AY Series – Part I

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week: Choose one act of loving your fellow Jew (ahavas Yisrael) that you may have procrastinated in performing and commit to doing it this week. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Judaism teaches that welcoming guests and attending to their needs is very important. Therefore, whenever we encounter a traveler or anyone who needs food and lodging, we are obligated to accommodate him in the manner that we ourselves would wish to be treated. Some opinions maintain that we fulfill the mitzvah of welcoming guests even when we invite people to our home who are not necessarily needy, as long as we are doing it for their honor. The mitzvah includes welcoming the guest into our home, providing him with food and drink, arranging sleeping accommodations and accompanying him when he departs, along with addressing any other needs he may have. The Torah illustrates the hospitality that Avraham showed the angels, despite his own period of illness. During his recovery, he sat out in the hot sun, hoping to find guests. Upon meeting what appeared to be simple travelers, he respected them as though they were distinguished gentlemen, begging them to join him as his guests. He offered them the opportunity to wash up from their journey and rest. Realizing that they might be anxious to continue on their way, he immediately brought them bread and water but also prepared a full, substantial meal that he insisted on serving himself. Subsequently, he personally escorted them on their way. Following Avraham’s example, we should provide for the needs of our guests – food, drink, a place to wash and rest, etc. – enthusiastically and quickly. The host should always serve with a smile, as if he is wealthy and has plenty to spare. The host should also be extremely careful to maintain a positive demeanor. As showing sadness or frustration may make all present feel uncomfortable, this might discourage his family members from inviting guests in the future. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: Sabbath meals during my childhood were always marked with an abundance of food and guests. If by chance, there was a meal and my parents hadn’t invited anyone, my siblings and I would protest and proclaim that it wouldn’t be the same. In fact, we would beg our father to find someone from the synagogue to bring home. As a child, having guests was entertaining. We’d love to hear their funny, meaningful, and often miraculous stories. I often reflect upon those times and realize that, from our narrow perspective as small children, guests were looked upon as serving our desire for entertainment, not necessarily as a vehicle for us to share with others. When we got married and purchased a home, my new husband and I couldn’t wait to start hosting guests. Within a few months, we began entertaining and I couldn’t have been happier. One particular Friday night, we decided to invite some of my husband’s friends over for a meal. I meticulously planned every detail. The meal started pleasantly with everyone enjoying themselves and having a great time. When it was time to serve the main course, I saw that my green beans were brown, mushy and overcooked. The chicken had dried out and the rice had hardened. I was mortified. How in the world was I going to serve this food with a smile? I quickly figured I’d put together a salad or two, sprinkle some almonds on the green beans, and pour duck sauce on the chicken. With great trepidation, I brought the food to the table with a sullen face and a negative attitude. I regained my composure by telling myself that my feelings were misguided and that I had just performed a wonderful mitzvah. My guests didn’t run out of the house in anger or seem bothered at all. After thinking about it for a while, I came to the realization that I had conjured up a picture in my head of how I thought I was being viewed. I had feared that my guests would think badly of my cooking or not want to come back again. Was I taking things too far? Did they even give it any thought at all? The following week we were guests at the home of another family. During our stay, G-d had orchestrated the exact scenario I needed to experience. When the woman of the house opened the crock pot, the unmistakable smell of burned barley, meat and potatoes was quite obvious. “Oh boy” she said, “looks like our Creator had other plans for our meal today. Let’s see what else we can serve. Tell everyone at the table that we have some ‘technical difficulties’ and we’ll be a little delayed.” Everyone scrambled in the kitchen to pull some other dishes together. The hostess even asked me for advice and then put me to work slicing roasted chicken from the night before to produce a makeshift chicken salad. With all of us working together while laughing and cracking jokes about the humorous turn of events, before we knew it the food was served and the meal ended beautifully. After we expressed our appreciation, I pulled my friend, the hostess, into a side room and inquired as to how she had the strength to deal with the situation so calmly. “I learned long ago that the most important ingredient in anything I cook is a big warm smile.” I used to be very self-conscious about everything I prepared. However, I eventually realized that our guests come to be with us, not to experience a gourmet restaurant. I try to ensure that I have a nice amount of simple food that is always served with a smile. It’s so easy to get caught up in the details but if the focus is on serving others with joy and respect then I don’t need expensive

