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Lesson #2V’ahavta L’rayacha Kamocha Love Your Fellow Jew as You Love YourselfPart 1 Jewish Law:Maimonides writes: “We are obligated to love every single Jew as we love ourselves”, as the Torah states, V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha – `Love your fellow man as yourself.’ Therefore, we must praise others, and we must care about their money just as we care about our own money and our own dignity. Whoever derives honor from humiliating someone else loses his share in the world to come.” (Hilchos Daios 6:3 )To get a full understanding of the mitzvah (commandment) of ahavas yisrael we first need to define each word separately.What is ahava (love)? Ahava is the pleasure that comes from recognizing the virtues in another person. This recognition leads to a desire to give to the other person.Who are we referring to when we say Yisrael?“All Jews! The Jewish people are all related. Their souls are united, each containing a part of all the others.” (Tamar Devorah, 4th attribute) The commandment of loving your fellow man can be fulfilled at all times. Every single second of the day any favor or kindness that you do for someone is a fulfillment of this commandment. The commandment can also be fulfilled through thought. When you are happy about the good fortune of someone else, it constitutes an act of loving your fellow man. For instance, if you hear that someone just gave birth to a child and you feel happy, you fulfill this commandment. The same applies when someone suffers misfortune. If you feel sad because of their suffering, you fulfill this commandment. By fulfilling thiscommandment properly, a person can easily amass thousands upon thousands of mitzvos. (Yesod Veshoresh Hoavoda 1:7, 8) The Baal Shem Tov says: “You know that you have many faults, nevertheless, you still love yourself. This is how you should feel toward your friend. Despite his faults, you must love him.” (Likutai Avraham, p. 221)To love one’s fellow man as oneself is not merely a lofty ideal devoid of practical significance. Rather, it is a Torah commandment with specific obligations and restrictions (see Sridai Aish, vol. 4, p. 343). In every encounter with other people you have an opportunity to either fulfill or violate this mitzvah.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)There is no greater feeling than that of being understood. To be able to enter someone else’s reality and feel their joy and at other times their pain is literally an art which many possess naturally, yet most must learn through life experience. Through unfortunate circumstances, I have personally learned the value in truly feeling for another person.As most homes run right before Shabbat, the sounds of showers running and silverware clanging were heard from all sides of the house. I was putting the final touches on an elegant new salad recipe when I heard the unmistakable sound of water pouring onto the kitchen floor. As I turned around to see what happened, I don’t think any experience in the world could have prepared me for what I was about to witness. Sitting on the floor was my 16 month old baby in a state of shock with her arm red, burnt, and blistering in front of my eyes. She somehow managed to reach the wire to our urn and pull it down on herself. Within three seconds the blood curdling screams that came from her mouth her deafening. Without a moment’s notice I somehow had the clarity of mind to remember the crucial task of submerging the burnt area in cool water. I grabbed my screaming daughter, flew up the stairs, filled the bathtub with cool water, all the while davening and soothing the baby as much as I could. With each attempt to plunge her arm into the water accompanied screams of her fear and panic. She gave me this look of “How can you be doing this to me? I’m burnt and am in so much pain and now you want to torture me more by subjecting me to this cold water?” I felt my daughter’s pain in such a deep way. I knew what she was saying to me even though she wasn’t able to say anything more than “ouch!” and continue to cry. With a flash of compassion, truly feeling her pain, I made a decision. I looked at my daughter straight in the eyes and said, “Mommy knows this water is so cold and so uncomfortable so I’m going to join you.” I proceeded to step into thebathtub, fully clothed, to let her know that I was with her all the way. I realized that if she had to suffer in this way, by joining her, it may ease her pain. As we both sat in the water with chattering teeth and purple lips her cries started to wane. She stared at me with a strange look and slowly calmed down. With me by her side (literally) she was able to persevere with what had to be done to assist her burn.I truly don’t feel I did anything so special. I did what any mother would do. What I did learn is the power we possess to alleviate the pain of another person by showing them we care. Upon further reflection on this idea, I realized that we shouldn’t have to wait for tradedies to befall us to connect and empathize. We can grant anyone we come in contact with the feeling that we care. Whether it is by taking pleasure in their happiness or empathizing with their struggle, we are capable of loving our fellow Jew. We are all in this life together. What better way to express “Loving your Fellow Jew as you Love Yourself” than letting someone know that you value them as a person and appreciate their unique contribution both big and small. Discussion Question Options:What is your ideal picture of a person who has great love for other people? Is it more

