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Unity Lesson #1 Harmony Quarrels and angry exchanges have the power to mess up enjoyable times.  Celebrations and festivals are marred by lack of peace.  Vacations can be spoiled, even ruined, by arguments over petty and inconsequential details.  Shouting matches replace happiness, enjoyment, and relaxation with negative energy. Peace is a prerequisite for enjoying celebrations, festivals and vacations.  The more special the occasion, the greater the damage caused by lack of peace. During enjoyable times, you will have to answer the following question for yourself:  “Is it worthwhile to choose words and actions that will create distress now?”  Put in this form, we will often see clearly that we would be wise to refrain from words and actions that will cause or prolong an unpleasant argument or quarrel. Even on a regular, average day we will have much to appreciate and for which to be grateful.  We can make enjoyable times our standard state.  And, since we have this choice, isn’t it wiser to do what we can to sustain the positive instead of choosing words and actions that will create negativity?  You can create an inner message:  “Choose words and actions of peace and harmony and make the most of your present moments.” (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders, ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) You really think that?” my brother-in-law Shmuel asked.  He had that surprised, slightly accusing tone that makes you feel like melting through the floor.  And, I knew we had made a mistake. I was sitting at the Shabbos table with my sister-in-law and my new brother-in-law, thrilled to be hosting them for the first time.  Until now, my husband Avraham’s sister had lived across the country and was rarely a part of our lives.  Now, they had moved to our town, and we were looking forward to seeing them often and really getting to know them. It had been going so nicely.  Avraham loved being near his sister, and her husband Shmuel was a friendly and open guy.  We seemed to just fall into the relaxed comfort of easy conversation.  We were lingering over dessert after my kids had gone to sleep when the elections came up. Avraham and I have been living in our town for many years, and almost everyone here holds pretty similar political views.  So when a particular candidate’s statement was mentioned, Avraham casually said, “I still can’t believe he would say that-even with his party’s misguided philosophy.  This position borders on crazy, right?”  I agreed, and we just assumed that our counterparts would agree and join in; all our friends did, as did our parents. But that’s not what happened.  What happened was, “You really think that?” followed by an explanation of several missteps in the party we supported.  My sister-in-law nodded along, looking back and forth between her new husband and her brother. It turned out that Shmuel was definitively for the other side of the argument.  His views were as much a given to him as ours were to us, and as he and Avraham looked at each other, I could feel them sizing each other up.  While I could see on Avraham’s face that he had something to say, he acknowledged Shmuel’s views and we moved on. Later that night, Avraham and I talked about trying to make sure that any talk of politics was non-confrontational, without criticizing anyone’s views or making assumptions.  But Avraham felt that wasn’t enough.  He held to his views strongly and clearly so did Shmuel.  There was a lot of emotion in the room that could make keeping an even, respectful tone difficult.  So we decided to try to avoid talking politics.  It wasn’t necessary, so why bring it up?  If it came up, we would try to change the subject. For the rest of the weekend, and for the visits that followed, this is what happened.  It turned out not just on our side–I noticed my sister-in-law and Shmuel doing it too.  We never discussed it with each other, but somehow, both couples came to the same conclusion:  We like you, we like spending time with you, we are family, and there is nothing to be gained from these conversations but hurt feelings, animosity and lowered impressions of each other.  We have so many common goals-we will focus on those.  And that’s what we did because shalom was more important. Discussion Questions: What types of speech and actions that can be avoided can cause negative feelings and arguments in our interactions with others? Why do we sometimes continue to assert our point of view, or to say or do things that make others who are with us upset?  How can family relationships play into this?  Other relationships? What can we do to recognize and minimize actions or speech that cause negative feelings?  How can we determine what to stop and what remains necessary? Stretch of the Week: Identify a topic that tends to cause disagreement with someone and doesn’t need to be brought up, and try to avoid it.