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week: Visit a sick person this week. Remember to care for this person’s physical and emotional needs as well as pray for their complete recovery. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. One way to emulate our Creator is to make every effort to console mourners after the loss of a close relative. If we were in the position of the mourner we would certainly want others to comfort us, therefore, by consoling someone who has experienced a loss we also honor the commandment to treat others as we wish to be treated. The primary goal of consoling mourners is to comfort them in their pain and to offer them emotional support. Even if the deceased person did not leave any living relatives who could sit shiva, some opinions say that ten people should do so in the home of the departed and that people should gather there to honor him. When possible, a group of ten men should gather to pray in the shiva house during the week of mourning. If someone is unable to come to the house of mourning, due to illness or other difficulty, he can console the mourner via telephone. However, this is not a complete fulfillment of the mitzvah, which can be accomplished only by actually visiting the shiva house. If the purpose of consoling a mourner is to alleviate his pain, the act of doing so should be performed in a way that does not aggravate his discomfort. This pertains to when we arrive, how long we should stay and what we should say, or refrain from saying, during our visit. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) I feel uncomfortable around overly emotional and passionate personalities. It is quite possible that, because I am rather reserved, anyone who displays feelings is overemotional in my mind. When others start to cry when I am talking to them, I feel like crawling under a rock. I don’t know how to handle their intensity. It starts with an awkward feeling in my stomach, and then triggers a feeling of guilt over my lack of deep emotions. Finally, I am left with embarrassment. Since I often struggle in these situations, I try at all costs to avoid them. Unfortunately, my dear friend Rachel’s mother had been diagnosed with a very virulent form of cancer at a young age. It was a shock to all those who knew her as a young and healthy woman. Over what seemed a short time, despite all medical intervention and heartfelt prayers she passed away. To say that my friend was distraught would be a gross understatement. Throughout her mother’s illness, I stood by Rachel’s side, but struggled with the intense emotions of those around me. When my phone rang at 5:30 in the morning, I knew something wasn’t right. I picked up the phone to hysterical crying. It was then that Rachel told me the news and asked if I could arrange help for the children. I immediately planned what had to get taken care of for the day. After my children awakened, I explained what had happened, sent them off to school and went to the funeral home. After the funeral, I decided to go home, take care of some arrangements for my family and go straight to the shiva house. As I tackled various chores that had been ignored around my house the past few days, I started feeling a little shaky. I had always busied myself with details, like cooking or carpooling for Rachel but I realized that she would need something else from me now. Although she would need help with childcare and other necessities, she would need me to be emotionally available. She needed a listening ear, a caring heart and someone to feel her pain. As soon as this hit me, that gnawing sensation in my stomach returned. I started feeling so uncomfortable, afraid that I would not know what to say or how to comfort her. As I sat at my kitchen table my fears and doubts ran rampant but something inside me told me to go and I’d figure out what to do. As I approached the living room where Rachel was sitting with her two sisters, I saw her look up at me. As if a release valve was pushed the moment she noticed my presence, she stood up, hugged me and cried bitter tears on my shoulders. I held her but did not and could not say a word. I was at such a loss for the right words. Rachel looked at me, as if she knew exactly what was on my mind and said “You don’t need to say a word. Your being here is all that I need right now. I can’t thank you enough for your friendship and caring.” I realized that she didn’t need me to say anything. My friend knew I was there, that I cared, and that I was available. Rachel understood my empathy for her which provided comfort without me saying a word. I often feel uncomfortable in situations that warrant emotional responses but I have come to realize that my focus needs to be on showing the other person that I’m simply present and empathetic. Through my experience with Rachel, I learned that just being there is what’s truly important. Discussion Question Options: How might the writer have felt if she had decided to wait a few days before visiting her friend? Would it have been easier or more difficult for her to provide support in the manner she chose based on her fears regarding how to handle the situation? To what extreme will people go to avoid discomfort? What motivates people to do the right thing even when it is difficult? Stretch of the Week: Choose one act of loving your fellow Jew (ahavas Yisrael) that you