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make it a point to call someone this week to wish them mazel tov on an occassion, share something positive you have learned from them or one of their family members, or feel internal happiness for their good fortune.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #3V’Ahavta L’Rayacha KamochaLove your Fellow Jew as you Love YourselfPart 2 Jewish Law:Let’s take a deeper look into this mitzvah.A soul enters a person’s body that specifically matches its powers and potentials. People often complain about the parents they were born to, the times in which they live and even the body in which they find themselves. We must trust G-d’s perfect wisdom in placing our soul in our particular body, family and period of history. G-d gives each soul the exact situation it needs in order to become actualized. We must recognize that the tools we are given in this life are the exact means through which our souls evolve, which is the inherent purpose of our sojourn in this world. (Excerpt from Let’s Face It by Tzipora Heller). Without healthy self-esteem and self appreciation, one can be challenged in their abilities (or lack of) to love another person. More specifically, if a person can’t love themselves, how then can they love someone else?People who accept and honor themselves trust that they can be liked and that people find them loveable. They understand that family and friends whom they love will usually love them in return. They also know that there are countlessreasons why some people do not like others and that there are those who may have unrealistic demands. When these self aware individuals perform a benevolent act, it is out of a genuine caring and a sincere desire to be of help, this form of caring constitutes gemilus chasadim, an act of loving kindness. Such people do not have to resort to tyranny to bolster a sagging self esteem. Their lives are relatively uncomplicated, and their relationships are almost always calm and predictable because their self esteem is internally driven.There are two extremes when it comes to self identity. One extreme is the person who has a tendency to always judge themselves favorably and feels they do nothing wrong. The other type always notices all of their faults and only judges themselves negatively. Both extremes are harmful. If a person always judges himself favorably regardless of what they do, they will never correct their faults because they assume they have none. Conversely, if a person sees everything they do in a negative light, they are apt to consider themselves a failure and feel despair about ever improving. Such a person will be guilt ridden and depressed and they will also not try to improve.The most productive attitude to uphold is when a person is aware of their faults, yet also is aware of their strengths and virtues. While they recognize their failings, they will also have the self-confidence that they can improve and grow. (Gateway to Self Knowledge – Rabbi Zelig Pliskin). This healthy sense of self breeds self love and therefore enables one to fulfill the mitzvah of “Loving Others as we Love Ourselves” with passion. Story: (based on a true story)All of us go through hard times in life. Most of the time when we experience these difficult moments, we’re often not aware of how our behavior impacts others or quite frankly, ourselves. Let me share a short story with you of a lesson I learned about the importance of self love.I grew up in a home where the members of our family habitually looked over their shoulders, observing what others purchased, owned or were seeking. My family was concerned where the neighbors spent their money and with whom they spent their time. Juicy pieces of gossip were frequently shared and expected in our home. I admit this not to place blame on my family members, rather to give you an orientation to my background.As I grew, I naturally viewed the world the same way as I had in the past. I busied myself with the goings on of everyone around me, knowing full well this may constitute lashon hora (the Torah prohibition of evil speech) but always finding a way to rationalize my reasons for knowing certain pieces of information.One day, while I was chatting with my friend, Sarah, in her kitchen, I walked past her bulletin board which was laden with carpool schedules, dry cleaning bills, and invitations. Knowing that she wouldn’t mind my reading the upcoming activities in her family’s life, I looked around the board and enjoyed observing the similarities our lives displayed. Just as I was about to inform her that the price she paid for dry cleaning her table cloths was a bargain, I happened to notice an invitation to the Schwartz wedding. The Schwartz’s were old friends of ours.“When did you get this invitation Sarah? I haven’t gotten mine yet,” I remarked.“Oh, about three weeks ago, you didn’t get yours?” Sarah questioned.At that point my thoughts were already spinning 100 miles per hour. ‘How could it be that I didn’t get invited to my friend’s son’s wedding?’ I thought to myself. I was just as close if not closer than Sarah was. I even traveled to her other son’s bar mitzvah a few years ago. I bought their son a nice gift for that bar mitzvah too! This reminds me of the time I was “oversighted” with Jordana’s wedding. We’ve belonged to the same gym for years, not to mention the fact that our children are friendly. It drove me crazy when I wasn’t invited to acquaintances occasions or even worse, when I’d hear that others were invited while I wasn’t. Thinking about these scenarios would consume vast parts of my day as I found myself sulking in self-pity or seething with anger.My friend Sarah looked at me as if reading my mind and said, “I know exactly

