Tools

Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD VATRANUS–GIVING IN Introduction to Vatranus The midda (character trait) Vatranus promotes shalom in the world.  Vatranus means to be m’vater, to overlook, give in, or let go of hurt feelings.  Why should we let go of hurt feelings in our relationships with others?  In Parshas Kedoshim, HaShem implores us to be a holy people:  “K’doshim t’hiyu.”  Then the Parsha follows with many mitzvos bain adam l’chavayro (between man and his fellow man).  For example, HaShem instructs us to:  (1) not cause pain to a fellow Jew with our words, (2) not to embarrass another, and (3) not to speak negatively about one another.  If someone speaks negatively against us or embarrasses us, we are instructed not to hate our fellow Jew in our heart.  Being a holy people then includes in part: • Not taking revenge or holding a grudge. • Giving the benefit of the doubt. • Loving your fellow Jew. Having shalom in our relationships is a priority to HaShem. Let’s look to the Torah for one of many examples of how much HaShem loves shalom amongst us.  Which was worse, the generation of the Flood where the sin of the people was principally cha’mus (theft), or the generation of the Dispersion, dor HaFlaga, in which the people rebelled against HaShem Himself?  The generation of the flood, a generation of people that mistreated each other, was completely wiped out, with the exception of Noach and his family.  This shows us how important peaceful interpersonal relationships are to HaShem. As a second example, we know the first Bais HaMikdosh was destroyed because of the three cardinal sins of idol worship, murder, and adultery.  The Temple was not rebuilt for 70 years.  The second Bais HaMikdosh was destroyed because of Sinas Chinum (hatred between Jews).  After so many years, we are still waiting for it to be rebuilt.  Once again, we see how important shalom is among us. Rabbi Shmuel Eisenblatt, in the sefer Chaim Shel Shalom, states that the middos of shalom and ahavas Yisrael are foundations of the Torah.  There are many Chazal that he cites to reiterate this point: HaShem created the world with the intention that there should be peace among His creations. • Medrash Tanchumastatesthat HaShem wanted to give the Torah to B’nai Yisrael as soon as they left Mitzrayim, but they were divided among themselves.  HaShem said:  “Who shall I give the Torah to?  Only to a nation that loves peace!” • Dovid Hamelech in T’hillim 34 calls out to all generations:  “Go my sons, listen to me, I will teach you fear of G-d.”  Then he goes on to tell us to guard our tongues and to seek peace and pursue it.  Rabbainu Yona comments, “We see from here that whoever does not work at peace is lacking in Yir’as Shamayim (fear of Heaven).” Rabbi Eisenblatt elaborates that HaShem is asking us to seek peace and to love one another.  Eliyahu HaNavi informs us:  “So says Hakadosh Baruch Hu to Yisrael:  ‘My beloved children, am I lacking anything that I need to make a request of you?  But what do I ask of you?  Only that you love one another and respect one another.’  Peace is equivalent to everything.  If there is no peace, there is nothing.”  HaShem wants us to take care of his children.  Imagine, we can do something for HaShem! The larger truth is that making peace is for OUR sake.  There is no vessel that can contain HaShem’s blessings except for shalom.  In Sefer Ohr Yechezkel, in the name of the Vilna Ga’on, explains:  “When a person makes himself a vessel of peace, only then can he contain the blessings HaShem sends down.”  Without peace, all the b’rachos sent our way are lost.  In the next few months, we will learn how to make ourselves a receptacle for HaShem’s blessings. The following story illustrates how far we can develop our responses to upsetting interactions when practicing the tools we will learn.  Starting next week, we will explain each tool mentioned in greater depth.  For now, let’s allow ourselves to see how Sarah was able to change her reaction using the tools we will learn.  These tools can be used to achieve peace with others as well as true peace of mind.  For today, identify the value of what she accomplished knowing that using these tools will enable us, with HaShem’s help, to make ourselves more of a vessel for HaShem’s blessings—by bringing peace to our relationships. Story:  (based on a true story) Sara had been in a carpool for the past two years with a group of women a few blocks away.  As the new school year approached, Sara had assumed the carpool would continue as before.  During the summer, she kept telling herself she really should phone and confirm with the other parents the carpool plans for the coming year.  Was Sara in for a shock.  A week before the new school year was to begin, when Sara was ready to firm up her plans, she discovered the other parents had already made other arrangements.  A younger brother of one of the boys joined, as did a new neighbor who moved nearby, making it very convenient for these parents to join together, excluding Sara.  Each one hoped the other would tell Sara of their new plans.  Sara was so hurt and angry when she found out her children had been left out of the carpool.  How could these other mothers do this to her?  And how could she let herself get into this situation by not communicating sooner with the mothers she had previously depended on?  Sara found a teacher to drive her boys two mornings a week, leaving her to drive them the other three mornings and every afternoon.  With her large family, plus the carpools she drove for her girls, this additional driving made her angry and resentful.  Sara had attended a series of classes over months practicing tools for letting go of hurt and anger.  Knowing the tools to use wasn’t enough.  Sara needed help from her friend Chaya to apply the tools learned to her situation. Reminding her of the tools she had learned, Chaya suggested looking at the situation in a different way.  First (if you can) bring HaShem into the

Review: Last week’s stretch was:  Let go of a hurt with a person and seek peace.  Bring HaShem into the picture.  Understand no one can bring harm to you unless sent from HaShem, and this will always be for your good. Please have one person share a successful experience using this tool. PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tools #1 – MIDDA K’NEGGED MIDDA Tool #1:  Midda K’Neged Midda Providing Motivation for You to Forgive The main mitzvos that pertain to vatranus are: 1.  Do not hold a grudge. 2.  Do not hate your brother in your heart.  This is the worst type of hatred because when it’s concealed, there is no chance for peace.  This is not to say that open hatred is fine (to be covered by the third mitzva). 3. Love your friend as yourself. What all these mitzvos have in common is that they are all mitzvos of the heart.  We can fulfill or transgress them by how we feel in our heart. A person may wonder:  How can the Torah dictate to me what I’m allowed or not allowed to feel?  How is it humanly possible for me not to have bad feelings towards someone who embarrassed me or hurt me in some way, and then to even love him despite the fact that he hasn’t treated me well?  These mitzvos must be meant for angels who have no emotions or feelings.  The fact that these mitzvos were given to us means that it is humanly possible.  HaShem would not demand of us something that we are incapable of doing.  If I were to ask you to build a bridge from one side of the street to another, could you do it?  We know it can be done, but it would be impossible for you without the right tools and know how.  So it is with vatranus—letting go of grudges and bad feelings towards those who have hurt us.  