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the Week: Assign one person to remind you to stop when you’re about to say something you shouldn’t. This will help you not place a “spiritual stumbling block” before others so they won’t end up hearing lashon hora. Tell yourself you will do this as a merit for someone this week to help keep you motivated. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Publicly shaming another Jew is equivalent to shedding blood (since when one is embarrassed, the blood literally drains from the victim’s face). Judaism teaches us to say that “One should rather let himself be thrown into a fiery furnace than expose another person to public shame.” For example, calling people by insulting nicknames is a practice to be strictly avoided. Even a wrongdoer must not be shamed and should not be reprimanded in public since this would cause him embarrassment. Even when rebuking someone privately, we should be mindful to choose our words carefully. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) Last week was a two-year anniversary for me – an evening I won’t forget. I was sleep deprived from the night before, had broken my diet and my cleaning lady cancelled. I was feeling miserable. When my children marched through the door from their respective carpools, I wasn’t the welcoming mother I’d wanted to be, or anything close. I wasn’t prepared with dinner on the table so I told the kids they could play outside until I called them inside. For some reason when I’m stressed, I take it out on my kids. They are an easy target, an outlet for my pent-up frustrations, even though I wish I had more self-control. That evening, as soon as I had set the table, I went to the door to call them inside and saw my neighbor’s son crying incessantly with my son standing next to him. Because of my bad mood, I made assumptions about my own child’s behavior which ended causing him a great deal of embarrassment. “Yosef! Are you being a bully again? It’s not enough that you bother your little brother but you need to push the neighbors around too? Get inside the house! It’s dinner, bath, and then you’re in your room for the night!” The color drained from the face of my 11-year-old son. Immediately I knew I owed him an apology but he obediently listened to my command, walked past me and into the house. He served himself dinner, took a shower, and went to his room. I have to admit, I was afraid to face him. Once I had calmed down, I realized that I had embarrassed him in front of two of his friends. After a few minutes, I gathered my strength and knocked on his door. “Yosef, I need to apologize for what I did today,” I softly said to my son. “Mommy, you didn’t even know what happened. I didn’t push him down. Another kid did and I was there to help him. When you said that to me outside, I was so embarrassed! I didn’t even want to explain it. I just wanted to leave. Why did you say that to me in front of everyone? Why did you say I had to take a bath? Why do you always say things that embarrass me in front of my friends?” I don’t need to get into the rest of the conversation. It was painful, to say the least because I had no explanation except for the fact that I was tired and stressed out. I came to the realization that I have to be more careful with the way I speak. I don’t mean to embarrass my children. I simply don’t take their feelings into account as much as I should. Once I began to pay more attention to the reactions on my children’s faces after calling them out publicly, I started to notice that I did the same to friends and acquaintances as well. Whether it was a slight joke at someone’s expense or calling someone a nickname from childhood, I learned from reading others’ reactions how to be more sensitive. As a result, I feel I have gained more trust with my family and friends. I have also gained a better understanding of myself and the tools to help me navigate relationships more effectively, especially during stressful situations. Discussion Question Options: How can one be careful not to cause others embarrassment? Do most people embarrass others out of frustration and impatience or sheer innocence? Why do people often feel that children are numb to the effects of shame and embarrassment? What is the appropriate action to take upon hearing someone was embarrassed by something you said? Stretch of the Week: This week when speaking with any child or student, make sure all guidance and rebuke come in the form of private conversation.

