Kavod/Respect

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Think of a friend who is going through a particularly challenging life situation.  Make an extra effort to reach out to him/her and do something specific to help. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #1 Kavod Respecting Others What is kavod?  Kavod is literally translated as honor.  Therefore, people automatically associate kavod with something negative since they are familiar with Chazal’s bidding to run away from honor.  However, in reality the concept of kavod encompasses so much more.  We are better off translating kavod as respect, because kavod is much more about the internal makings of a person than his social status.  We must have kavod for ourselves; we must have it for others. The world we live in is losing its sense of kavod more and more each day.  All barriers of respect and dignity have fallen by the wayside.  Not that long ago, it was commonplace for one to give up his seat on a train for someone older.  Now?  It is highly unusual to sight a witness.  Honoring one’s parents and grandparents?  Whom are you kidding? On the brighter side, this foretells that we are living in the times close to the arrival of Mashiach.  Chazal tell us (Sota 49b) that in the days preceding Mashiach chutzpa will be rampant; the young will shame the old; elders will get up for the children; a son will disgrace his father; a daughter will rebel against her mother… This decrease in outward kavod is indicative of a much bigger problem than the individual misdeeds being performed.  It is a symptom of a sickness which has far greater casualties than we may realize.  If we have lost respect for those around us, then we apparently have lost our own sense of self-respect.  If those around us are not important enough to be treated with dignity, how much greater can we perceive ourselves? We have lost the most precious and vital ingredient to our spiritual and physical survival:  kavod of self.  How much pride and kavod can one possible derive from his physical existence?  Dovid HaMelech says in Tehillim (30:13), “So that my soul (chavod) will sing to You and not be silent.”  Dovid refers to his soul as his chavod, his honor.  The greatest pride one can experience is in the elevation and success of his soul, for that is who he really is, a spiritual being. If only we begin to heighten our sense of kavod for ourselves and those around us, we will see incredible changes in our lives.  We will be able to accomplish so much more both for ourselves and others. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:(based on a true story) “Go to your room right now!  I can’t have you spilling anything else in here.” Sarah barked an “I hate when you say that!” at me and went scurrying up the stairs with teary eyes, but I couldn’t deal with that at the moment.  She had too much nervous energy for me to have her around while I cleaned up the bottle of orange juice she’d inevitably knocked over.  I knew she was sorry, but it happened too often.  It’s not like anyone bothered to respect me and treat me in a way that didn’t make me want to cry, right? Just last night my married son had called to tell me that he and his wife and baby would be coming the second days of Succos instead of the first as we’d arranged, because of a family birthday on my daughter-in-law’s side.  Not asked, but told, with less than a week’s notice.  As I mopped, I called my friend Elana, to kvetch. “I am so tired of this,” I told her as I shoved the mop across the floor.  “My kids don’t seem to care how what they do affects anyone else.  And neither does anyone else!  Every day I wait for fifteen minutes on the line for the highway exit ramp and just as I get near the front, four cars zoom in from the next lane and cut me off.  I’m the bad guy if I don’t let them in.  I get to work and it’s, ‘Where have you been?’, not a nicer, ‘How bad was your commute?’”  Rant finished, Elana and I sighed and settled on the conclusion that our lot in life was to get stepped on, and the goal was “to keep on trucking”. Upstairs, I heard Sarah sniffling and muttering in her room.  I began scolding myself for yelling at her and sending her away so I could talk to a friend while I wallowed in self-pity.  Why didn’t I take a deep breath and have her help clean up?  That would have actually taught her something without destroying her self-esteem.  I felt like such a rotten mother. The front door slammed, and I soon found my high-school aged daughter Miriam bent over the open fridge.  I heard the words “Hi Mom.  Where’s the OJ?” and I was out the door, with vague mumblings that I would buy some for her but she was in charge until I got back.  As I drove to the supermarket all I could think was, “At least she said ‘Hi’.” Ten minutes later I got to the checkout area with two bottles of orange juice and a new mop head in my basket.  All the lines were full, so I settled into my wait with another sigh when I heard a quiet, “Excuse me?” from the woman in front of me.  “If that’s all you have,” she said, “please go ahead of me.  You look like you’ve had a long day.”  I scooted around her overflowing cart gratefully, a vague positive feeling beginning to take shape inside my belly.  I put as much of it as possible into my “Thank you,” though I

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Speak to someone respectfully even if it is hard to do.  Then respect yourself for doing so. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #2 Kavod Healthy and Unhealthy Self-Respect Healthy self-respect is about understanding your true value and greatness.  Unhealthy self-respect is basing your self-worth on things that are false or improper.  Chazal say “Truth endures, falsehood does not” (Shabbos 104a).  When one’s self-respect is based on the truth, it will withstand the daily challenges of life; when it is based on falsehood, it will not endure. Our quest for self-respect will be achieved through knowing who we really are.  Lack of self-respect is often confused with humility.  Humility is not about being blind to one’s greatness; it’s about completely crediting this greatness to the One Above.  Self-respect is a pre-requisite for humility.  Only when one has proper self-respect will he be secure enough not to need the honor and respect of others.  Each and every one of us has so much to be proud of.  When we internalize the truth, we will have an abundance of kavod both for ourselves and for others. There are two distinct types of kavod.  One type is external kavod, which comes from outside a person.  The second type, internal kavod, comes from within a person.  External kavod, such as receiving honor and publicity, is the type of kavod Chazal warned us to run away from.  Most of us have a strong innate desire for this honor and respect from others.  We feel that if others bestow on us an abundance of honor, this is testimony to our greatness. This false perception ensures man’s failure, whether he achieves the honor he desires or not.  If one fails and does not attain a desirable social status, he will feel unimportant, even if this person is a truly elevated individual who toils in Torah and mitzvos, which will certainly impair his growth in avodas HaShem.  