Tools

Review: Last week’s tool was:  Notice situations in which you are hurt or disappointed.  Consider if using the tool of “Not Reuvain” might make a difference.  Notice any situation that allows you to practice any of the tools learned to date. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far). PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #10 – Middos Development Program (MDP) With certain people we may feel, “Why did HaShem put this person in my life? Didn’t HaShem know that I do not need this type of… (neighbor, coworker, parent, in-law, husband, child)? I need someone warm and understanding, sensitive and nurturing, easy-going and even tempered.” We know that HaShem does not make mistakes.  If we have a difficult person in our lives, it must be because HaShem decided this is exactly what we need.  That being the case, we could look at these people as part of our Middos Development Program.  It’s the job of a personal trainer to determine what muscles need strengthening and to give us the exact exercises needed to strengthen those particular muscles.  HaShem is our Personal Trainer.  He knows exactly what middos need strengthening, and puts certain people in our lives to give us an opportunity to strengthen these precise middos, whether it’s patience, tolerance, humility, or forgiveness.  We need the challenging person in our lives to help us become more complete people and to help us grow.  Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob (Mishpacha Magazine, May 29, 2013) writes that just as every blade of grass in the world has an angel standing over it shouting, “GROW,” the difficult people planted in our lives are there to make us grow.  “When someone pushes your buttons, take a deep breath, look inside, and…hear the angel shouting, GROW.”  And then say to yourself, “I know that HaShem has sent this angel just for me, to help me grow; to grow in controlling my anger, in patience, in compassion, in my commitment to caring for the feelings of others, to grow as a human being, and as a Jew, and to grow also in my trust of HaShem, realizing that He knows exactly who to send to me as His agent of growth.” Story:  (based on a true story) While in high school Baila had not been very socially inclined.  It was now two years after seminary and Baila made her friend’s shidduch.  She couldn’t wait for the vort because it would be her chance to shine in front of her former classmates and teachers.  While at her friend’s vort, when someone asked the kalla who had made the shidduch, Baila heard her answer:  “A mutual friend.”  Baila was so hurt.  She was sure the kalla must have been too embarrassed to admit that it was Baila, since she had never been part of the “in” crowd.  It was a real blow to Baila’s self-esteem.  Didn’t HaShem realize that she needed this opportunity to shine? We really can’t go into the kalla’s mind to say why she answered the way she did.  We are obligated to try to give her the benefit of the doubt.  If that doesn’t help Baila, then she should move on to the other tools we have learned.  Bringing HaShem into the picture, one can certainly say this could be a kappara.  Additionally, perhaps this hurt was taking the place of a bad decree (Remember Napoleon) or an opportunity HaShem was sending her to merit HaShem’s blessings (Lottery Ticket).  If these earlier tools don’t help reduce Baila’s suffering, she can recognize that HaShem is her Personal Trainer.  She may have thought that what she needed was to bask in the glory of the moment when people would hear that she was the shadchan.  Obviously, HaShem thought otherwise.  Baila’s job was then to think about what middos HaShem might like her to strengthen.  Perhaps HaShem was telling her to find her own inner strength, to be proud of her accomplishments, and not to depend on the approval of others.  When we imagine the kalla as a messenger of HaShem, serving as a catalyst for Baila’s growth, then anger and hurt diminish, replaced by gratitude to HaShem for the opportunities provided. From Yated Ne’eman The Editor’s View by R’ Lipshitz (June 7, 2013) (Reprinted with permission.) Rav Yisroel Salanter’s Mussar Movement changed the way Jews treat each other and interact with the world.  There is a tradition that the revolution was sparked by Rav Yisroel’s reaction to a pitiful incident.  The legend goes that there was a man named Yankel, who was a simple shoemaker in a small town.  He was illiterate and unable to study much.  He could barely daven or recite T’hillim.  One day, he received a message that there was a letter on fancy stationary waiting for him at the post-office, postmarked from the big city.  He rushed over and asked the postal clerk to help him read the letter.  As the clerk read on, the initial frown on Yankel’s face morphed into an ever-increasing smile.  The letter informed him that his wealthy, childless uncle had passed away and left his fortune to Yankel the shoemaker.  Yankel hurried home to inform his wife about their newfound wealth.  He was overjoyed by how their life had just taken an unexpected turn.  His wife rejoiced in the good news.  but advised him to proceed with caution.  “Yankel,” she said, “don’t just take the money and spend it on luxuries because eventually, it will run out and you will be back to fixing shoes.  Go to the big city to claim your inheritance and then we will speak to the local g’vir and seek his advice on a business to invest in.  Wisely, Yankel listened to her suggestion and brought the money to a reputable local financier to invest for him.  Within a short period of time, he was earning enough to be able to bid his shoe repair shop a final goodbye.  He lived on his investment income and grew richer day by day.  With nothing to do, he began to frequent the bais medrash, where he would pay young