Yes, it is impossible unless I have the tools to go about it.  The Torah has given us the tools to fulfill these mitzvos.  With these tools we will find that we can often build bridges from one heart to the next.  However, even if the other person remains angry or clueless as to the pain they caused us, we will always gain by forgiving them. One may wonder, am I obligated to forgive and remain silent in every situation?  The Rambam says about the mitzva “Do not hate your brother in your heart” (Hilchos Da’os, perek 6) that if one man sins against another, he should not hate him and remain silent.  Rather, it is a mitzva to approach the person for the sake of shalom and state how one feels, giving the other person a chance to apologize or explain.  If the other person does apologize or explain, even if the one hurt does not like the answer, he is obligated to forgive.  Only if the person does not care to answer and shows that he does not regret his actions is the hurt person permitted to hold on to the bad feelings.  However, the Rambam continues, if the individual who was hurt prefers not to approach the one who hurt him because it is clear that he will not get a satisfactory answer, and yet still forgives him in his heart, this is a middas Chasidus—an even higher level of piety.  According to Sefer HaChinuch, in either event, one would not be allowed to harbor hatred in his heart and continue holding a grudge.  The Chofetz Chaim paskens that since we are talking about a Safek d’Oraisa (a difference of opinion on a Torah prohibition), we decide according to the more stringent opinion.  This requires us not to hold a grudge.  We must realize that letting go benefits us tremendously, as practicing these tools over time will show you in your own life.  Note:  These concepts do not apply to abusive situations.  Also, if there is anything a person can do to prevent someone from harming him, he definitely should do what is necessary to prevent harm. Why is forgiving so difficult?  When I forgive, it feels as though I am giving the person who hurt me a gift.  Since he has caused me pain, I may feel that he doesn’t deserve that gift of forgiveness.  What makes forgiving easier is knowing that I am actually giving myself a gift! If I know that I personally have so much to gain by forgiving, I will be motivated to work on letting go of my bad feelings.  Rosh HaShana 17:a states: Whoever is forgiving, HaShem will forgive him for all of his sins.  The phrase literally means to pass over one’s middos.  When someone hurts or embarrasses me, my natural inclination is to be hurt, angry or insulted.  When I pass over this natural reaction and forgive instead, then I merit HaShem’s forgiveness for sins that I’ve done (as long as I don’t continue to do them).  This is because HaShem rules the world midda k’negged midda, measure for measure.  How I act towards others is how HaShem will act towards me.  When I forgive, then I merit HaShem’s forgiveness.  The Chofetz Chaim comments on this Chazal:  Even if I would not be completely forgiven for one sin, but only lesson the severity of the punishment, it would still be quite worth it to be forgiving.  How much more so would this be true if I could have a single sin completely forgiven! Through practicing the midda of vatranus, we will be forgiven completely for all of our sins (even the worst type—those done out of rebellion).  Why would we want to give up such an opportunity? Story:  (based on a true story) This story appears in Sefer Lekach Tov on the Yamim Noraim, Vol I, told over by the tzaddik and m’kubal, The Rashash (Rabbi Sholom Sharabi), z”tzl. Two men arrived at Shul on the eve of Rosh HaShana where it was discovered that they were both mistakenly assigned the same seat.  When they approached the gabbai to inform him of the mix-up, he apologized profusely.  Unfortunately, the only solution to be found was for one of the men to give up the seat and

Review: Last week’s tool was Midda K’Neged Midda, which gave us very strong motivation for forgiving and letting go of hurts.  The stretch was:  If/when a situation arises when a person wrongs you in some way, shift the focus away from what the person did to you.  Instead, stop, and think to yourself:  HaShem has brought me this opportunity as a test.  If I pass this test, HaShem will grant me forgiveness. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far). Tools #2 – DAN L’CHAF Z’CHUS PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #2:  Dan L’Chaf Z’chus An excellent tool to rid ourselves of anger and bad feelings is working on the mitzva of dan l’chaf z’chus (judging favorably).  This mitzva from the Torah helps us see the other person in a better light.  Finding a z’chus may clear the person completely of what we think they’ve done, or it might help us understand them better—even if not quite clearing them completely of wrong doing.  This, too, is one of the mitzvos of the heart; we fulfill this mitzva through our thoughts rather than through our deeds.  Also, Pirkai Avos teaches us that judging others favorably is a midda tova, a good character trait to develop.  By working on dan l’chaf z’chus, we will manage to better fulfill several other mitzvos, such as to love your neighbor, to not take revenge or hold a grudge, and to not hate your brother in your heart.  If the negative feelings are erased as a result of judging favorably, then one can more easily fulfill other mitzvos between man and his fellow man, such as visiting the sick, returning lost objects, giving a loan, etc. Here are some examples of different z’chusim to consider when feeling annoyed or upset with someone: 1. Perhaps there is some sort of misunderstanding.  Sometimes we don’t hear accurately or completely.  Misunderstandings also arise from different styles of communication as well as cultural and language differences. 2. Perhaps the person made a mistake or forgot.  We are all human.  Am I not also capable of making a mistake or forgetting? 3. Perhaps he used bad judgment.  Have I ever used bad judgment and regretted it?  Does that make me a bad person? 4. Maybe his mind was preoccupied, so he didn’t notice me or my need.  I have to allow him the same z’chusim I would allow for myself. 5. I may be missing a piece of the puzzle.  There may be some information that I’m lacking that would make me understand the situation totally differently. 6. We are all products of our life’s experiences.  Maybe something in this person’s upbringing or past that cause him to behave in the way that he does. The goal of dan l’chaf zchus is to restore our respect for another person.  If we look at the word “respect,” we will have a hint as to how to go about it.  The prefix ‘re’ means again.  ‘Spect’ pertains to seeing, as in the word ‘spectator’.  To respect someone we must look again and consider other possible interpretations for their behavior.  The mitzva to judge favorably does not necessarily include everyone, as it depends on the person’s previous history or record with us.  On the other hand, the midda tova includes everyone except a rasha, an evil person. It is important to keep in mind what we learned in last week’s lesson too.  Remember that HaShem conducts His world midda k’neged midda (measure for measure).  If I make it a habit to work on giving others the benefit of the doubt, then I will merit the same consideration from HaShem.  He can judge us with the strictest of judgment or with mercy.  Judging us with mercy would mean, yes, we did indeed sin, but He will take into account any extenuating circumstances.  How we judge others will determine how we will be judged by HaShem. Judging favorably is not only a mitzva in the Torah, it is also a path to fulfilling many other mitzvos between man and his fellow man.  