UNITY Lesson #2 What’s Really Important in Your Life? We are all prone to have conflicts of interest with others.  Even the youngest of children will quarrel over toys, over the largest portion of ice cream, over who gets to sit where.  Even though the young children might quarrel passionately, adults look at these quarrels and view them as trivial and petty. The most important questions each of us needs to answer are, “What are you living for?  What is the purpose of your life?”  And, this brings us to the question, “What’s really important in your life?”  From this viewpoint, most quarrels are over trivial matters.  From a mature, eternal perspective, the quarrels of many adults are not that far from the quarrels of two young children over a small toy. When you are aware of what is really important in your life, you will be much calmer when you discuss and negotiate conflicts of interest.  Trivial matters will be seen as trivial.  Solutions still need to be found, but you will find it easier to maintain your composure.  Your peaceful patterns will influence the other person to be more peaceful also. When we look back at arguments and quarrels fought a number of years ago, we see them much differently than we did when we first experienced them.  In hindsight, we have a greater sense of perspective.  The more life experience we have, the greater our awareness of the loss and harm of quarrels and the benefit of peaceful interactions. So before getting involved in a quarrel, ask yourself:  “Compared to my ultimate purpose in life, how important is this?  From the perspective of eternity, is it worth spending my time now on this quarrel?  How can I refine my character while I search for a mutually acceptable solution?  Will I regret that I did not quarrel now when I eventually look back at my entire life?” (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders,ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) It felt like a cliché, like hundreds of stories had been written about it and thousands of school children were taught about it as a basic lesson.  And yet here it was, making me feel petty but indignant.  I was upset by where I had been seated at a bar mitzva meal. It was for my son’s oldest boy, a wonderful young man who had done a beautiful job in shul and with the speech he had just completed.  I turned in my seat to congratulate my son and daughter-in-law, but I was reminded that they weren’t at my table.  They were sitting with my daughter-in-law’s parents, who together with my son and his immediate family, filled out all eight seats. I know.  It’s ridiculous to be upset, and I should focus on the simcha of the day and on my grandson and on all my daughter-in-law does for him, my son, and their other children.  But logic like this always reminds me of my parents telling a young me to eat the peas I hated because there were starving children in China.  I still had a problem–I hated peas.  And yes, the simcha was beautiful, and I was not about to ruin it by saying anything to my son or daughter-in-law, but I still felt it in my heart.  My in-laws were seated with my son’s family, as they had also been the night before, and we were again, seated at a different table. I smiled.  I hugged people and accepted congratulations.  And, later that afternoon I unloaded to my husband about how slighted I felt to be sat apart in favor of the in-laws twice on the same Shabbos.  He didn’t want to hear it.  “I’m not thrilled either, but they must have had a good reason, and that’s that,” he said, leaving me to stew on my own.  I could think of several reasons.  My in-laws lived in a different town, so we saw the kids much more often.  My daughter-in-law’s father got offended very easily and let it be known, so she may have been trying to avoid conflict.  But none of them were a good enough reason to put us off to the side for every meal without even addressing the issue.  Kibbud av va’eim required that we be shown respect as well. I let myself stew for an hour.  I’m human, and allowed to be upset.  Then I picked myself up, and in my best mental voice I told myself, “You were right the first time; don’t let this ruin the simcha.  You will have to change your thoughts or you will ruin your mood, which will ruin things for you and possibly others, because it’s hard to hide such an angry face.  And, you don’t actually want to hate your daughter-in-law, do you?”  So I walked myself out of my home and over to my son’s house and offered to watch the younger kids so my daughter-in-law could rest or spend some quiet time with her mother.  Change your actions, change your thoughts, right?  I got a large genuine smile in return, and found myself returning it. Many months later, I did find out the reasons.  They were understandable ones, not too far from my guesses.  It still didn’t seem like quite enough, though the apology that came along with the explanations helped.  But I resolved that it wouldn’t matter.  People can sometimes only see the problem directly in front of them, solve it, and miss the negative effects that the solution may have on others who seem less involved.  It’s human nature, and not done out of lack of caring.  And, as long as I remind myself to see it as such, I will not feel slighted, and can continue to care for the people in my life, oversights and all. Discussion Questions: How can we maintain perspective about which conflicts are more trivial and which are more significant?  Is our level of hurt a helpful indicator? How can we decide whether to try to solve a problem or whether to let it go? What strategies can we use to maintain respect and perspective while we negotiate a conflict? Stretch of the Week: Identify something that bothers you, and think