Review: Last week’s tool was:  the Middos Development Program.  The stretch was to view any situation during the week in which you are hurt, embarrassed or angry as uniquely customized by your personal trainer for your Middos Development Program. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned.  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #11:  Power Plant Rabbi Ezriel Tauber in his sefer, As In Heaven, So On Earth, describes two ways of M’Kadaysh Shaim Shamayim (sanctification of HaShem’s name):  a public Kiddush HaShem and a private Kiddush HaShem.  Most people are more familiar with the former rather than the latter. A public Kiddush HaShem is an impressive deed done in the presence of others which brings much honor to HaShem’s name.  Then there are those things which take much inner strength but no one knows about them–except for HaShem.  This is called a private Kiddush HaShem.  Every time a person performs a mitzva that others aren’t aware of, they are making a private Kiddush HaShem.  Aside from doing a kindness for someone privately, this would include holding back from speaking lashon hora, using our tools to drop grudges, finding a z’chus for someone’s questionable actions, or strengthening ourselves in emuna and bitachon–all recognizing that whatever the situation, HaShem is in charge.  Only HaShem sees how we work on ourselves to drop a grudge when we’ve been hurt, or fight our yetzer hora, holding in the lashon hora we would have liked to say.  All this work that we do in our mind and our heart, unseen by others, is creating a private Kiddush HaShem.  Only HaShem knows what is in our hearts and only He sees how much we are working on ourselves to be m’vater, to maintain shalom. Rabbi Tauber states that just as a power plant generates energy to supply light to this room, this building, and perhaps even a good portion of this city, so do we, through our private Kiddush HaShem acts generate an energy that has the power to light up the lives of other Jews in some way, even those that are thousands of miles away. Rabbi Lipschutz, in his editorial in the Yated Ne’eman (October 25, 2013,) states very clearly:  “The worst mistake we can make when we wake up in the morning and begin our day is to think that our actions, and our very being, don’t make a cosmic difference.  A person’s most serious error is the belief that he isn’t part of a bigger picture.  We may look at our friends and ourselves as being small and insignificant.  However, we must be confident in the belief that our words and actions have unseen and untold affects on the world.” With all the tools we have discussed until now, we have shown how we benefit by being m’vater.  Earlier we  quoted Reb Yaakov Kaminetsky, zt”l, about people often thinking that someone who is m’vater is a tzaddik.  However, he is actually a chacham, since one who is m’vater never loses out.  With this tool called the “Power Plant,” we go beyond the personal benefit to recognize how we can help K’lal Yisrael as well.  Yes, it can be very difficult at times to do so.  We may be very justified in our grudge or bad feelings.  We need to recognize that each person is a (mikdash m’at) a small sanctuary, and our hearts are the Holy of Holies!  The work we do in our hearts can be compared to the service of the Kohan Gadol on Yom Kippur when he entered the Holy of Holies.  Let us see the bigger picture in the conflicts we have in our lives with others and use it as an opportunity to help ourselves, our families, and all of K’lal Yisrael–by focusing on Shalom, HaShem’s priority for us. Story:  (based on a true story) During the Six Day War in Israel, the Jordanians were shooting and fighting around Y’rushalayim.  The Mir Yeshiva was located at the border with Jordan.  Much of their time was spent in the bomb shelter.  On one particular day, the shelling was especially heavy and frightening.  No one knew if they would survive the day.  After the war was over, some of the students were curious in what merit their yeshiva was fully saved.  The students wondered if they were saved in the merit of their Torah learning.  The Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, responded to the students with an answer no one expected.  He said:  “Do you know what saved us today?  One would think it was in the merit of our Torah learning and fervent prayers.  I think instead it was in the merit of a laundry woman sitting next to me in the bomb shelter.  This extraordinary woman is an aguna (a woman whose husband left her).  This woman was left destitute and was forced to support herself and her family by washing other people’s dirty clothes.  From where I sat in the shelter, I could hear her crying out to HaShem:  “Ribono Shel Olam, I forgive them all.”  This act of vatranus, of forgiving and letting go, brought down HaShem’s forgiveness, and in her merit, I believe all of us in the shelter were saved today.” Discussion Question Options: Give examples of private Kiddush HaShem  acts. What are the greatest examples of forgiveness you have witnessed or heard of? Think of an act of forgiveness, an act of letting go, that would be BIG for you even now. Stretch of the Week: Let go of a grudge, a hurt, or a negative assessment of someone.  Really deeply let go.  Think about this as a Kiddush HaShem, of intentionally making you and K’lal Yisrael a vessel for His b’rachos.