If one does achieve an elevated social standing, he is perhaps in even greater danger.  He values himself based on his status rather than for what he truly is, which will prompt him to overlook his shortcomings, without ever feeling the need to improve. “Man was created to toil” (Iyov 5:7).  Our effort, our dedication and commitment are what truly count.  We must look above all to find favor in the eyes of HaShem, and learn to develop our kavod from within.  The more internal kavod we feel, the less external kavod we will need.  When we perform an act of kindness without any recognition, we can actually derive more kavod than we would from the superficial honor of others, since we know that we are acting in an elevated manner. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I loved high school and college.  I loved being on student council and in choir and play.  I would spend months on an event or practicing for a production, and then when it was over we would get a huge round of applause.  I loved the reputation I had for being great at all things organizing and performing; it became my identity, and both faculty and students would come to me when they needed someone to make something happen.  Even the academics part was OK.  My grades told me when I had to work harder and when I should be proud of myself.  Overall I felt really accomplished and confident, so I constantly reached out to do more. Yesterday I read a board book to my two year old daughter Shayna.  She giggled, said a few phrases and pointed to a couple of things when I asked her to.  I finished, and she said, “Again”, so I read it again, and again.  I was so bored and sometimes frustrated with my life.  Just two years after I graduated college, my husband finished grad school and got a good position with health insurance so we decided I would stay home.  I really wanted to be home to spend more time with my baby.  Now I had a preschooler, a toddler and an eight month old baby and I spent my days doing laundry, feeding the kids, cleaning up after the kids, reading board books, stacking blocks, and attempting to put dinner on the table. I didn’t recognize my busy, confident self when I look through my old yearbooks.  My friends were taking the world by storm at their jobs and moving into recognized positions.  Even those who are staying home seemed to be organizing groups and hosting shiurim and volunteering at schools, which I couldn’t find time or energy for within my family’s schedule.  I felt inadequate–my name was on no newsletters or parlor meeting invitations or faculty lists that catalogued the work of people extending themselves for others.  I was home, reading board books in my junk skirt from seminary. One day I was looking through my old notebooks for an answer to a halacha question and I found my notes on Rebbetzin Feitman’s “Dignity of Jewish Mother” classes.  It had seemed so simple at the time.  Of course one of the most important things in the world was sitting with a child and loving him and building his every little skill while and doing your best to keep your home happy and nurturing. On paper and in that classroom it looked great but I didn’t remember talking about how to trudge through every day when nobody is saying, “Good job!” when you teach your kid what red is or celebrating your ability to get your baby to eat a new vegetable or managing to make dinner by seven. And then I flipped the page, and there it was in the next class’s notes.  Brush your hair every day even when you don’t go out, and

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Recognize a gift that you have to give to others, and thank HaShem for giving you that ability. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #3 Kavod Arrogance Self-respect is vital to a person’s growth, while arrogance is wrong and distasteful.  Very often, the two are confused.  What is the underlying difference between the two?  A person with self-respect takes pride in knowing his own value and worth, while the arrogant person takes pride only in the feeling that he is better than anyone else.  The arrogant person is living with sheker, because his thought process runs contrary to the Torah; HaShem does not want us to be haughty.  HaShem does not measure us by our friends’ performances.  In addition, his belief that he is better than everyone else is not true.  What makes him better?  If he possesses a higher IQ, he is not a better person because of his God-given intelligence.  And, if he deems himself more righteous than those around him, he is clearly lacking the most basic qualities needed for righteousness, which is humility. Let us think how an arrogant person would honestly answer these four questions: 1)   Are you able to admit your faults? 2)   Are you comfortable asking advice or seeking help from someone younger than yourself? 3)   Are you able to praise the virtues of others? 4)   Do you take criticism well? The arrogant person will most likely answer these questions in the negative.  Why does he struggle with these issues?  The answer is that deep down he is lacking in self-respect.  How can he be convinced that he is superior to all his peers?  He must exaggerate his strengths and deny his shortcomings, and put down others in order to keep himself on top.  He is like a hot air balloon, with little substance or reality behind his inflated ego.  With the poke of a needle, he is deflated.  He does not derive his self-worth from understanding the greatness of a Jew or other healthy places.  His feelings are not connected to his avodas HaShem.  He haughtily takes credit for himself, disconnected from any spiritual purpose. Someone who struggles with his self-esteem will struggle to answer in the affirmative to the four questions as well.  It is very hard for him to swallow the success of others, for this further opens his painful wound of insecurity.  Can we consider this person humble?  Humility is about leading a life that solely revolves around service of HaShem, without any interest in self-gratification. Only when one has proper self-respect will he be secure enough not to need the honor and respect of others.  One who does not feel his sense of kavod thinks, “What is the difference how I behave?  What am I worth anyway?”  Dovid HaMelech motivated himself each morning by saying, “Awake, my soul (ch’vodi), awake” (Tehillim 57:9).  The body wants to rest; the neshama wants to get up and accomplish. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I walked quietly into my morning meeting with mixed feelings.  Today was our first meeting with the new head of the marketing department.  On the one hand, I had some ideas I wanted to suggest that I hoped Ms. Safier would like.  On the other hand, I’d been with the company for almost twenty years with the same boss.  Who knows what changes were about to come? Ms. Safier looked about as old as my newly married daughter, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Even if she was still very young, she could have amassed a lot of knowledge in that time.  If she had been hired by my company, she had to be good at what she did and on our wavelength, right?  Within the first ten minutes she had already asked for all staff members to feel free to submit ideas and proposals to her, and I began to feel encouraged and positive. By the end of the week, my proposal for a new strategy for one of our larger accounts was in her inbox.  