The Chofetz Chaim tells us that this mitzva is the antidote to Lashon Hora!  The more I work on judging favorably, the less I will come to speak negatively about others.  Additionally, this is an excellent tool to start with when I am working to restore good feelings in a relationship in which I have been hurt, embarrassed or angered.  If I can find a z’chus for the person, that may be all I need to let go of any bad feelings.  Through judging others favorably, I am guaranteeing for myself a more favorable judgment from HaShem. Story:  (based on a true story) Dina had a very close friend to whom she had confided many times concerning a personal issue.  Leah had experienced, and successfully dealt with, similar problems, so Dina felt comfortable sharing with Leah and no one else. She valued the chizuk and practical advice she received from her.  When a particularly difficult issue arose, once again Dina turned to Leah.  She was very distressed when Leah did not offer any sort of encouragement or guidance about how to proceed.  Instead, after listening to Dina talk about her issue extensively, Leah went on to discuss other topics, seemingly ignoring Dina’s angst.  Each time Dina spoke with Leah, she stressed that she reallyneeded help, but Leah seemed indifferent and did not offer any help as in the past.  Dina could not understand what had happened, and why her friend was not willing to offer the help she desperately needed, specifically from her.  She felt hurt and abandoned in her time of need, so she started avoiding Leah.  Talking the situation over with her sister Esty without giving names or details, Dina asked for help in trying to drop her grudge against her friend.  Esty encouraged Dina to judge her friend favorably by offering a possible reason for her behavior.  Maybe she herself was going through a difficult time and she just couldn’t handle Dina’s problem as well right now.  When Esty saw that this didn’t help Dina let go of the hurt, Esty directed her to bring HaShem into the picture.  Leah

Review: Last week’s stretch was:  to judge someone favorably (dan l’chaf z’chus).  With Tool #1 we discussed the value of taking our focus off what the other person did to us.  Instead we learned to focus on the hurtful incident as an opportunity coming directly from HaShem as a test.  In passing the test, HaShem will be able to forgive our sins.  A person that is m’vater will never lose out.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tool #3 – BITACHON PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #3:  Bringing HaShem into the Picture  Last week we worked on judging the other favorably.  We searched for some explanation for what they had seemingly done that would convince us there was no reason to be hurt in the first place.  Once we see that no offense was intended, it becomes easier to forgive.  There are some situations, however, for which dan l’chaf z’chus alone is not enough to allow us to let go of our bad feelings.  In such cases we need a different tool.  Instead of focusing on the ‘perpetrator,’ we instead turn our focus to HaShem by working on strengthen our emuna and bitachon (faith and trust) in Him.  We must constantly remind ourselves that HaShem runs the world. The author of the sefer Pella Yoaitz elaborates on this:  Each one of us must believe with a complete belief that all of the bad, as well as all of the good in our lives, comes from The One Above—whether it comes to us through another person (as an insult), or comes directly from Heaven (as an illness, r”l).  We must recognize that no one can harm us, or benefit us even the slightest bit, or grant us honor, or cause us shame, without a decree from above!  Therefore, whoever causes me benefit or causes me harm—whether physically, financially or emotionally—is merely a messenger from HaShem.  When this foundation of our faith is set in our hearts with a complete belief like nails that are pounded in until they will not budge, then we will understand that we are not to blame the offending person:  “And if I realize that this is from HaShem, then I can go a step further and realize that this is for my good because everything HaShem does is for my good!” In Sefer Hachinuch as well (under the mitzvos Do Not Take Revenge and Do Not Hold a Grudge), it states that a person must know and take deeply to heart that everything that happens to him, whether good or bad, is from HaShem.  Absolutely nothing can happen without it being the will of HaShem.  Therefore, when someone causes you anguish or pain, you must know that it was decreed from Above. The Chofetz Chaim, in Sefer Sh’miras HaLoshon, tells us that when we accept the situation as a decree from Above, our honor is raised in both this world and the World to Come, and the reward is great. A person might feel:  “Yes I understand that is what HaShem sent for me.  Still I’m upset with the other person for choosing to do it to me.  They had free choice.”  The fact that they were the messenger sent to hurt me is between them and HaShem.  My focus needs to be on the fact that this is what HaShem wanted for me and it was therefore for my good! Imagine that you are going to your car to get to work on time when you see that your neighbor is blocking your driveway.  The neighbor doesn’t answer his doorbell when you rush over to ask him to move his car.  You are now furious!  The clock is ticking and you see that you are going to be late for work.  Perhaps you risk losing your job because you were expected at an important meeting.  Your first step might be to use the tool dan l’chaf z’chus.  Perhaps the neighbor was planning on moving his car first thing in the morning when some emergency came up.  Let’s say you see the neighbor later and you find out that wasn’t the case (Note:  You still get full credit for fulfilling the mitzva of judging favorably, even if you were wrong.).  Rather, he just felt like parking there since it was the most convenient place for him at the time.  As you feel pressure building inside, your immediate next step is to bring HaShem into the picture.  You say to yourself:  “This couldn’t happen to me unless HaShem wanted it to happen (including any resulting consequences).  It must actually be for my good.  If I don’t see how at this moment, it will become clear when I get to the Next World.”  Each of us has heard stories like this of people made late for work on September 11, 2001—lateness that saved their lives as their planned destination had been the World Trade Center in Manhattan or a plane that went down.  In upcoming lessons, we will reveal additional tools for benefiting from the hurts that come our way. Story:  (based on a true story) An excellent shidduch had been suggested to a bachur learning in Yeshivas K’nesses Yisrael which had, unfortunately, been spoiled by the thoughtless words of another student.  Aside from losing out on this promising shidduch, this action also resulted in the bachur being drafted into the Russian army.  There he suffered several years as a Russian soldier—especially as a frum Jew.  After several difficult years in the army, this bachur was finally able to return to yeshiva.  By the time of his return, the other student who had slandered him, caused the annulment of his shidduch and the resulting suffering in the army, felt terrible regret for what he had done.  He felt too much shame to go and apologize in person for all that he had caused.  No longer learning in Slabodka, he wrote a letter to the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Nosson Tzvi Finkel, revealing to Rav Finkel what he had done and asking him to speak to the bachur to have him grant forgiveness.