Unity Lesson #3 Understanding Even If You Don’t Agree If you find yourself in a disagreement or quarrel with another person, your first step should be to try to understand him from his point of view. What usually happens is that both parties start by trying to convince the other side to change position.  “I am right and you are wrong,” is the way to summarize the first step that is commonly used. When you try to understand why someone thinks the way he does, you might find that you agree with some of the things that he is saying.  You might find that you weren’t aware of all the facts.  You might find that the other person has made assumptions that you can easily show are not valid.  And, when you show understanding of the other person’s position, he will usually be more open to understanding your position. Some people are concerned, “If I try to understand the other person’s position, he might assume that I agree with him.”  Of course, he might.  But then you can explain that even though you understand him you still disagree. When you understand why a person thinks, speaks or acts the way he does, you will find it easier to work out peaceful solutions.  The very act of being understood will usually influence the emotional state of the other person.  He is likely to become calmer.  Being calm, he will tend to become more reasonable. To gain greater understanding, say, “Why do you think the way you do?”  When the person does start explaining, listen to what he has to say.  There is often a strong tendency to keep interrupting him and arguing.  Remember that your goal is to understand him.  Wait until he is finished explaining before you present your own case. (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders,ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) I was ready to hang up my shadchan hat for good.  Meeting with man after man throughout the day, hearing their endless requests for ‘Miss Perfection’ was really starting to make me crazy.  Were these guys anywhere as perfect as what they felt they needed in a wife?  Did they think about how they looked, what they said, what they wore and how they acted in every interaction like the hundreds of young ladies I had come to know, love and respect?  But today, I just thought I’d lose it.  Today’s young man walked in, gave the same speech I knew I’d hear and then ended with, “I know you may not like this but I’ll only go out with someone if I’ve seen a photo of her first”.  “What?” I blurted out. “Please don’t judge me.  I know it sounds very arrogant but it’s the only thing that makes sense for me.” I politely ended the meeting, thanked him for coming and told myself, “Well, THAT boy will never get a date from me!!”  Who do these boys think they are?  Besides, is it really even appropriate to be looking around at photos of these young women?  I felt personally violated on their behalf. I spoke with another shadchan friend of mine later that night about this and she said she felt the same way at first.  But, after really sitting down and hearing one of these guys out, she came to understand their point of view. “Listen, most of the guys that I meet come in from out of town.  They have to take off time from college, Yeshiva or work.  They are at the beginning of their careers and money is often very tight.  Their vacation days are limited.  Sometimes they are extremely self aware of their likes and dislikes.  Most of them are aware that it could be offensive but when I actually sat down to listen and hear what they had to say, I came around to understanding their predicament.  I can’t say I necessarily agree but I am more understanding if they do make the request and don’t jump to judge them.” Well, maybe she had a point.  It didn’t feel good always thinking negatively about these young men and the truth is with a son coming of age in a year or so, I was a bit more understanding. Discussion Questions: Do I have anything to lose by agreeing that the person I disagree with “has a point”? What can we do to calm a person down to be open to listening to our side of an argument? When a person can’t understand the viewpoint of someone else, what character trait is a person lacking? Stretch of the Week: When having a disagreement with someone, be sure to state what you think the other person is saying.