She thanked me for stepping up and told me she would give the proposal full consideration.  Talk around the office told me that others had proposed ideas as well.  I encouraged all of the others, confident that my idea would be put into practice soon.  It had been developed based on my many years’ experience in the agency. The next week’s meeting was an eye opener.  Leah, a former intern who I had supervised last year who had just officially joined the company, was praised for her innovative approach to marketing the same account I had addressed, and a new plan was being formed.  I was to co-chair a task group with her, combining my experience and her innovation to help develop the new campaign. I have always prided myself as being a friendly, helpful person in the workplace, and I felt I had been a good supervisor to Leah.  That day, I was not that person.  I begged off on starting right away by pleading the need to complete other work with a deadline, and told her I would check if I could fit her in tomorrow but it might not work.  The disappointment on her face was clear, but I could not handle working on this project right then. I was upset that Ms. Safier had chosen a new intern’s ideas over mine and then made me work on it.  I knew it seemed petty, but it was still true.  I felt like there were only two ways to look at the situation:  either Ms. Safier had picked the wrong idea and I had a boss who wasn’t good at her job, or she had picked the right one, and I wasn’t good enough at mine.  After twenty years of hard work,

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Accept feedback or new ideas from another person as an opportunity to grow instead of viewing it as unwanted criticism. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #4 Kavod Compliments “Who is an honorable person?  One who honors others” (Pirkai Avos 4:1).  One’s willingness and ability to honor others reflects his inner sense of self-kavod.  When one is insecure, it is most difficult for him to validate others.  Through working on acquiring self-kavod, we will be able to have the strength to honor others.  However, we must know that the reverse is also true.  If we push ourselves to honor and praise others, we will begin to feel more self-kavod. “External actions inspire and arouse internal reaction” (based on Mesilas Yesharim Chapter 7).  A person’s thoughts and emotions pull along his actions, and the reverse effect is true as well.  When we act one way, even if we don’t feel that way now, we actually begin to feel that way.  Therefore, when we act in the honorable fashion of praising others, we become more honorable on the inside.  Furthermore, there is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and greatness in giving someone else encouragement and good feelings.  We are utilizing our lives to enhance the lives of others, which is part of man’s primary role in life. One of Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum’s students once asked him: “If man’s role is to help others, how then could our Sages tell us that one is obligated to say, ‘the world was created for me’?  He answered simply:  “The world was created for me–in order to provide me the opportunity to help others.” One of the greatest gifts we can give or receive is a compliment.  Compliments validate others and infuse life into people.  We all want to feel noticed and appreciated, and a person needs to feel his presence makes an impact.  Compliments should be honest and personalized.  Indirect compliments are often powerful.  When we seek someone’s advice or counsel, we are demonstrating our regard for his opinion.  When we ask for a recipe, we reflect true appreciation for someone’s food. We must learn to appreciate and understand a compliment’s significance and impact.  Much more important than making a person temporarily feel good, it is the key to his discovery of gifts and talents hidden within him.  Anyone who has put his talent to good use is forever indebted to all those who have pointed out his abilities along the way.  If a famous public speaker stopped receiving positive feedback and wasn’t hired for speaking engagements, wouldn’t he be forced to assume he has lost his touch?  For this reason, we should always be generous with our compliments, even to someone who already has a lot going for him. Parenthetically, it is not proper to openly reject another person’s compliment.  If he put himself out to try to give you encouragement, don’t shove it back in his face.  It is only appropriate to smile and say “thank you” as you would if someone gave you a gift. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) There was a woman in my weekly class who thought she didn’t know anything.  We’d both been going for years, and I’d seen Karen listen closely and take careful notes, drawing in every word.  Like the rest of us, she sometimes asked questions.  Unlike the rest of us, hers usually started with a self-denigrating “This is probably a stupid question…” or “This may be obvious to everyone else…”  Our teacher responded with, “That’s actually a really good question” and the like, but it continued.  Karen had a late-start Judaic studies background and always seemed to feel that she was catching up and therefore very limited. It bothered me a lot that this amazing seeker didn’t see the beauty of her questions the way I did.  I was involved with an outreach organization when I was a teenager, and the questions that the girls around me would ask were about amazingly deep issues I had never given much thought to.  As I listened to the teachers give these girls their answers, I also gained.  I gained the answers, and I gained the confidence to ask any question to the right person, because “lo ha’by’shan lo’maid”, the embarrassed person doesn’t learn.  You need to ask to get the answer that will propel you on, and the act of asking itself means you are smart enough to try to find out what you don’t know and to delve deeper into Torah. Karen had figured out how to ask the questions; she asked enough through the years to find the beauty and strength in Judaism and to raise five wonderful kids within the Jewish community, planning and coordinating various synagogue events along the way and constantly trying to increase her knowledge of all things Torah.  But somehow, she still felt inferior.  I had to do something to help her, but what?  How do you get at someone’s core of confidence? I figured the truth would work.  One of my best friends in high school was a girl from the outreach group I was involved with.  She was slowly strengthening her observance of Shabbos as our friendship developed, and I regularly told her how much she inspired me to work on myself, and she would say the same to me, each in our own way.  Together, we grew and grew, because the more we each encouraged growth in the other, the more we valued it in ourselves.  Maybe Karen needed some of the same.  Didn’t she inspire me as well? The next time Karen leaned over and quietly asked me a question during a discussion at our class, I truthfully told her that I thought it was a really good question and I also wanted to know the answer. 