Review: Last week’s stretch was:  to bring HaShem into the Picture.  With Tool #1 we discussed the value of taking our focus off what the other person did to us.  Instead we learned to focus on this incident as an opportunity coming directly from HaShem.  Somehow what may seem bad in the moment is for our good.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #4 – KAPPARA–ATONEMENT Tool #4:  Kappara–Atonement We need to pound these ideas into our head like nails that will not budge!            1. No one can harm me or benefit me unless it is decreed from above.            2. Everything HaShem does is for my good! Most people become upset when someone does something to them that they perceive as bad.  If we would acknowledge instead that the person is merely a messenger from HaShem, then what the person did would not really seem bad at all.  Even if the incident doesn’t seem ‘good,’ we will be able to understand and interpret the incident as leading to good.  Since we cannot see the whole picture, and we can’t understand how HaShem runs the world, we may need to rely on our trust in HaShem that ultimately this temporarily ‘bad’ experience is also for our good.  Our faith dictates this will eventually be made clear to us, whether in this World or the Next. One way we benefit from hurt is when it serves as a kappara—an atonement for our sins.  At times we may hear someone say with a sigh of resignation:  “Oh well, may it be for a kappara.”  If we truly understood the benefit of an atonement, we would say this instead with relief, maybe even with joy.  We know that this world is not a free for all.  There is a system of reward and punishment for our deeds.  True punishment is actually saved for the Next World, which is eternal.  What we might perceive as punishment in this world actually serves as an atonement for our sins.  Pain and suffering in this world reduces our punishment in the World To Come.  The ability to atone for our sins through suffering in this world, whether it be mild or extreme, is actually a tremendous kindness from HaShem when viewing the big picture. It says in Aicha (3:30):  “Let one offer his cheek to he who smites him.  Let him be filled with disgrace.”  Sefer Kol Bochim explains this to mean:  A person should be so happy when he is disgraced by others, as if he just ate his fill and is satiated.  This is because tolerating insults is the best type of atonement.  Any sort of trouble or pain that comes to a person serves as a kappara, whether it comes straight from HaShem (as with an illness or an accident, G-d forbid), or through another person.  We do not get to choose in what form it comes to us.  We can choose our attitude only.  We are instructed to recognize that receiving the kappara in the form of an insult or hurt, rather than in the form of an illness or financial difficulty, is a true kindness from HaShem.  Only when we identify the current suffering as a kappara can we recognize that it is actually beneficial, resulting in less suffering in the World To Come.  With this acknowledgment, we can let go of and divest ourselves of the negative feelings.  Instead we can serve HaShem with peace of mind.  It is written in the name of the AR”I and the RM”K (Rabbi Moshe Cordovero, author of Tomer D’vora) that if people recognized how beneficial insults and hurts were to their soul, they would run out to the street looking for someone to insult them, even begging them to do so!  (Of course we wouldn’t really want them to behave in that sinful way, it’s just telling us how we would feel if we would understand the tremendous benefit to our souls of an insult.) Additionally, we should know that this also applies to situations in which we inadvertently cause ourselves embarrassment; then too does our soul derive great benefit! There is a Chazal in Yuma (23:a) that states:  “Those who are insulted but do not insult back, they hear their shame but do not answer back, they do it out of love and are happy with y’surim (travails, suffering).”  About them it is written:  “Let those who love Him be like the sun that comes out in its full glory.”  This refers to three levels for us to work towards.  The first level is:  “Those who are insulted and don’t insult back.”  If our goal is peace, we should not stoop to the other person’s level and answer them back with an insult.  The Sefer HaChinuch writes that we are not expected to be like inanimate rocks, having no feelings at all.  We are permitted to defend ourselves or let the person know that his remarks were hurtful.  However, there is an even higher level to strive for and that is:  “They hear their shame and do not answer back.”  This means not only does the person make sure not to insult back, they do not answer back at all—even though they are pained by the remarks.  In such a case, the person remains silent recognizing that any reaction expressed would only add fuel to the fire, intensifying the other person’s anger and leading to more harsh insults.  With the third and the highest level of response: “The person remains silent, not because they don’t want to antagonize the angry person further, but rather with strong faith and trust in HaShem.”  When we recognize He controls everything that happens to us, we accept the hurt as a kappara sent out of love for us, ultimately to reduce our suffering later. Story:  (based on a true story) It had been a long hard and stressful day at work for Rivka.  Before heading for home, she

Review: Last week’s stretch was:  Find reasons to praise HaShem for his mercy and kindness.  In situations that bring suffering or embarrassment, work on seeing this suffering as a kappara, to cleanse ourselves from our sins.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #5 – BEING SILENT Tool #5:  Being Silent at the Time of an Argument The following is from the Sefer K’tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso, quoting an article in Meoros magazine, Issue 46, by Chaim Stefansky. At the time of an argument, people are usually not willing to keep quiet and, as a result, anger rules.  Tempers flare.  In G’mara Chulin, Rabbi Eala said, “The world exists in the merit of those who keep quiet (bolaim) at the time of an argument.  As it says in Iyov (Job 26:7):  ‘The world hangs on nothingness (b’lima).’  The entire world exists in the merit of those people who know when to keep silent.  And when is that?  At the time of an argument.”  Last week the tool used to motivate us to be silent was accepting the pain caused as a kappara.  This week we are looking from a different angle to focus on why people get angry at one another.  The true answer is shocking:  a lack of emuna, a lack of trust in G-d causes anger. If you would approach someone while they were having an angry fit and tell them:  “You are not a believing, trusting Jew!”, they would tremble.  “Because I am angry at someone who hurt me, insulted me, or caused me some sort of damage, I am not a believing Jew? What does one thing have to do with the other?” they would ask. A person who gets angry usually thinks that it was the other person who caused him the pain or damage.  As we have learned with earlier tools, the truth of the matter is that the other person is merely the chosen messenger sent by HaShem to deliver the insult or damage which was coming to him.  The one who responds in an angry fashion demonstrates the belief that someone other than HaShem has power over him.  This is blasphemy! Those who remain silent—from their mouths as well as in their hearts are proclaiming that HaShem alone rules and supervises all that happens.  Therefore, their reaction in such situations is silence.  They know, as we learned last week, that:  No one can harm me unless it is decreed from Above!  This, too, is from HaShem and must only be for my good! In Ohr Yahel, (volume 2, Parshas Vayatzai) as quoted in K’tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso, the discussion continues:  “When such a person arrives in The World of Truth, can there be any greater satisfaction than to see the world resting on his shoulders? This physically weak person, barely able to carry his own frame, will see in the Next World that in truth, he is the one that carried the world, preventing it from falling—by being silent at the time of an argument.” Besides the tremendous merit of keeping the world afloat, our Rabbis tell us that at that moment of keeping silent at the time of an argument, we merit a special power of prayer.  Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein, in Aleinu L’Shabei’ach, relates the following story.  A man, who was married for several years and was not yet blessed with children, approached Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, shlita.  The man poured out his heart to his Rabbi, asking for a suggestion of what to do to merit children.  Rav Chaim recommended that he find someone who kept quiet at the time of an insult and ask him for a b’racha.  At first the man thought this would be simple.  However as time passed, he saw that it was not easy at all to find someone who fit the description.  One evening, when he attended a wedding, he heard one man berate another one, embarrassing him and insulting him very publicly.  The one being insulted did not react.  He ignored the one embarrassing him.  The man who had cried to Reb Chaim realized:  “Finally HaShem had sent me the opportunity I sought.”  He quickly approached the man being insulted.  All this time, the angry man continued his harangue.  The one in need of the b’racha could see the one being insulted finding it more and more difficult to remain silent.  Before he could answer back, the childless man implored him:  “Please, do me a favor and don’t answer back!  I’ll explain as soon as I can.  Please, it is so important to me.  Please do this chesed for me!”  The man in need of a b’racha continued to plead with the man to remain silent and the angry man finally walked away.  Then the man seeking a b’racha told the man who had endured humiliation the suggestion Rav Chaim had given him.  Naturally upon understanding the opportunity he had gained with his silence, the man gave a b’racha for meriting children.  Nine months later, the couple seeking the b’racha celebrated a b’ris. Sometime after this story appeared in Aleinu L’Shabei’ach, Rav Zilberstein heard the following from a reader of his sefer.  A man and his wife were also childless and had tried just about everything.  Seeking a b’racha from someone who remained silent at the time of an argument was not something they had heard of before.  So naturally he too was eager to find someone who merited to make this b’racha.  He wondered, what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t put an ad in the paper, or the shul bulletin.  He didn’t have to wait long.  That very afternoon HaShem brought him to the right place at the right time.  As he entered a shul, he saw a man standing over someone berating and insulting him.  The one being insulted kept quiet.  The man approached him and asked for a b’racha, explaining this was suggested by a Rav to merit having children.  The b’racha was given, and HaShem answered. Amazingly enough, Rabbi Zilberstein mentions a third such incident in a

Review: Last week’s tool was:  To be silent at the time of an argument.  The stretch was:  When embarrassed or insulted by someone publically, practice being silent—understanding that the moment presents an opportunity to ask HaShem for a b’racha.  Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #6 – REMEMBER NAPOLEAON Tool #6:  Remember Napoleon We are beginning to see how beneficial it is to forgive.  Sefer Raishis Chochma (Anava, gimmel) gives us an even more compelling reason to let go of hurt.  There are times when we are being humiliated by others that require remaining silent so that bad decrees can be torn up—even a decree of death!  Knowing that, who would give up such an opportunity and risk fighting with the one insulting him?   He should actually feel gratitude towards the person for the tremendous benefit gained as a result.  The person may even be saving your life.  Remembering the following story about Napoleon illustrates the point that at times what may appear as an insult may, in fact, be coming to save one’s life.  General Napoleon was conquering city after city in Russia.  There was one particular city that stubbornly resisted surrender.  Napoleon’s soldiers were becoming restless.  Winter was approaching and they dreaded the brutal Russian winters.  Napoleon’s soldiers had been fighting battle after battle and were anxious to return to their families.  Napoleon decided to investigate the morale of the city first hand, to determine whether or not to give his soldiers the oppportunity to return to their families.  He and an officer would sneak into the city disguised as Russian peasants to assess the situation.  If they could determine that people were suffering from hunger, with low morale, Napoleon and his soldiers would conclude victory was close at hand.  Then they would stay the course.  If instead, morale was high, and their enemy had plenty of provisions to resist surrender during the coming harsh winter, then Napoleon would direct his army to take a leave home and would wait for spring to attempt victory over this city.  Once inside the city, Napoleon and his officer came to an Inn where they found Russians soldiers drinking away their misery, and talking about the terrible hunger they suffered in resisting Napoleon’s forces.  Napoleon found the situation in the city to be truly dire.  As he quietly attempted to slip out of the inn with his officer, he was suddenly noticed by one of the soldiers.  