Unity Lesson #4 Who is an Honorable Person? A major underlying issue in many quarrels is that people feel that the other person didn’t treat them with the proper respect.  The specific details of the quarrel are trivial compared to the fundamental need to be treated with respect. “Who is an honorable person?” say the Sages (Pirkei Avos 4:1).  “The one who shows honor and respect to others.”  That is, your honor and respect do not depend on how others treat you.  Rather, the more honor and respect that you express to others, the more honorable you yourself are.  We all want to be treated with basic respect.  As we internalize the essential message of the Sages, we will decrease our concern about how others treat us and we will increase our concern about how we treat others. Be an honorable person.  Show honor and respect in words and actions to others.  Make this such an integral part of who you are that this is your spontaneous way of speaking and acting.  Respect starts with your thoughts.  Realize that each person is created in the Almighty’s image.  Each person has a soul with great potential.  Each person has qualities that can be respected. The more difficult it is to treat someone with respect, the more honorable you are.  Let this motivate you to experience an inner respect to even the most challenging people with whom you interact.  Even if you haven’t treated someone with the respect due to each human and are already in the midst of a quarrel, by accessing a respectful way of thinking, speaking and acting you will be able to  find a solution to quarrels that arise. (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders,ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) Patience may be a virtue but somehow I was granted very little of it.  Whether it was from some childhood experience, my desire for perfection or a nature that is hyper sensitive to time, I struggle with my ability to wait for others to get things done.  I used to pride myself on it.  The phrase “If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it” could have been coined for me.  Honestly, I probably would not even have realized there was an issue with my attitude had a particular incident not happened. We started talking about the holiday party at work when someone remarked, “I think we should put Mindy in charge.  She’s great at getting everyone involved…even if things don’t end up being perfect.”  What was THAT supposed to mean?  Wasn’t I the one who organized everything around here?  Didn’t I make sure that we were never out of supplies, kept everything in place and ensured meetings ran on time?  I tried to conceal my hurt feelings but I guess faking isn’t one of my strong virtues either. “Mindy?” I questioned to myself.  “Why would they want Mindy over me?”  Mindy was a really easy going type who always made others feel good but she was also a bit scatter brained.  She didn’t have such an eye for fashion but was able to pull an outfit together in her own unique way. The woman who suggested that Mindy run the party called me later on that night. “Hi…I noticed you were a little quiet today and I just wanted to explain myself.  You are always so good about organizing all the office parties but I felt that we should give Mindy a chance also” she explained. I wasn’t taking that for an answer.  I felt there was more to the story and I let her know. “Okay, well honestly, I’ll tell you because I care about you and you probably should know this anyway.  Somehow after people interact with Mindy, they end up feeling good about themselves.  She always points out their positive qualities and is sensitive to others’ insecurities.  Even though things may not run as smoothly as if you were in charge, I think everyone appreciates the good feelings she exudes while getting the job done.” This conversation happened a year ago.  I have learned and noticed a lot about myself since then.  In my drive to “finish” and maintain my reputation as “the productive one” I often ended up subtly slighting others and speaking disrespectfully.  Even though I do enjoy finishing a task on time and being known as the competent one, I now try to stay focused on the overall goal of respecting others so everyone feels appreciated and acknowledged. Discussion Questions: How can one deal with people who aren’t as competent as they’d like without disrespecting them? How should we approach someone who speaks disrespectfully to others without the awareness of the ramifications of their words? Have you ever had the experience of speaking with respect to someone you don’t like and then come to like them? Stretch of the Week: Notice and comment on the good qualities of a person whom you may not be fond of.

Unity Lesson #5 My Partner in Personal Growth View people with whom you are likely to quarrel as your partners in personal growth.  They are likely to make you more aware of your vulnerabilities, limitations, and mistakes.  Don’t let this get you down.  Rather, let it serve as your coach.  You now have more awareness of what you need to strengthen, fix, and keep on developing. Your partner in personal growth will be able to point out ways that you are improving.  Even if he doesn’t explicitly give you positive feedback, you yourself will be able to notice your progress.  Keep noticing when you are able to remain calmer, even though you would prefer that he speak differently.  Keep noticing when you speak in ways that are more conducive to getting along better. There is a level of kindness that is known as chesed shel emes, that is, kindness of truth.  This is a kindness that you do totally unconditionally, a kindness you do for someone who won’t be able to pay you back in any way.  Acting kindly towards someone who will do you favors in return is still an act of kindness but when you gain absolutely nothing from an act of kindness, that kindness is pure and more elevated.  If you speak and act with kindness towards someone with whom you lack peace, your kindness is an act of personal growth.  In this manner, this person serves as your partner to help you develop spiritually. Viewing a potential adversary as your partner in personal growth will automatically make you feel better towards this person.  The more progress you make in treating this person better, the more likely it is that you will also notice that this person is treating you better.  And, even if you don’t see progress on the other person’s part towards you, you are still growing. (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders,ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) “Oh my goodness!!  I can’t believe this mess!” I blurted out upon entering my minivan that was just returned by my neighbor, Hanna. who had borrowed it to do carpool. “What happened in here?” I exclaimed as I noticed Cheerios all over the floor and empty chip bags on the seats. This was the same neighbor who borrowed tools without returning them and left her kids playing at my house for inordinate amounts of time. I grew up with a solid foundation in appreciating boundaries, limits and personal space.  I’m really careful to teach my children about social cues and niceties. When we go to friends for dinner, we always bring a gift.  When I borrow someone’s car, I’ll replace the gas I used.  My husband knows that it’s not appropriate to make his morning carpool late so he waits by the open door so as not to inconvenience anyone. Hanna had a very different upbringing and is kind of like the “spaced out” type.  She’s very sweet and means no harm whatsoever but her personal awareness skills needed  some help.  After another incident of her borrowing a coat and returning it dirty, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  In exasperation, I turned to my home library for help and found a book on “Dealing with Annoying People”.  The book reinforced the idea that if we’re real about the fact that HaShem runs everything around us then each person put in our path has a purpose in our life.  I thought a lot about this concept and thought that perhaps rather than be annoyed all the time, I could try and help Hanna.  I began to explain, albeit gently, how some of her actions could be misunderstood and suggested certain behaviors she may want to work on.  She was so appreciative and thanked me profusely each time we’d talk.  I, in turn, was extremely humbled by her openness and willingness to see her own mistakes.  She really only wanted to do what was right.  In the end, my once annoying neighbor turned out to be a great role model in growth and humility. Discussion Questions: Why do so many of us have the need to be “right”? How would our relationships change if we walked around with the awareness that HaShem put them in our life for a purpose? Why would people tend to not want to live with this idea? Stretch of the Week: Think in your mind why HaShem would want you to have a particular person in your life.