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Notice a strength in someone and compliment them on it. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #5 Kavod Accepting Unwanted Honor Although a person should run away from honor, he should be careful that his escape from honor does not have negative repercussions.  Imagine if our gedolim would refuse to lead us because they didn’t want to receive any honor.  The Chazon Ish, in his incredible humility, spent decades learning in virtual incognito.  However, when his greatness was discovered and he was asked to assume a position of leadership, he could not refuse for the sake of K’lal Yisrael, the nation of Israel. Performing a mitzva that may bring us honor is certainly not considered an act of chasing honor, for this is not one’s intention.  If we have the opportunity to make someone else feel good, we should not shy away for fear of receiving honor.  If making a siyum will inspire others to learn, then we are encouraged to do so.  No one should lose out because we are working on our middos, on improving our character traits.  We have ample opportunities to run away from honor when the honor contains no mitzva. Even if deep down we know that we are only doing the mitzva because of the incentive of the honor, we should still not refrain from doing it.  Chazal, our Sages, tell us (Pesachim 50b) that a person should always learn Torah and perform mitzvos even shelo lishma, with ulterior motives, because ultimately he will come to perform them lishma, for the pure motive of serving HaShem.  “Anyone who chases greatness, greatness will run away from him” (Eiruvin 13b).  On the other hand, Chazal tell us that “Anyone who runs from greatness, greatness will chase after him” (Eiruvin 13b).  Chazal commanded a person to run away from honor, for the chase of honor will hurt him and his avodas HaShem, serving G-d.  However, HaShem knows the weakness of man.  The Alter of Slabodka remarked, “If all of a person’s kavod would be stripped from him, he would cease to live.” Honor for a person is like gas for a car.  It gives him the energy to continue his work.  It is incredibly valuable as a means but not as a goal.  Therefore, HaShem promised the one who runs away from honor that he will be rewarded with honor that will be far more valuable than the fleeting and insignificant honor people are chasing.  People will treat him with respect because he is an upstanding individual who actually deserves respect. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) When I was in college, I lived in a wonderful dorm room in which each of us fell into a role.  I was the limudei kodesh (Jewish studies) learner and teacher, Cheryl was the politically active powerhouse, Hanna was heavily involved with scientific research and publishing, and Sharon did chessed non-stop, mostly behind the scenes. After graduation we each moved on to different paths in our lives.  Hanna continued her research, I got a teaching job at a local school, Cheryl went to law school, and Sharon became a speech therapist.  Five years into her marriage, she moved to a small town a couple hours away from the rest of us and stopped working to stay home with her kids. Within a few months, I began hearing from Sharon that while there was much chessed going on in her town and she had volunteered to help with several projects, there was very little learning.  The Rabbi gave a women’s shiur (lecture) on Shabbos that was accessible to all the women in her varied community, but there were many women who really needed more and nothing was happening. Hanna, Cheryl and I all suggested that Sharon try to organize some learning.  After all, it would be a chessed to the community.  She began work and found a lot of interest in a weekly source-based shiur, but nobody to teach the actual class.  Many suggested that Sharon teach, but she was reluctant. “Who am I to teach them?” she asked me.  “I’m not above them in my level.  I don’t know any more than they do, nor do I have teacher training.  And, I don’t want people looking at me like they will; my community is so small that by giving this class I’ll become the ‘women’s teacher’.” Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, wasn’t far away, and as the month of Elul progressed, more women approached Sharon to find out if the class was happening.  Sharon and I discussed the saying of Chazal:  “In a place where there is no man (to lead), you should be a man.  When there is someone else (who is equal to you), you should not be the man” (Brachos 63a).  It was a wonderful instinct for her to decline to give the shiur if there were others who could and would do just as well, but nobody was stepping up.  That left Sharon as the only woman standing, and we both knew that she was capable if she tried. Sharon finally agreed to give a one-shot in depth shiur on teshuva, repentance.  After weeks of preparing, the shiur went beautifully.  All the women could sense her sincerity as they worked through the topic together.  Positive feedback lead to the creation of a four part series on the Avos and Imahos (forefathers and mothers) which eventually became a weekly parsha (Torah portion read on Shabbos) shiur. By the end of the year, Sharon had become what she had been trying to avoid:  well-known.  She still wasn’t fully comfortable with it, but she realized that by giving herself over in this way, many women in the community were gathering together to learn in a way that they otherwise would not.  Many spoke of being inspired to grow