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: Give someone a well meaning compliment without any other motivation than to perform the mitzva of loving another Jew.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: “Do not place a stumbling block before the blind” (Vayikra 19:14). In addition to the plain meaning of these words, this passuk teaches us that we may not do anything to cause another person to sin. It is even forbidden to make it easier for him to sin. Children should be trained in this mitzva from a young age. It is important to instill in them, mainly by example, a feeling of genuine caring for other Jews. As they grow up, that concern for others will expand to include a hope for their fellow’s spiritual success. As a result, they will do whatever they can to help others grow in their Yiddishkeit and certainly will not take action that might cause someone else to make a mistake. (Mishpetei Hashalom 11:1, 33)Classic examples of Lifnei Iver cited in the Gemara are not handing a nazir a cup of wine and not giving eiver-min-hachai (meat from a live animal) to a non-Jew, if they would not otherwise have had access to these items that are forbidden to them. In both of these cases though, we are not forcing them to sin; we are making the opportunity more readily available and are therefore responsible for causing them to stumble.Although the primary issur of Lifnei Iver applies only when the offender would not have been able to violate the issur without our help, we are still forbidden to help him even in a case where he can violate the issur on his own. We derive this from The mitzva of “Do not follow after the multitude to do evil” (Shemos 23:2), which the Shaarei Teshuvah explains to mean that we may not assist a sinner in any way.If we see someone doing a prohibited act, such as tending his garden onShabbos, we are not allowed to wish him success in his endeavor, even if we aredoing so simply as an expected gesture of politeness. (Mishpetei HaShalom 11:8-9, 13)(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) I am the type of person who gives into pressure easily. I’ve been working oncreating boundaries for myself nearly all of my adult life, yet haven’t developedenough inner strength to combat peer pressure when it mounts. Pleasing otherstakes priority over my self-restraint. One avenue I feel particularly challenged in iswith my shidduchim and the difficulty in deciding how much to discuss with myfriends. I’ve always been taught that this is one of the areas of life one should notconverse freely with even with the best of friends. Intellectually, I understand this;yet, emotionally, I can’t seem to pass the test. When I do have a date, my friendswill call and ask for all the details and not just the nice pleasant ones but theuncomfortable information that is really nobody else’s business.One day, I returned from a shidduch and my friend Bina phoned. As usual, sheinquired how it went. I told her it was okay and tried to end the conversationthere. Bina is the type of friend who wants to know everything. I try to stay clear ofher, but somehow she has a way of preying on weaker people like me to extractinformation that really should be left alone. Her technique is to push and push untilI feel I have no choice but to give her the information she desires so she’ll leave me alone. I know this is wrong on my part but I feel stuck. She knew that I was going on a third date with this person and recently caught wind that many girls had refused to go out with him after the third date for some particular reason. I had just become aware of this during my third date with him as well. I felt veryuncomfortable knowing this piece of information yet knew it was my obligation tokeep it quiet. I also knew that building a home based on trust and respect was apillar in laying a foundation for a bayis ne’eman. Bina heard there was somethingfishy about this young man and instantly pried and pressured me to divulge theinformation. I feel extremely uncomfortable right now because after trying andtrying to keep quiet and explaining to her that I had no right to share thisinformation, I gave in. I feel so upset with myself now and know there was abreach of trust but felt so pressured by her persistence in trying to convince methat she could help me with my decision whether to continue seeing him or to call it off. There is no end to this story yet. I feel as though HaShem sent me a test to see if I could learn once and for all to keep my mouth closed but because of this friend, I keep failing. I do know that I am fully responsible for my own behavior but having a friend like Bina makes it all the more difficult for me. I do try to steer clear of her but for various reasons it’s not always possible given my certain set of circumstances.If I had one message to share it would be to have a consciousness of who you are associating with and how your behavior will affect them. Some are born with internal strength and are not tempted to give in to others opinions and influences. However, there are others like myself who struggle with the need to apply courage even with the best of friends. In my heart I know that I am accountable to HaShem and to Him only. I believe I have been sent friends like Bina in order to help me gain strength and prove to myself that I can do what is right despite what they may try to sway me to do. I