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Every night before you go to sleep this week, review five positive acts you performed that day.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #4Do Not Hate Lo Sisna Jewish Law:The Torah commands us: Lo sisna achicha bilvavecha – “Do not hate your brother in your heart” (Vayikra 19:17); that means that even if we do not do or say a word against our fellow Jew, if we harbor hatred in our hearts when it is prohibited to do so, we have violated this, no matter how hard we may be working to restrain ourselves. (Mishpetei Hashalom 2:1, 4)Jews come in all stripes and types. The basic commandment forbids us to hate “your brother” – this means any Jew. The mitzvah(commandment) is incumbent upon men and women alike, at all times and in all places. Children should be trained in this mitzvah(commandment) from a young age. We should certainly not do the opposite, and try to drag children into our own hostilities by urging them to dislike those we consider our enemies. The best way to train our children is by example. Phrases like “I can’t stand so and so,” and other such hostile expressions should never be heard in our homes, especially in the children’s presence.What is the minimum measure of the violation of not hating? Jewish law gives us a number of specifics: If we don’t greet someone because of our feelings of anger or animosity (not because we were daydreaming or in the middle of a meeting), we have violated this commandment. If the person is someone we generally speak to regularly and we do not speak with him for three days because of our negative feelings toward him, then according to Jewish law, that constitutes hatred. Our gut reaction when we experience hostile feelings being radiated toward us may be to reflect them right back. But the Torah expects us to overcome gut feelings. It isn’t easy to abide by this requirement, but by meeting the challenge, we can succeed in overcoming our natural, base instincts. More often than not we will gain something as well: if we consistently respond to other’s hatred with expressions of love, most likely other’s icy fronts will melt away thereby making peace with one another.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)Jon and my husband Peter were best friends since elementary school. They went to the same camps. They went to the same high school and basically had always experienced life events together with the same loyal spirit as bagels and lox.We spent every summer together at our vacation home on the Island and soon enough his wife Stacey and I became the best of friends as well. Our children were theirs and theirs were ours. You get the picture.So as you can imagine, when Jon overheard Peter speaking with another neighbor about Peter’s stinginess in resisting the maintenance fee for the house grounds, he was in for quite a surprise.“Yeah, good ‘ole Jon is great at taking care of his family but when it comes to other expenses, his wallet is like a lead weight in that back right pocket of his. I’d never say it to him though. He’s too stubborn to hear someone else’s opinion. It’s just the way he is.”Shock! Hurt! Pain! Anger! “What nerve to speak about me that way!” Peter expressed later that night. “After all these years! How could he talk about me like that?!” What could I say? I was as stunned as he was. It’s true, we did have a few disagreements and arguments over the past few months which may have lead to his negative comments but for Jon to vent his frustration to a fellow neighbor was totally stepping out of bounds.The next morning Peter ignored Jon at the golf club. The same happened when bumping into each other at the local Starbucks. Jon approached Peter many times to find out why he was being shunned and to clear the air but Peter just walked away. Stacey tried speaking with me but I ignored her as well. Words spoken about my husband like that, aimed at his pride were simply unforgivable. Slowly but surely this once tight spool of thread of a friendship began to unravel until there was nothing left but a quarter inch piece of string left hanging.I can’t really pinpoint how, when, or where our emotions were holding but the word “hate” was definitely one of the most prominent. We tried to control our feelings and not seethe in anger but with every passing family occasion they had which they neglected to invite us to or every block BBQ they hosted in which we were not included, the hate and anger grew. To this day, I’m not exactly sure why we let this beautiful friendship just slip away but embarrassingly, that is what we did. The years moved on and I guess as I matured and grew and had my own fair share of life’s challenges I felt something slightly shift within me. I felt a primal pull and desire to put it all behind us but never felt the strength nor the courage to do what had to be done. Then it happened. That unexpected call in the middle of the night that my father-in-law had suffered a massive stroke and without a huge miracle was not expected to survive until the morning. Peter and I jumped into the car and rushed to the hospital, all the way praying like we had never before. It was too late though. Dad was gone and so was a great man; a man who stood for peace, friendship, and unconditional love. During the first days of shiva I busied myself with calling old acquaintances to inform them of my father in law’s death. When Jon and Stacey’s name appeared on the screen, I knew the

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Find someone whom you are not so fond of and do something for them (with or without them knowing).Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #5Hochayach Tocheyach es AmisechaThe Obligation to Give Rebuke Part 1 Jewish Law:The Torah tells us: Hochei’ach tochiach es amisecha – “Reprove your fellow Jew” (Vayikra 19:17). If we see a Jew transgressing a mitzvah toward G-d or toward another person – we have a responsibility to give him rebuke – to inform him that he is mistaken – so that he will correct his actions.Many people mistakenly perceive rebuke as a negative confrontation when in actuality, we should be happy to receive it and be grateful to those who offer it. In fact, when a person has a number of friends, some of whom flatter and others who rebuke when necessary, one should favor the latter; those are the friends who really care about you and your future.When possible, a person should try to live near one’s mentor, so that they can benefit from their rebuke – but only on condition that one accepts it.The attitude we adopt toward rebuke may affect the obligation of those around us, since according to some, the mitzvah to reprove is relevant only toward someone who will