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Identify an area where your particular efforts are needed, and then act on it. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #6 Kavod Internalizing Kavod Before we discuss how we should act toward others, we must first discuss how we should think of them.  It is not sufficient to merely show respect on the outside; we must truly feel that level of respect from within.  We can learn this lesson from the incredible words of the Chayai Adam regarding the mitzva of kibbud av va’aim , honoring your father and mother (k’lal 67).  He writes that the essence of the obligation of honoring one’s parents lies in one’s heart.  HaShem does not want us to merely put on a good show; He wants us to truly be people who think and feel in the elevated way of the Torah. On a practical level, when someone doles out kavod superficially, it can be discerned by the recipients.  Furthermore, every interaction we have with another person hinges on our attitude towards him.  It’s impossible that one who simply acts like he has respect will properly fulfill his obligation of kavod.  He will invariably slight others all the time without ever realizing it. Certainly, the more self-kavod we have, the more we can respect others.  If we are small and insignificant, then those around us can’t be that much greater.  If, however, we realize how so very important we are as Jews charged with a sacred mission, then we know how important the others around us are as well.  Each Jew is beloved by HaShem, despite any shortcomings he may have because of his tzelem Elokim, he was created in HaShem’s image.  This alone is more than worthy of respect. The Rambam writes that we should talk to others softly, with sweet and appeasing words.  Even if we have a worthwhile disagreement, we must be extremely careful to talk respectfully.  Imagine if this person was someone of great stature in the eyes of others, such as a famous Torah scholar or a governor.  Would you still raise your voice at him?  Whoever you are talking to is of great stature in the eyes of HaShem. How we talk to someone clearly conveys to him how we must respect him as a person.  We don’t talk to someone we admire in the same way we talk to someone we look down upon:  even our tone of voice is different. Often, we may be rude and disrespectful without even realizing.  For example, interrupting someone in mid-sentence shows that we do not value or have interest in what he has to say.  Rav Moshe Don Kestenbaum finds it touching when someone calls to speak to him and instead of immediately lapsing into conversation, he first asks, “Is now a good time for you?”  This shows we are in touch with and respect his needs. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) My shopping cart was full as I turned the last corner to the checkout aisles.  I was talking to my mom on my cell phone as I shopped, and as I started emptying my cart I murmured a quick hello to the man checking out my groceries and went back to my conversation.  My mother heard me and asked me what was up, and when I told her, I got an earful. “Get off the phone!” she commanded me.  “You can call me back later.  There’s a human being on the other side of that checkout counter and you’re treating him like furniture.” I shut the phone and continued loading my groceries onto the belt, and I looked around.  Out of six aisles, four of the people checking out were on the phone.  The cashiers didn’t really seem to mind.  They just scanned the groceries and the baggers packed them.  This was today’s world, right?  I would be getting off the phone from now on because my mother told me to, but I kind of resented it. Later that week when I drove my regular afternoon carpool, I dropped off my friend Deborah’s son at their house as usual.  Deborah always came out to the car to greet her son and walk him in, and even though I only got to see her for a minute, sometimes it was the only time I saw her all week and she was the only adult I saw until my husband came home later that night.  We usually exchanged a quick “Hi!  How crazy was your day today?  Mine too.” That day, Deborah came to the car to get her son with her head hunched to the side, her phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder.  She waved to me quickly, smiled at her son and took his hand, and continued what sounded like an attempt to reach a doctor as they walked away. I went home feeling empty.  It seemed stupid; I had no idea that it was so important to me to exchange those few words with her and have that human contact, that genuine inquiry into how I was doing.  Because I knew Deborah, I knew that this call must have been a big deal or she wouldn’t have stayed on the phone.  She always went out of her way to greet and talk to others, she was the only mother who came out to meet her child at carpool, and she said hi to everyone else in the car.  I even got a phone call from her later that night apologizing for being on the phone when she came out earlier. I wondered what it must be like to have people walking by you with their carts every day, all day, giving just a half-hearted ‘hello’.  What’s it like when the only interaction is telling them “That’ll be $54.50” and

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Think about and interact with someone you see regularly but don’t usually acknowledge. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #7 Kavod The Torah (Vayikra 19:18) obligate us:  “You should love your friend like yourself.”  The question begs to be asked:  How can the Torah expect us to reach such a high level? When we think about loving someone else, we tend to think of someone who is extremely fond of another person’s personality.  This is not the true ahava the Torah is talking about.  The Kotzker Rebbe teaches us that love for someone is not measured in terms of what we gain from him, but rather how much we care about him.  The more we care about him, the more we are willing to give. The perfect example of this love is the love a parent has for his child.  One might not be too crazy over his child’s personality, but he nonetheless loves his child with an intense love.  Usually, because of that love, the parent tends to find the good in his child’s personality, but that is certainly not the source of this love. Now we can understand the expectation of loving your neighbor like yourself.  True, we may not find everyone’s personality all that charming or compatible with our own, but we can still be expected to worry and care about their well-being.  Even if we don’t naturally have these feelings of concern for others, we can choose to care. “All Jews are responsible for one another” (Shavuos 39a).  If we feel this responsibility for others, we automatically will begin to care about them.  We can all work toward this kind of love, which will ultimately bring us to like others’ personalities as well.  When a person takes someone under his wing, he feels closer to him and therefore sees him in a better light.  He is considered like a brother, for the Jewish people are one big family. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) The Feldman’s Shabbos table was always a great place to be.  I found myself there often as a single, observant young professional living in a town without any of my family.  