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: Make it a point to verbally wish others well this week. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: HaShem (G-d) is well aware of the pain a person feels when he has been hurt and the pleasure that accompanies getting back at the perpetrator. Nevertheless, the Torah commands us, “Do not take revenge”(Vayikra 19:18). The Torah tells us not to take revenge and also specifies not to “bear a grudge”. We are expected to erase the memory of what happened from our heart, wipe away hard feelings and treat the other person as if nothing ever happened. If the Torah demands such conduct, then, while it may be a challenge, it is definitely possible. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) Deena and I initially met at the playground. From the first moment we knew we’d be best friends forever. We shared similar interests and relied on each other for social support in every situation throughout elementary and middle school. I wasn’t a born leader, nor particularly outgoing, pretty, or smart, but, by high school, Deena had blossomed into a virtual magnet. Wherever she was, the action swirled. Whenever a position of leadership was needed for drama, choir, special trips, etc., she was chosen. Teachers and principals witnessed the social forces that ultimately served to divide girls into different social groups (“the cool ones”, the “studious ones”, and the “in betweens”). They tried to intervene and, while their efforts were somewhat helpful, all social circles predictably shifted back to their original positions over time. Initially, Deena would wave to me on occasion but eventually all signs of communication ended, as if we shared no history. She never attempted to bring me into her inner circle or invite me to social outings or parties. I struggled to fit in socially when I really could have used her help. A few years passed and I came to accept being excluded. While it was no longer crushing to my self-esteem, the pain was still very much there. As time went on, both of us got married and moved forward with our lives. As it happened, we eventually sent our children to the same schools and found our lives intertwining once again. A few weeks into one school year Deena gave a presentation to the women of the local PTA about a topic that was very dear to her. During her lecture she requested feedback as to whether she should alter and improve her remarks. I thought about sending her a note sharing how much I disliked the speech and felt she was not the best representative to disseminate the information. The best part about this idea was that it could all be anonymous! This was my opportunity to repay a fraction of the pain she had caused me over the years. I could finally kick over the pedestal so firmly placed underneath her that still somehow made me feel so small. I sat and thought about Deena’s speech. It was actually pretty well written. She did come across quite poised and her inner ability as a born leader was quite apparent. I began to reexamine my initial desire to subtly insult her. Was I acting on childhood pain that should perhaps be revisited from a more mature mindset? I began to wonder how many other people I may have subconscious negative feelings about and how this affects my behavior towards them. Although I had the chance to be vengeful I decided to challenge myself to approach the situation from a different perspective. I sat and wrote Deena a beautiful note about how effective her speech was, how I felt she was very gifted at lecturing, and that I missed the relationship we shared so many years ago. I then decided to hand deliver it to her house. I was truly surprised when Deena’s husband answered the door and expressed his relief at someone making the effort to provide feedback on her lecture. He told me that not one woman from the audience had said anything to her afterwards or called her and that she was feeling depressed. At that second, it hit me like a flash of lightning. I always felt I needed other people’s positive opinions to validate my existence and so did Deena! Deena called me later, thanked me profusely and asked for my opinion about another matter. Slowly we began to rebuild a deep and fulfilling friendship. I think that performing an act of kindness on her behalf, especially given our complicated relationship, created an opening for her to make herself vulnerable and share her true self. Although I had such a ripe opportunity to take revenge, I chose the high road. As a result, I learned that when I make the effort to stretch and grow, it quietly yet powerfully empowers others to follow suit and be “big” in their own way. Discussion Questions: In general, is it better to discuss old grudges with the person one is upset with or to keep it in the past and not deal with it? Is it common for people to bear grudges they are not aware of? Do people justify bearing a grudge by claiming that they need to teach the other person a lesson? If so, is this effective? Stretch of the Week: Choose one person for whom you bear a grudge and think of ways you can allow yourself to forgive them by focusing on their positive traits.

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: Choose one person for whom you bear a grudge and think of ways you can allow yourself to forgive them by focusing on their positive traits.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: The Torah forbids us to curse any Jew, as it says: “Do not curse the nation, for they are blessed” (Bamidbar 22:12). This refers to a man or woman, child or adult, or even oneself, with or without using HaShem’s (G-d’s) Name. We learn from this that our words wield great power, whether for good or for bad. One obvious reason it is prohibited to curse is to prevent the negative feelings that would result if the person who was cursed knew about it. The Rambam wrote that the reason for this prohibition is to serve to protect the spiritual state of the one uttering the curse so that he should not accustom himself to losing his temper or taking revenge. (The Rambam does not mention anything about the possible damage to the one he is cursing, implying that the curse itself does not actually cause harm.) The Sefer HaChinuch differs with the Rambam, pointing out that all nations and cultures are concerned about the effects of the curse of an ordinary person. By prohibiting us from uttering a curse, the Torah prevents us from causing harm to another person. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) (This story does not directly illustrate the mitzva of not cursing another person. Rather, the emphasis is placed upon the transformative impact of blessings and positive speech.) I didn’t grow up religious, yet I had a very wholesome and happy childhood. My parents are extremely moral and raised me to genuinely care about others. When I stumbled upon Judaism I discovered that many of the traditional beliefs and values were those with which I was raised. However, there were others that were different. One area that was new to me was how Judaism expects us to relate to the concept of speech. As I was growing up I generally observed people saying what was on their mind without really considering the consequences. It’s hard to even describe what I mean except to illustrate my experience with my biological family on the day of my wedding. Prior to my wedding, I studied Jewish marital laws and customs with a female teacher who was experienced in teaching engaged women in observant communities. I learned that brides traditionally give blessings to others on their wedding day. I didn’t give this much thought until I attended my first religious wedding shortly before my own. As I wished mazel tov to the bride, she showered me with blessings and good wishes. This touched me so deeply, making me feel so special that I resolved to do the same for the guests at my own wedding. Our wedding day arrived and, as I sat on my throne greeting our guests, I gave each individual a personalized blessing. I looked into the eyes of each person who approached me and prayed that all of their desires would be fulfilled for good. I knew that my words were especially powerful on my wedding day and wanted to use this power to impact others in a positive way. After the wedding, a few of my secular relatives shared that the reception (kabalas panim) was their favorite part of the wedding. They said that I had made them feel so special and cared for because of the blessings I had given them. They commented that they’d never seen this sort of ritual before and were absolutely delighted by it. I told them that even though a bride has a special opportunity to bless others, anyone has the ability to bless another person at any time. I emphasized that our words really have the power to create positive energy in the world. This was an aspect of spirituality they had never thought about before. I see that not only do my words truly have influence; they really can make (or break) someone’s day. To see beyond my own life and be able to wish another well truly creates a sense of goodness and deep connection between people that I only discovered once I realized the true impact of my words. Discussion Questions: If it became common practice for us to bless others how would this impact the Jewish people? How is the concept of “not cursing” applicable to the average person? What character traits are behind an individual who curses other people? Do most people feel their words are powerful or are “just words”? Would people be more careful with their speech if they realized its impact? Stretch of the Week: Make it a point to verbally wish others well this week

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make it a point to verbally wish others well this week.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Anyone who sees another Jew violating an issur and flatters him, whether with words or some gesture that indicates his approval, or even if he remains silent and does not reprove him for the sin, has transgressed not only the mitzvah of tochacha, but also according to some opinions the prohibition of flattery, derived from the passuk: “V’lo Sachanifu es Ho’oretz asher atem bo, Do not sully the land with flattery” (Bamidbar 35:33). By implying that we approve of the sinner’s misdeeds, our allegiance to HaShem comes under question, since a servant cannot love his master if he loves his master’s enemies. Flattery that is prohibited includes: praising resha’im (wicked ones) or wickedness, praising someone in a way that will cause him to sin or will reinforce his error, “buttering up” someone so that he will trust you and you can then deceive him, and praising your child or other relative when he or she is doing wrong. But there are times when flattery can be used for constructive purposes. In such cases flattery isn’t only permissible but is even considered a mitzva. For example, we may flatter our spouse in order to promote shalom bayis and flatter our students and colleagues to smooth the way for them to accept our tochacha and, as a result, improve their mitzva observance and Torah study. Flattering a rebbe to get him to teach you Torah is also clearly for a positive purpose. It is also permitted to flatter a creditor to stop him from exerting pressure on us, and to flatter the rich, even if it is purely for the sake of gaining benefit from them.However, as a general rule it is advisable to stay away from flattery. In fact, even though we may praise a person lavishly when he is not present, we should avoid praising him too much in his presence, even if we mean every word we say, because to others our words may appear as empty flattery. A habit related to flattery that should also be avoided is hypocrisy. The hypocrite makes a false show of being a tzaddik or a talmid chacham, when inside he is in fact far from that image. Similarly, a person should not say one thing when he means another. (Mishpetei Hashalom 10:7-8)(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) I was standing in line waiting to buy school supplies for my children in a store frequented by most of the families in our community when I overheard a loud conversation between a few mothers discussing their children’s newly assigned teachers.“Can you believe my daughter has THAT teacher? I can’t imagine she’d be able to control this class,” one mother exclaimed.