Pointing at Napoleon, the Russian soldier exclaimed:  “That man over there!  That’s Napoleon!!”  The other soldiers decided that their friend must be drunk.  What would Napoleon be doing inside the city when he and his army were laying siege to it!  The soldier insisted that he wasn’t drunk.  He had been in Paris before the war, and had seen Napoleon at close range.  He was certain this was Napoleon!  Napoleon’s officer struck on an idea that would hopefully allow them to leave with their lives.  He demanded loudly and rudely that Napoleon bring him a drink.  Napoleon, understanding that this was a ruse to get them both out of there safely, obeyed playing the obedient servant.  Upon bringing the drink to his officer, Napoleon proceeded to spill it all over his officer.  The officer then slapped Napoleon across the face, cursed him, and kicked him to the ground.  The Russian soldiers seeing this, laughed at their friend who had claimed this man was Napoleon.  Surely their friend must be drunk.  Who could possibly treat the great General Napoleon in such a manner and expect to live!  With the attention now turned away from them, Napoleon and his officer managed to slip away to safety.  As soon as they were out of the city, the officer got on his knees and begged Napoleon for forgiveness.  “For what?  I owe you my life for what you did!”  Napoleon proceeded to hug and kiss his officer.  Napoleon promoted him to the highest rank possible.  (From Sefer Ayal Hamilu’im as quoted in K’Tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso.) From this story of Napoleon, we learn an important lesson.  There are times in a person’s life when difficult decrees from Heaven hang over him.  Then, in HaShem’s kindness, HaShem sends the person an opportunity to tear up the difficult decrees.  That opportunity comes in the form of someone who insults, hurts, or humiliates him in some way.  If the one being hurt rises above his feelings and understands that these “smacks, kicks and humiliations” are coming to redeem him for life, or to grant him fortune and success, then he will accept the insults happily.  This tool is named “Remember Napoleon” because Napoleon understood that the insults, kicks and humiliation he suffered were coming to save his life.  If Napoleon had protested and condemned his officer for insubordination, they would not have made it out of there alive!  When we are faced with a test of being humiliated, we could, with practice over time, learn to respond:  “Who knows what this might be saving me from!”  Perhaps something life threatening was supposed to happen, and HaShem, in his great kindness, sent instead this opportunity to have the decree nullified—through accepting insults, letting go of hurt feelings, being m’vater (giving in), or remaining silent in an argument.  This is even more challenging perhaps when one feels he is right.  If I recognize that this person is actually a messenger from HaShem to save me from a harsh decree, even possibly a decree of death, this will fundamentally change my attitude and enable me to thank HaShem for such an opportunity!  (from K’Tzais HaShemesh Bigvuraso by Rabbi Avraham Tobalsky) We don’t suggest actually thanking the person who hurt us or caused us humiliation.  This might cause them to get even more angry.  However, if we recognize the tremendous benefit we receive through them, we can thank HaShem for sending them as a messenger.  Remembering the lesson we learn from

Review: Last week’s tool was:  “Remember Napoleon”  The stretch was to realize in a situation where you are insulted or embarrassed, that the insult is coming to save you from a worse decree.   Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far).  Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #7 – A WINNING LOTTERY TICKET Tool #7:  A Winning Lottery Ticket When a challenging situation arises, we start by using the tools we have previously learned.  We can choose to judge the person favorably (dan l’chaf z’chus).  We can view the situation as a kappara.  We can bring HaShem into the picture and declare that nothing in the world can happen without it first being decreed from Above.  If these fall short, another tool is seeing the challenging, difficult or unpleasant situation as a “winning lottery ticket.” When HaShem sends us a painful situation, we can get angry at the other person, or we can withdraw from the other person.  We could view the situation with a heavy heart and as a burden, as in:  “Oy, yet another test, sigh.”  Alternatively, we could learn to see the difficulty as a chance for great blessings to come our way.  Sometimes HaShem creates situations just so we can gain extra merit with a proper response.  HaShem might send an angry impatient person to the supermarket to yell at us in front of everyone.  We should look at this as if HaShem handed us a winning lottery ticket.  Whether or not we can cash it in is up to us.  If we get angry, leaving HaShem out of the picture, it is as if we took that winning lottery ticket and tore it up.  If instead we remain quiet and recognize that this challenging situation is from HaShem and is for our good, then we can “cash in our ticket for the jackpot.”  The jackpot is an abundance of HaShem’s b’rachos.  If we keep quiet, then we pass the test.  Passing the test brings HaShem’s forgiveness for our aveiros.  Of course we will only succeed by keeping HaShem in the picture and recognizing that everything that happens to us comes from HaShem, and is brought to us for our good.  The following story will help us understand when this tool of the winning lottery ticket may be precisely the right one for us—especially if earlier tools don’t help reduce our reaction of anger with the other person. Story:  (based on a true story) One Eruv Sukkos, Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein was approached by a man.  He was distraught and asked the Rabbi to accompany him to see the damage his neighbor had done to his apartment.  Rabbi Zilberstein was taken to the man’s balcony where the sukka had been completely decorated.  The table had been set for Yom Tov.  Unfortunately the family upstairs had washed their floor and sent all the filthy water from cleaning their whole apartment down the drain on their porch which emptied down onto the upset man’s sukka.  Rabbi Zilberstein could see the schach was dripping with filthy water.  The filth dripped on his beautifully set table, and dripped down from the wet decorations.  This man’s family was in great pain.  The Rabbi probably first acknowledged the pain of every family member who had worked to prepare such a beautiful Yom Tov table only to have it ruined. Rather than going to make the upstairs neighbors aware of the damage their water had done to the sukka, the Rabbi said he preferred to speak to the heart of the one that is hurt.  