They always made me feel at home. One Shabbos, I found myself seated next to Leah, the oldest daughter of the family.  She was just back from her seminary year and was looking for a fulfilling job in the mornings while she attended school at night.  I had a couple of ideas for her, and after I extended a general offer we began talking about where each of us had gone to school and where I was from. Quickly, though, I noticed that she shut down on me.  I found that every time I tried to start a conversation with her about any topic, she answered me in one or two word phrases and then turned herself to a conversation elsewhere.  Eventually I gave up and turned to talk to my favorite buddy, Yudi Feldman, age 7.  If Leah didn’t want the help of the only person at the table who was even close to her age and stage, or even to speak to me, that was her issue. Three weeks later, I got a call from Mrs. Feldman.  Leah had not found a job and remembered that I had offered to call a friend of mine at a local office for her.  Leah wanted to speak to me about it and had asked for my phone number or email. I was very surprised to hear that Leah was interested in anything I had to say or offer.  Mrs. Feldman heard my silence and told me she had noticed that Leah had been pretty cold to me at the meal.  She had been surprised, since from what she knew Leah and I actually had a lot in common in terms of interests and career goals, but figured Leah must not have been feeling well.  I agreed to help her out. Leah called and we spoke for a bit about what she was looking for.  Before agreeing to make the call for her, I decided to gently ask about that Shabbos meal and why she changed her mind about accepting my help.  She answered hesitatingly. “It was clear that we were really different people,” she said.  “I could just tell that we are in different circles based on where we went to school and how we dress, and I thought that your ideas might not be right for me.  But then, when I didn’t find anything, I thought I might as well try to check out your suggestions on my own.” I knew in that instant that I would not be calling my friend for Leah.  Not only had she discarded anything I might have to say based on what I wore and where I went to school, but she had stopped talking to me altogether.  I didn’t expect her to automatically accept everything I had to say.  Everyone has their own preferences and needs, both religiously and personality-wise, and it was fine with me if none of my ideas worked for her.  But if she didn’t want to pursue any of my leads, she could still have been polite. Even better would be to open herself up to see who I was and what strengths I might have, to include me in the conversations she had with others, to treat me as a full-fledged person who deserved to be treated respectfully.  There are few things that feel worse than being disregarded and ignored. I could not recommend someone who judged and behaved like that to work in my friend’s office.  I spent a minute deciding whether I wanted to help her at all or even talk to her again, so I decided to tell her

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Make an effort to talk pleasantly with someone you might not think you’d enjoy talking to. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #8 Kavod Respecting Children and Building Their Self-respect Our obligation to treat others with kavod is not limited to adults; it applies to children as well. Every child is a tzelem Elokim, created in God’s image, and a child of Hashem.  Some people are not in touch with the feelings of children. They will approach a three-year-old who doesn’t know them and expect an instant positive response. A child is a real person with real feelings. A person with respect and understanding of children’s feelings will approach cautiously from a distance and allow the child his space until he or she is ready to warm up.  You can learn a lot about one’s middos by watching how he interacts with children. A person with good middos possesses deep respect and love for mankind.  Furthermore, he is able to see things from the other person’s perspective.  He is able to understand another’s thought process, even when it differs from his own. These qualities enable this person to communicate effectively with children.  When we make a child feel good about himself, when we make a child happy and put a smile on his precious little face, we are doing just as big a mitzvah, if not bigger, as when we do the same for an adult. A person forms his initial self-image in his years of childhood. It’s a lot easier to build a positive image from the get-go than to have to repair a damaged self-image. Besides doing for our own children, we should take advantage of every opportunity to help other people’s children, our youngest members and future of klal yisrael.  There is a remarkable Chazal (Bava Metzia 87a) which explains that the reason the malachim asked Avraham Avinu, “Where is Sarah your wife?” was to endear Sarah to her husband. Here was arguably the greatest couple that ever lived and yet, the malachim still concerned themselves with looking to further elevate Sarah in Avraham’s eyes.  If the malachim deemed it worthwhile to point out Sarah’s qualities to Avraham, how much more so is it incumbent upon us to do the same for our family and friends?  Likewise, we should always look to praise children to their parents. Whose heart does not swell with pride when he hears his child being praised? As a rebbi of mesivta-age bachurim writes, “I more readily jump to call parents with a nachas report than with a negative report.  The nachas report comes back to the bachur, which undoubtable further encourages his growth.”  (Based on a true story) I ran across the house the grab the phone while trying not to drop the baby.  I got it on the fourth ring and heard, “Hi, it’s Morah Greenberg. Nothing’s wrong.”  I love when teachers do that.  It cuts your panic down just as it’s starting to rise up.  I quickly found that this was a nachas call for my eight-year-old.  Apparently, Shifra had volunteered to help clean up after a messy class art project and had done a beautiful job.  Morah Greenberg had decided to call me as soon as she got home from her morning at school so she wouldn’t forget.  I was grateful, and looked forward to greeting my cheerful helper girl when she came home later in the afternoon, but I found a very different child when she walked in the door.  “What can I eat? I want a Shabbos cupcake,” Shifra grunted as she tossed her backpack on the living room floor and plunked herself down at the kitchen table with a scowl. Clearly something was wrong. Was it the bus? One of her friends?  When I asked, all she said was, “School is stupid. I’m hungry.”  It all became clear when we took out her homework. Her afternoon teacher Mrs. Feldman had sent home a note saying that Shifra had been caught talking in class for the third time, which warranted a note home and an extra assignment.  “I’m not doing it,” Shifra said, as I tried to figure out how my by-the-rules daughter had gotten into this situation. She made quick work of her morning homework, refused to do any of her afternoon work, and stomped off. She remained surly all evening, so I waited until later that night at bedtime, and gently asked Shifra who she had been talking to. She burst into tears.  “Nobody!” she sobbed. “Only Layla, because she keeps talking to me and I keep telling her to stop! And then Mrs. Feldman says we’re both talking. And today she took us to the back of the class to tell us she was telling our parents and she talked so loud!”  My poor kid.  No wonder she wouldn’t do any of the work Mrs. Feldman had assigned, much less the extra work.  She no longer trusted her. Further prodding revealed that Shifra had twice tried to tell her teacher what was happening, but her explanation had been brushed aside the first time and the second time all she had said was “But…” before a stern look cut her off.  By the next evening I was speaking with Mrs. Feldman. I explained what Shifra had told me, and asked for her own point of view. Mrs. Feldman paused briefly and then said, “That may be true. I believe she tried to tell me that.” She paused for a minute, and then continued. “Either way, even if she was spoken to, she shouldn’t have talked back. And she certainly shouldn’t have contradicted me where the whole class could hear her; she could come ask me about it at recess. ”  Mrs. Feldman didn’t seem to be aware that she had scolded Shifra where the whole class could hear her, and that Shifra may not have remembered in that moment of

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Before you respond to something a child does, think about their perspective and what your goal is in speaking to them. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD  Lesson #9 Kavod Criticism Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Words are far more damaging than physical pain.  While compliments enable a person to feel happy with himself, insults do the exact opposite.  They cut through a person’s heart and soul, causing untold damage to his emotional well-being. Most of us will not physically attack another person out of anger.  We wouldn’t hit someone else simply because he upset us.  When it comes to words, though, it’s a different story altogether.  We can be pretty quick to lash into the person.  People don’t stop to contemplate the great pain they are inflicting on someone else with their sharp words.  If only they could see the blood dripping from their victim’s body, they would think twice before they opened their mouths. A great person once remarked that we have to be more careful with what comes out of our mouths than what goes into our mouths.  We must take great caution not to hurt another person’s feelings, to avoid causing even an indirect slight to his honor.  Chazal, our Sages, (Bava Metzia 58b) tell us that hurting someone with words is worse than cheating him financially. It really hurts to be criticized.  Therefore, we must think twice before we offer any criticism.  If we are unsure whether we ought to say something, we are safer keeping quiet.  Constructive criticism has a place, but one must know when and how to deliver it.  We especially have to be wary of criticism when it touches upon something the other person takes much pride in.  Such criticism attacks the core of the person’s self-respect, causing untold pain and damage.  His entire world is, in essence, pulled out from under his feet. For example, when someone comes over to you to share an insight in Torah, he is probably not seeking your opinion as much as he is looking for your respect.  A quick dismissal of his thoughts is robbing him of this opportunity.  If you have a question for him, wait a little.  First, try to sincerely appreciate his thought, and only afterwards gently ask your question. In a similar vein, we must be vigilant to avoid embarrassing someone else.  Chazal (Bava Metzia 58b) tell us that embarrassing a friend in public is tantamount to killing him.  The Maharal says that when one gives respect to his friend, he is giving him life.  We can imply from this that stripping someone of his honor is stripping him of life.  Embarrassment stems from loss of respect, so by embarrassing someone we have truly taken away his life. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I sat comfortably at my parents’ Shabbos (Sabbath) table, my husband and children and my parents and brothers completing the picture.  Earlier in the week, my oldest brother had come in to visit after completing his thesis on educational psychology, and occupied a proud place to my father’s left. We have always been a family full of discussions and debates, and our Shabbos Torah discussions were no different.  We all offered ideas that were praised, thoroughly dissected and refined.  Immediately afterward, my father turned to his left, and, beaming with pride, dramatically said, “Now, I’d like to hear from Josh, our future graduate.  Tell us about your work.”  Josh ducked his head a bit at the praise and began to give us a general summary of his work and results regarding the positives of tracking classes by learning level within middle school, and the plan he was helping to set up in the school where he worked.  I found it fascinating, and listened carefully, enjoying both the subject and the light of excitement in Josh’s eyes as he spoke. “So interesting and well-planned,” I said when Josh had finished, “but here’s the thing I don’t get.  How does this address the kids who aren’t obviously studious but would get pulled up by those around them when they’re in the same class?  Don’t they get sacrificed in this system?” Josh paused, and then gave me a carefully thought out answer.  I was about to ask further questions when I looked closer and saw that the light had gone out of his eyes.  