“Well I guess you didn’t hear who my son’s rebbe is. Just our luck!” another answered. Being new in the community I had a deep desire to feel a part of the action. I wanted to feel a part of this conversation, especially since this was something that involved me and my children. I imagined that being included in this chat would supply me with a feeling of being one of the “in” crowd. I believed that their opinion would and could cause ripple effects throughout the community’s opinions. With this faulty thought process I made the mistake of blurting out,“Well, I think my daughter has the youngest teacher in the school, Miss Blank. Such a little teeny bopper! How in the world could she possibly know how to control a class with no experience?”Within seconds, all the so called ‘important women’ looked over at me and emitted an audible groan or odd giggle. They then turned and continued on their merry way selecting their childrens’ pencils, notebooks and rulers. Lesson #21 As I waited in line to pay for my children’s supplies I watched as all the other women chatted and laughed together again. I stood there feeling alone. I wished I was a part of their conversation. I wished I was accepted by them as one of the crowd. But then I asked myself, what price am I willing to pay for that feeling of acceptance? I attempted to join their conversation by joining in with ridiculing and making fun of teachers just to fool myself into feeling like I was one of them. Is this what I should stoop to do? I knew deep down inside myself that I didn’t need to be a part of a social circle that talks behind others’ backs. I would never feel at ease listening or speaking with such people – who am I kidding? I don’t need to connect myself to people who are doing something wrong and join them just so I can feel like I have friends? Later, I did feel a tinge of guilt about my immature slip, so I decided to phone an old wise friend to discuss the issue. After an hour of complaining about not having any friends and wanting terribly to feel I belonged, my good buddy successfully pointed out to me that I may want to re-assess my model for achieving true friendship. When she illustrated that to try to connect with other women through complaining, accusing, expressing dissatisfaction, and kvetching, it became so obvious that this wasn’t the appropriate way to achieve fulfillment in friendship – or any good standing in the community. To be a truly strong individual means to stand up to your values and beliefs and not sell yourself short even when feeling low and in need.I reflected upon other incidents in which I most likely fall prey to this concept such as ridiculing the Rav’s speech on Shabbos with a group of women or joining others to bitterly complain about tuition – even though I fully understood

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: Pay close attention to your words to ensure that you aren’t “stretching the truth” out of laziness or convenience. One night this week, think about your day to assess how you did. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: One of the three categories to describe people despised by G-d (HaShem) is someone who says things that he does not feel in his heart. We are not allowed to speak in an insincere or manipulative manner. Rather, what we show on the outside should reflect how we feel on the inside; our words should be a mirror of our heart. If we mislead our friend, giving him the impression that we’ve done him a favor or spoken highly of him when we did not really do so, we are guilty of misrepresentation, or g’naivas da’as. There are varying rabbinical opinions regarding the source of this violation, defining it as an offshoot of theft (g’naiva), falsehood (sheker), or causing pain with words (o’na’a). The prohibition of misrepresentation may be violated without saying a single word. Even if we mislead someone through our deeds, or remain silent when we should have spoken up, we are guilty of transgressing this prohibition. This applies to monetary matters as well, such as deceiving someone in a business exchange by concealing a defect in the item being sold, even if the final price is not more than the accepted price for a defective item. Verbal misrepresentation is also prohibited, such as falsely giving a friend the impression that we are doing him a favor or that we are speaking up on his behalf, causing him to feel obligated to us without reason. Intentionally misleading someone in regard to our deeds or intentions toward him is forbidden as well. For example, we should not beg a friend to join us for a meal or to accept a gift when we are certain that he will not do so. When we do this, we put the other person in a position of feeling grateful to us when there is no reason for him to feel that way. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) My friend Rina and I were chatting at her oldest son’s bar mitzva. The tablecloths, the flowers, the centerpieces and the sparkling china were perfectly coordinated with her daughters’ dresses and the ties of her husband and youngest son. Suddenly Rina’s attention turned toward the front door of the hall. “Oh, Shira, I’m so thrilled to see you!” Rina gushed to her cousin who had just arrived. “You’ve made my evening! I’ve been standing at the front door just waiting for you to arrive. Your presence has literally made my night! Let me seat you with the rest of the cousins!” After Rina helped Shira get settled with the rest of her family she returned to the conversation she was having with me. I was surprised by the degree of enthusiasm Rina had shown toward Shira as she had shared with me many times that the two of them weren’t exactly on speaking terms. I was impressed that Rina had been able to put aside any negative feelings and repair their relationship. “I’m happy to see that you’ve made up with Shira,” I remarked. “Made up?” screeched Rina. “I hate that girl with a passion! I can’t stand her now and never really could. I just want to make sure they write a generous check for my son’s bar mitzva since they have so much money. What I was saying to her face has nothing to do with how I actually feel about her. My goal is to cash in big time! I’m a brilliant actress, aren’t I?” “Yes, a good actress if you were on stage,” I thought to myself in disgust. In real life, that kind of performance isn’t going to win her an award, just a reputation for being an inauthentic person who misleads others for personal gain. I tried hard not to judge her unfavorably and to use this experience as an opportunity for my own spiritual growth. I firmly believe that sometimes HaShem exposes us to the undesirable behavior of others just to give us a perfect example of something we, as Jews, should never want to do. Discussion Questions: In what ways do people try to give others the impression that they are something they aren’t? How would people gain if they were more straightforward and honest with others? In what ways are people deceptive for financial gain? Stretch of the Week: Every day this week, try to remember to say at least once, “HaShem, You are the only one I need to impress.”