Unity Lesson #6 Find an Objective Mediator Objective mediators might help you interact better with someone with whom you find communication difficult.  A competent mediator will be able to keep all parties in calmer states.  A competent mediator will be able to clarify each person’s position.  A competent mediator will make editorial suggestions to delete inflammatory remarks and at times explain how to be clearer by being more concise.  A competent mediator will be able to clarify misconceptions and errors. In the presence of a third party both individuals agree to, they will usually be more reasonable.  They will usually talk more respectfully, or at least more calmly.  And if emotions do flare up, by listening and understanding the mediator creates a more constructive atmosphere. Mediators can differ in their approach.  Some are more authoritative and might tell one side they are right and the other side that they are wrong.  When both sides accept the authority of the person they consult, they will resolve the issues between them.  Other mediators view their mandate more as a coach than a judge.  They coach both sides so that a working relationship is created for the mutual benefit of both sides.  If you feel that you can benefit from a mediator, find someone whose approach and style is acceptable to everyone involved. (Reproduced from “Harmony” by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, with permission of the copyright holders,ArtScroll / Mesorah Publications, Ltd.) Story:  (based on a true story) I had always imagined that marriage would be really easy for me.  I come from a warm and nurturing home and don’t have a particularly difficult personality.  My parents rarely argued and when they did it was with a slight sense of humor and there were no bad feelings lingering in the air afterwards. My husband on the other hand grew up in what he would call a “loud” home.  Expression was valued at whatever volume was needed and confrontation was the mode of communication.  He also feels he was raised in a happy atmosphere albeit quite different than mine.  When we were dating, probably the idea of “opposites attract” played a major role in our interest for each other.  Soon after our marriage began, our differences became extremely magnified.  I was used to calm and he was used to loud.  I preferred to mull over issues, he liked to deal with things right away.  I respected privacy, he respected transparency.  One couldn’t say that one life view was right or wrong, just different. When we were engaged, one point that my kalla teacher stressed was the crucial role a Rav should play in our lives.  Having someone who knew both of us and whom we both respected could act as mediator when we came to a dead end in discussing heated topics that we weren’t able to solve on our own.  We discussed the idea and agreed and decided our Rav would be someone we were both close with.  Within one month of our wedding we had an issue we needed help with and several to follow.  This isn’t to say that we call him for any little argument but when we seem to hit a brick wall with a major problem, our Rav is there to help iron out the issues and seek a solution that we’re both comfortable with or at least will respect even if we don’t agree.  I can honestly say that if we didn’t have this Rav as a mediator in our lives, I’m not sure we would have the solid marriage that we have or even if we would still be married!  It’s not always easy allowing an “outsider” in on the troubles we experience but when it comes to keeping peace in our home, no emotional price (or financial for that matter) is too high. Discussion Questions: What type of person would fill the role of mediator the best? Are there some issues that should not be discussed with anyone? How does one go about finding a mediator if one is needed? Stretch of the Week: Consult with a third party on an ongoing issue that doesn’t seem to be getting resolved on its own.