He quoted from a very rare sefer Bris Olam, authored by a talmid of the RamChal, about the mitzva in the Torah azov ta’azov, translated here as “You shall surely help.”  (Usually these words mean “to leave”.)  In the discussion of the mitzva, the Torah instructs us that if you see your enemy’s donkey falling under the burden of a heavy load, you shall surely help your enemy in unloading the donkey repeatedly.  This is the only place in the Torah where the word a’zov means help rather than leave:  you shall surely help.  What is the significance of this?  The Torah is telling us that if you leave behind your complaints against him and forgive him, then a’zov ta’azov, HaShem will surely leave behind all his complaints against you.  Your sins will be forgiven and you will merit a clean slate.  The sefer specifies that you will have a clean slate like a newborn baby.  No one would knowingly give up such an opportunity. We could imagine that the Rabbi helped members of the family to give the family upstairs the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe in fact a child had swept the dirty water through the drain unaware of where it would drip down.  Certainly no one purposely caused them this harm.  Even taking into account all the damage done, it was certainly worth it for all he would gain by forgiving the person, a completely clean slate; all of his sins forgiven.  For a person to get angry and continue to be upset after learning this, means the person doesn’t understand that everything is from HaShem.  Sometimes HaShem sends us these painful situations through another person to give us the opportunity to earn his b’rachos.  He wants to shower us with His b’rachos.  First He sends a test to see that we are worthy, and to what extent.  The heavenly ‘cameras’ will testify as to the reactions of the person.  Does the person choose to keep quiet, recognizing this is from HaShem, or does he instead react out of anger?  Does he forgive his neighbor or does he demand justice be done  The person’s reactions will determine the blessings that HaShem sends down. Discussion Question Options: When we find ourselves upset with the actions or words of another, what could we think to ourselves to help change our negative reaction? Is there anything important to lose by letting go of the anger in light of what is to be gained? When would you find it most

Review: Last week’s tool was:  “the winning lottery ticket.”  The stretch was to stop yourself after getting angry or upset with someone.  Consider they have given you a winning lottery ticket.  Everyone needs b’rachos from HaShem.  Consider how it would be worth giving up our anger in favor of receiving an abundance of b’rachos that HaShem has waiting for us.  Would it be worth giving up the right to be angry or upset in favor of the possibility of receiving this b’racha from HaShem? Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far). Tools PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #8 – THE SHALOM FUND Tool #8:  The Shalom Fund Money is quite often the reason for strife between people.  The Chofetz Chaim’s solution in such cases is creating a Shalom Fund.  In Sefer Shmiras HaLashon, the Chofetz Chaim advises us to set aside a certain amount of money every week for this fund.  In the time of the Chofetz Chaim, when money was more scarce, they probably had to literally put money aside weekly for this special purpose.  In modern times, we can mentally have in mind that a portion of our money in the bank is for our Shalom fund.  In the same way we make sure to have money available for other mitzvos, such as m’zuzos, matzos for Pesach, and a lulav and esrog for Succos, we need to make sure we have money available for the mitzva of shalom.  Would a person ever say:  “It’s been a rough year, I think we’ll have to do without matzos this Pesach,” or “We spent so much on the new house, there is no money in the budget for m’zuzos.  We will have to do without them for the time being.”  Of course not. Why is it so hard to spend money for this essential mitzva of shalom?  We remember from our first lesson how important shalom is to HaShem.  When we seek to make ourselves a “receptacle” to contain HaShem’s blessings, we will seek ways to make peace in our relationships and for ourselves.  With a designated Shalom Fund, we are relieved from feeling that we are taking money from ‘our own pockets’ for that which our neighbor owes us.  Rather we are paying with money that was already designated in our minds to go for the mitzva of shalom.  We are not necessarily talking about large sums of money here.  A person need not feel that if one is constantly taking money out of a Shalom Fund, then others will take advantage and soon a person would have no money left for personal needs.  For large amounts of money, a person has a right to turn to the Bais Din to recover what the person believes is owed him.  Additionally, when a person forgets to pay us back or return a borrowed item, it would certainly be proper behavior to remind them, even if it requires several reminders.  Truthfully, the day to day quarrels over money almost always involve small amounts.  By utilizing the Shalom Fund, a person saves himself from many serious sins.  If a person is not sure if their case should go to Bais Din, or if they should be m’vater on the money, definitely ask your Rav.  However, it is important to keep in mind the words of Yaakov Kaminetzky, zt’l:  “People think the one who is m’vater is a tzaddik, but I say he is a chochom.”  One who is m’vater will never lose out!  Many people have said how valuable this tool has been in helping them maintain good relationships with neighbors who borrow items and never return them, or friends when making sheva b’rachos together and one of the participating parties does not pay their fair share, or when there is a disagreement on how much should be spent, with mechutanim when making a simcha together. The Chofetz Chaim, in Sefer Shmiras HaLashon, gives a mashal of a father dishing out portions of food to his children.  One of them, Reuven, approaches him and asks for another portion.  Reuven explained that Shimon took his portion.  When he asked for it back, Shimon refused to give it to him.  Reuven understood that his father did not like seeing his children fighting, so rather than fight with Shimon over the food, Reuven was asking for a new portion.  The father upon hearing this explanation was so pleased, the father gave him a double portion.  Now, imagine the scenario differently.  Imagine Reuven demanding that Shimon give him back his portion.  Imagine that Shimon refuses, so Reuven grabs the food by force.  Soon food is flying and both brothers are hitting each other on the floor.  The father turns around demanding to know what’s going on.  Reuven points to Shimon saying: “He started it.  