Review: Last week’s Stretch of the week was: Think of someone you tend to argue with and resolve to speak to him/her calmly and reasonably at least three times in a row. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Halacha: Judaism teaches us to “Stay far away from falsehood” (Shemos 23:7). The Torah did not find it sufficient to use the more common wording of “tishmor”, meaning, “guard yourself.” When it comes to falsehood (sheker), we must steer clear of anything related to it as this trait is regarded as something repulsive. When a person speaks words of sheker he violates this positive commandment even if he only includes some falsehood in a true report and even if the words are literally true but their implication is false. Sheker includes saying things that can be construed in two different ways, when our intention is to mislead others into believing the false interpretation of our words. The only time this may be permissible is in a case where we are allowed to bend the truth for the sake of peace. Similarly, if we say things that are true but deliberately omit crucial details so that the report will be interpreted falsely, this too is considered to be sheker even though the words we uttered were absolutely correct. (Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story) As usual I was in a rush to get the kids to school and had no time for their petty arguments. “Get in the car! Let’s go already!” I exclaimed, trying to buckle the little ones into their car seats. As I navigated through the neighborhood picking up all the rest of the children on our carpool route, I heard my phone ring. “Hi Sarah! I should be there in a few minutes. I just need to drop the kids off and then I’ll pick you up.” She asked me another question and before I knew it we were in a longer conversation. Unbeknownst to me, there was a police officer watching me from behind with flashing lights. “Uh-oh!” I said to the kids in the car. “It looks like I may be in trouble.” Before I knew it, I was summoned to pull over to the side of the road for speeding and the officer asked if I had been using a hand-held cell phone. Sensing that the officer hadn’t noticed that I was, I told him that I had a phone but put it down. Now this was literally the truth because I put it down when I saw the flashing lights, but I knew that wasn’t really true. I was guilty and should have admitted it then, especially in front of a car full of children. The officer took my word for it, gave me a ticket for speeding and I was on my way to school with a sinking feeling in my stomach. The next day, I was washing dishes when my children ran into the house asking if they could buy ices from our next-door neighbors. I told them if they cleaned up all the toys in the family room, I’d give them money to buy ices. Twenty minutes later, I saw my little son crying outside. After asking him why he was upset, he said that one of my older daughters had promised him some candy if he’d clean the family room. He worked so hard and when he was finally finished, he told my daughter that he was done and asked for the candy. My daughter told him that she was kidding and she didn’t really have any candy but when she got some, she would be sure to give him a piece. I was disgusted with my daughter. How could she be so callous, and deceitful to a little boy? How could she mislead him and lie like that? At that moment, I knew how. I remembered the day before as it came rushing through my head. Hadn’t I just done something very similar? Hadn’t I lied because I was too afraid to deal with the truth and own up to the consequences of my actions? I realized that, while I never intentionally do anything malicious, I am guilty of bending the truth to avoid strife or discomfort. After witnessing my own child lying, I committed to reassess my reaction to uncomfortable situations. I want to focus on being an honest person and I trust that it will affect my family and all of my relationships positively. Discussion Questions: In what ways are people deceptive because they want to escape blame or don’t want to keep a commitment? Is it dishonest to give others the impression that you’re something you really aren’t? How do people do this? When are people not deceptive when they really should be? Stretch of the Week: Pay close attention to your words to ensure that you aren’t “stretching the truth” out of laziness or convenience. One night this week, think about your day to assess how you did.