment towards their parents then they don’t respect them, despite their accomplishments.  How can we be expected to feel respect for our parents if we don’t think of them as outstanding individuals?  One excellent idea is that one should focus on his parents’ strongest midda.  For example, focus on your father’s honesty or your mother’s generosity.  Find something that each one excels at and focus on it. The Sefer HaChinuch (mitzva 33) writes that mitzva of kibbud av va’eim was given to inculcate in us the midda (attribute) of hakaras hatov, gratitude for the good done for us.  To paraphrase his poignant words:  “From the roots of this mitzva is that one should recognize and repay kindness to someone who does good for you, and not be a base person to deny the good…That a person should take to heart that his father and mother are the reason for his existence, and therefore it is fitting for him to do every honor and benefit for them possible.  Furthermore, they exerted so much effort into him in his youth.  When a person internalizes this character trait in his heart, he will come to recognize the good of HaShem (G-d), for He is the cause of his and all his forefathers’ existence.” (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I spent a lot of my life feeling disconnected from my father.  We had played games and laughed together through my early childhood, but starting from when I hit my teen years, I first decided he was embarrassing, and then I was convinced he was clueless and frivolous.  Then I resigned myself to knowing that he didn’t understand me but he was doing what he thought was best, and had lived a pretty cool life so far. Finally, in my adult years, I settled into a headspace in which my dad was full of life and happiness, truly dedicated to HaShem, and a great person who would do anything for me, but also had some habits and ways that I didn’t want to inherit or pass on. In theory, that sounds like a pretty typical way of thinking-you appreciate your parents for what and who they are, and choose the parts of them you want to perpetuate and those you want to leave to them.  In practice, I often let the things that bothered me overwhelm what should have been my unlimited respect and appreciation for his gifts and all he’d done for me. Dad told my kids jokes and stories I didn’t appreciate.  When the kids were still really little, I just brushed them off, but as they grew old enough to understand and repeat them, I grew resentful.  I regularly spoke to him as respectfully as I knew how and asked that he please not tell those jokes and stories with the kids around.  He always agreed to refrain but then forgot to stop himself until afterwards.  I was annoyed that I had to deal with this.  Who wants to be upset with their father for making his grandkids laugh? I was annoyed when whole Shabbos meals went by with no words of Torah because my kids were all busy having fun with my dad away from the table.  He also had table manners I had copied as a kid and spent years trying to refine afterwards.  I made the mistake of asking him to refrain from a few in my home, and he became offended and told me that everyone in my family needed to lighten up.  So I said nothing when I worked hard for an entire visit, the kids had said goodbye to their grandparents, and then my dad  decided he was enjoying himself so much that they would stay another day or two.  Inside I fumed. I got my father the special foods he liked.  I made sure his bed was comfortable.  I responded to his email forwards

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Overlook a negative act or trait in a parent or elder and focus on a positive one instead. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #14 Kavod Teaching Students – We Are All Teachers The mishna in Avos (4:12) tells us, “The honor of your student should be as dear to you as your own.” There are two basic reasons why kavod is imperative to students’ success.  First, since self-esteem is so critical and vital to one’s success in life, both spiritual and material, we have an obligation to give them kavod in order to help them achieve self-esteem. Rabbi Daniel Kalish once pointed out that the first mishna in Pirkai Avos says, “Stand up a lot of students.”  It does not say, “Teach a lot of students.”  Part and parcel of a teacher’s obligation and responsibility is to give his students confidence, and to stand them up into secure and confident b’nai Torah.  When a teacher believes in his student, the student will see himself through the eyes of his teacher and begin to believe in himself. Second, if teachers want their students to be motivated to learn from them, they need to treat them with kavod.  People only like those who treat them with respect.  A child is more likely to perform better for a teacher whom he likes.  Although teachers should not be constantly focused on winning their students’ favor, nonetheless they should certainly treat their students in a manner conducive toward generating a very positive relationship.  When dealing with students, Chazal (Sotah 47a) tell us, “One should always push away with the left and bring close with the right.” Rabbi Kalish often says that when he sees a class that gets along well, he credits it to the teacher.  A good teacher builds each of his students, and knows how to point out each one’s strengths.  When the other students see how their beloved teacher values and respects each student, they too begin to value and respect each other.  Furthermore, if a teacher treats all his students like his children, they automatically become united under their shared parent.  When they feel united as a family, they will treat each other with more kavod.  We naturally stand up for the honor of our family members and those closest to us. The same idea applies to parenting.  Parents who treat each and every one of their children with love and kavod are likely to have children who are close to one another.  They will have love and respect for one another following their parents’ lead.  They will not be jealous of each other because each one is secure with his special place.  They are united by their beloved leaders, their dear mother and father. We can take this idea one step further.  When we treat our fellow Jews with kavod, we are creating achdus, unity, among K’lal Yisrael.  What divides us is when we think and speak negatively of one another.  The second Bais HaMikdash (Temple) was destroyed and never rebuilt because of the hatred and negativity that exists between fellow Jews.  Through our efforts in spreading kavod and achdus, may we speedily merit the redemption in our days. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I still remember how that first moment felt.  I walked into our monthly women’s shiur (Torah class) and took my usual seat.  As I searched my purse for a pen, I felt someone sit down next to me, and looked up to say hello or to introduce myself.  And there she was:  It was Rachel. I hadn’t seen Rachel in almost ten years.  I met her while I was in graduate school; we had most of our classes together for two years and often had lunch and studied together.  She was about my age and Jewish as well, but only minimally connected to her Judaism, and had been fascinated by my being married with two kids by the age of twenty three.  Aside from school work, our talk often centered on our families and the way we celebrated holidays, and on my style of dress, my wig, and my kosher rules, which she saw as too confining for her but interesting.  Now here was Rachel, sitting next to me at my shiur, wearing an artfully tied colorful headscarf and a bohemian skirt and sweater and reaching into her handbag for a tanach (bible). After the shiur and a joyful hello hug, Rachel explained that she had become observant five years earlier and had just moved back to the US from Israel.  She had studied in an Israeli school for women returning to their roots and had eventually met her new husband, who had done the same.  I wanted to know how it had all started. “After grad school, I got a job in an Orthodox high school,” she told me.  “I worked there for a few years, and everyone was so nice to me.  I got the Purim baskets like the religious teachers, and the students explained the Hebrew words and the customs.  The principal was wonderful to me and I learned so much from her about Judaism and about my job.  And one of the teachers even taught me how to say brachos (blessings) over food when I asked about them.  I remembered that you used to say them too and have me answer “Amain”, so it wasn’t so scary.  I liked the gratitude of it.” I did remember Rachel being very into gratitude.  I had strengthened my own hakaras hatov (recognition of the good I received) through talking to her over the years; she was particularly amazing in her respect for her parents and grandparents.  She hadn’t seemed so interested in brachos at the time; it was more like she was humoring me.  But, I guess, something