He took my food and wouldn’t give it back!”  The father would then answer, while reaching to take Shimon’s food from him:  “I don’t care who started it!  You should have just come to me and asked for more rather than fight!  Now both of you get nothing!” HaShem is our loving Father and can’t tolerate seeing His children fight.  Everything we have is from Him and if we feel someone is unfairly taking away something that is rightfully ours, we need only turn to HaShem and ask Him to replace it.  It pleases HaShem so much when we choose peace over strife or bearing a grudge, then we are promised that He will actually pay us back double the amount on which we are m’vater!  (See Sefer Sh’miras HaLashon, Sha’ar Hatevuna, Chapter 11) Wouldn’t it be foolish to give up such an opportunity?  When we find ourselves facing such a test, we again must strengthen our trust and faith in HaShem, and recognize that everything is from Him.  How much money we will have is determined on Rosh Hashanah.  No one can take away from us what HaShem determines we are to have. Story: From K’tais HaShemesh Bigvuraso: A little over eighty years ago there lived a Jew, Reb Chaim, who owned a printing shop in a town in Israel.  One day another Jew opened a printing shop right next to the first one.  The first thing

Review: Last week’s tool was:  the Shalom Fund.  The stretch was to discuss the concept of a family shalom fund, which doesn’t have to be taking funds out of the bank.  Knowing this is a budgeted item proves helpful.  Using any of the tools learned to date, one person share a success story for two minutes. Please have one person share a successful experience using this or any other tool we have learned (so far) PRACTICAL TOOLS FOR BRINGING SHALOM INTO OUR WORLD Tool #9 – NOT REUVAIN Tool #9:  Not Reuvain Hurt feelings are often caused by something someone else said or did.  There are times, however, when we are upset with someone as a result of something they didn’t do, when we have expectations that are not fulfilled.  This may include when someone doesn’t invite us to their simcha, doesn’t lend us an item we know they have, or doesn’t come through with a favor.  The Chofetz Chaim says that in such cases, we shouldn’t have a complaint against them.  Instead, we should know that it wasn’t decreed in Heaven that the favor should come from that particular person.  To illustrate this, the Chofetz Chaim gives us a mashal:  Someone going to an unfamiliar town was asked to deliver a package to “Reuvain.” Upon seeing a group of people he asked:  “Excuse me, would you tell me where I could find Reuvain?  Someone answered him, “Try at the marketplace.  There are a lot of people at the market.  Perhaps you’ll find him there.” The man took his advice and went to the marketplace and asked around for Reuvain, without success.  Would it ever occur to him to get angry at each one he approached when he was told that each one wasn’t Reuvain?  “Why are you Shimon?  or “Why are you Levi when I need Reuvain?  If he cannot find Reuvain, he needs to search further until he comes across the right person.  So too, the Chofetz Chaim says, if one asks a person for a favor, and they don’t come through, one shouldn’t hold it against the person because they are not the one decreed in Heaven to give the favor.  Instead, simply go find “Reuvain,” the one meant to do the favor.  If one doesn’t find Reuvain, then recognize this too is from HaShem. On the mitzva, do not hate your brother in your heart, the Rambam says:  “If one person sins against another, he shouldn’t hold it in his heart, but he should approach him for the sake of shalom (not to let off steam), asking him why he did it, or let him know that he’s hurt, in order to give the person an opportunity to explain himself or apologize.  If the person refuses to apologize or excuse his actions, only then may the person hold it against him.” The Rambam does say at this point that there are those who will work on forgiving on their own, without approaching the person.  This is most certainly praiseworthy.  The Chofetz Chaim maintains that because there are opinions to the contrary (that we may not hold on to bad feelings towards that person even after approaching the person and getting a negative response), we do not hold as the Rambam in this case.  Therefore, it would be much better to work on the hurt on our own (or with the help of a friend) and only approach the person after giving it much thought, concluding that the person will probably answer in a positive way so shalom will be achieved.  The point to emphasize here are the beginning words of the Rambam:  “If one person sins against another.” This lenient opinion of the Rambam only applies if someone has sinned against you, and not when the person doesn’t do something you would have liked them to do.  In such cases, even the Rambam maintains that we are not allowed to harbor any ill will against them.  Such cases include not lending an item, not inviting us, not visiting, and not coming through with a favor we expected.  In all of these such cases, we are obligated to recognize that the favor was not meant to come from them (utilizing the tool of strengthening ourselves with emuna and bitachon) as well as to judge them favorably. Story:  (based on a true story) Dina’s sister in Lakewood was making a wedding.  When visiting Dina in Baltimore, the sister had visited the gown g’mach and found the perfect gown for her and one for her daughters.  A week before the wedding, Dina picked up the gowns from the g’mach and proceeded to inquire about rides to Lakewood.  She was happy to hear that Mrs. C.’s daughter, Leah, was in town for Shabbos and would be returning to Lakewood on Sunday.  Dina called the C.’s home and asked Leah if she would perhaps have room to take the gowns.  Leah said that she probably would.  To be certain, she should call back in an hour after she had the car packed.  When Dina called back, Leah’s mother answered.  Dina told her that Leah said she should call back to see if she had room in the car for the gowns.  Mrs. C., when hearing what Dina wanted, immediately said:  “Of course she won’t have room.  She’s traveling with her whole family.  They have lots of stuff.  She won’t be able to take anything extra.” Dina’s heart sank.  She thought that if she would have spoken to Leah directly, Leah would have been more accommodating.  Leah probably would have made room for the two gowns.  Mrs. C. hadn’t even checked with Leah.  Dina was quite upset.  Her sister really needed those gowns and Leah was the only ride Dina had found.  While condemning Mrs. C. in her mind, she heard a little voice in her head say:  “She’s not Reuvain.” At first she fought that idea.  Slowly, she let it grow stronger.  Though it was hard for her to accept at first, she was finally able to remove from her heart the complaints that she had