My mother asked a follow up question that bolstered the ideas he had been working on, but the excitement level had clearly gone down. As I helped clear the main course, I realized what I had done.  I had asked a valid question, one that Josh had probably had to answer both in the development of his plans and while defending his thesis.  But Josh had not told us about his work to be questioned on it; he had done so to make his parents proud, and to show us what he had been working so hard on for all these years. But instead of letting that moment happen, I had caused the first response to his explanation to be critical.  The question might have worked had I appreciated his ideas at the table and then asked it respectfully later that night or the next day.  I also could have left it for another weekend.  After all, it’s not like I needed the answer right now. Yes, I had said it was interesting and well-planned, but I had committed the error of using the word “but”.  As my parenting class teacher always said, “It’s not a compliment if you use the word ‘but’.  You don’t say, ‘Good job cleaning up, sweetie, but you missed that corner’.  You say ‘Good job cleaning the

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Think about whether what you have to say will be felt as criticism, and if it needs to be said.  Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson # 10 KavodMussar Although criticism must generally be avoided, there is a time when we are in fact obligated to point out someone else’s shortcomings.  The Torah (Vayikra 19:17) commands us, “You shall give rebuke to your friend.”  However, even then, we are obligated to give mussar in the nicest way possible.  There are two reasons why it is hard for a person to hear mussar.  Firstly, a person needs to feel good about himself.  He struggles to confront his imperfections.  Secondly, he desperately wants the respect of others.  He wants to be seen as perfect, or at least a near perfect person.  After telling us the mitzva of tochacha, the Torah concludes, “And one should not place the sin upon him.”  These words were once explained as follows:  One should not make the sin heavy upon him, placing the full weight of his actions upon him.  One shouldn’t say, “How could you have done such a terrible thing?”  Rather, one should gently bring up the wrongdoing and allow the person to realize on his own the severity of his action.  In this way, he won’t feel that you think less of him. In addition, we shouldn’t make the other person feel that his mistake has been consuming our mind.  Rabbi Daniel Kalish and many Gedolim, greats of earlier generations, bring out this idea beautifully from pesukim in Parshas Vayatzei.  When Yaakov Avinu meets the shepherds idling around the well, he first engages them in friendly conversation:  “My brothers, where are you from…?”  Only afterwards does he reprimand them for not working:  “There is still much time left in the day to work…” When the first thing we tell someone is words of criticism, he is likely to feel that this is what we’ve been thinking about, how we perceive him.  However, if we are in the middle of talking about something else and say, “By the way, I forgot to tell you…” it will be much easier for him to swallow our critique.  For this reason, when time is not an issue, we are better off waiting a few days. One can really hurt a person with inappropriate mussar.  He must not be lazy in considering how he can approach the issue in the most non-invasive way possible.  Otherwise, he has hurt someone else’s kavod for no reason.  The pasuk immediately following the mitzva of tochacha states (Vayikra 19:18), “Do not take revenge, do not hold a grudge, and you shall love your friend like yourself.”  The message is crystal clear.  Mussar should not stem from resentment; it must be delivered out of concern and care. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) Twenty five years ago, I was a senior at Stern College searching out and chasing down recommendations for my graduate school applications.  I managed to get my department head and one of my favorite professors to agree to write a recommendation and was now up to gently reminding them to submit the letters, but had trouble deciding on who I should ask for the third letter.  My reminders became a bit stronger as each week went by past the promised dates. Once I finally realized which professor would be perfect based on advice from others applying to the same schools, it took me another two weeks to find the time to speak to him while he was at school (these were the days before email.)  He agreed but told me that others had asked before me and he had to finish theirs first, so it might be several weeks.  I was annoyed, mostly at myself, because Dr. Sternbach was known as one of the nicest, most caring and helpful human beings on earth in addition to being an expert in his field.  He had already helped me along and encouraged me over the past years, always with a smile or serious, caring eyes.  So I thanked him and hoped that his nature would speed him up a bit, as my deadlines were looming.  Somehow in my head, I convinced myself that Dr. Sternbach would rush my letter, so when I finally received my other two letters after a week and a half and was itching to send my applications, I approached Dr. Sternbach and asked if he might have my letter almost ready, as I really needed to move along and I was only waiting for his letter.  I sort of knew I was out of line to pressure him and hold him to my personal deadline when he had advised me otherwise, but I felt desperate.  The response I received is one I still remember, twenty five years later, mostly for the look on Dr. Sternbach’s face. “It is not right for you to speak like this,” he said calmly and carefully, with those serious eyes taking me to task gently and without anger.  “I never promised you what you are asking, although I see that you are anxious and will get it to you as soon as I can.  Please be more careful next time.”  And then he moved on. I had treated Dr. Sternbach incorrectly and he had called me on it.  Most people would probably say nothing but be annoyed about it and possibly hold it against me, even if it was unconsciously.  But he wanted me to do better.  And, I desperately wanted him to see me as the accomplished student I always felt I was in his class, not as I felt at that moment. It took me many years to realize the amazing tochacha I had been given.  I still received a smile when I passed