be pleased to hear the rebuke. If the recipient will respond with hatred and possibly revenge, the other person is free of the obligation to rebuke. A person who despises rebuke is actually harming himself. By refusing to hear the words of those who rebuke him, he blocks off options for correcting his ways and remains stuck in his mistakes, since in his self imposed ignorance he does not even see them as wrong. (Mishpetei Hashalom 9:4, 6)You might wonder: What happened to our all-important mtzvah of judging others favorably? Why should we immediately assume that the person is mistaken or doing something wrong? Maybe the act is not what it appears to be; perhaps he is justified in doing what he is doing. True, in your heart you should certainly judge the person favorably. However, this does not give you license to sit back and let him carry on with his action that is a possible sin (mistake). Rather, you should question him diplomatically, and if you find that he indeed did something wrong, you should give him “tochachah”, rebuke. (Mishpeitei Hashalom 9:2-3)(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)Story: (based on a true story)I am the type of person people enjoy telling a piece of good news to because I react with great emotion. That’s the positive side of this particular character trait. The negative side is that I’m short tempered and react quickly often before I fully think through what I’m doing. My friend, Annie is the opposite. She is well thought out, calm, and contemplative. I notice many of my friends have this same trait, probably because I inwardly admire their patient, well thought out attitude and know that I grow from being around them.To illustrate, let me share a dialogue which occurred between Annie and myself a few weeks ago. Annie asked if we could get together on Sunday afternoon to discuss something. I was delighted and said I’d be at her house around noon. Sunday arrived. I walked over to her house and was warmly greeted by Annie with an invitation to sit and enjoy some iced coffee. She then proceeded to tell me that she really wanted to work on herself, her growth and her character traits and wanted to ask if I had any pointers for her in her quest to improve in any area of her life. I thought, couldn’t come up with anything, and told her so. After being prodded a little by her, I managed to think of one small area she MAYBE needed to work on. She heard what I had to say and thanked me profusely. Afterwards we continued talking about our other interests: children, work schedules, cookingand carpools. All the while I kept thinking about what an impressive person she was and how she always seemed to be in a positive growth mode.We were about to wrap up our little get together when I had the urge to ask Annie if she felt there was anything I should work on. After all, it only seemed fair. She sat and thought for a couple of minutes and said there actually was something she could think of and proceeded to explain it to me. She didn’t give me a long critical speech with condescending words, as I was accustomed to in the past. Instead she shared a couple of ideas with me that were beautifully sandwiched with love and praise. Annie shared a few examples that demonstrated how I displayed this particular character trait. I acknowledged she was correct, vowed to work on it, and profusely thanked her. We ended our conversation warmly within a few minutes. It was not until I was half way home that I realized what truly happened. Annie didn’t really want rebuke or advice from me, she wanted to give me some advice; and engineered the most sensitive way to do it. Not only did I not feel embarrassed, she actually maneuvered a way to get me to ask for it! There are so many wonderful things I learn from Annie but this aspect of helping and correcting with love and respect actually made me want to grow and improve rather than deny and accuse. I honestly feel that most people would be willing to see their mistakes when the rebuke is given in a sincere, loving, and gentle way. Discussion Question Options:Why do many people get offended when given rebuke? What is the difference between the unpopular “giving advice when you’re not being asked” and performing the mitzvah of giving rebuke? If you felt certain that you could help someone by giving her advice but

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: This week when you give someone constructive criticism, do it with compassion and understanding rather than with anger and accusations.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #6Hochayach Tocheyach es AmisechaKol Yisrael Areivim Zeh LazehAll Jews are Responsible for One AnotherPart 2 Jewish Law:From the time of the giving of the Torah at Mt Sinai, every Jew became responsible for his fellow Jew’s spiritual well being. Therefore, when one person transgresse openly (even if only in front of his/her spouse and children), and those who see him transgressing are capable of protesting and they refrain from doing so, they are held accountable for the transgression. One commentary, Rashi, explains that we are not responsible for the mistakes of our people that are done privately but only for those done publicly as he says, “Everyone is obligated to safeguard the integrity of the entire Jewish people against openly committing mistakes.” (Parshas Nitzavim 29:28)Our Torah observance is so closely linked to that of our fellow Jews that one Jew can make a blessing on behalf of another to fulfill a Torah obligation such as Kiddush, even if he himself has already fulfilled his obligation. For the same reason, at times it is preferable for a person to fulfill a mitzvah in more of a minimal form, without stringencies, if doing so will enable another Jew to fulfill the mitzvah as well.Among the blessings pronounced by the kohanim (holy priests) at Mt Gerizim was, “Blessed is he who upholds all the words of the Torah to do them.” This statement obligates anyone who is capable of strengthening Torah observance in the face of those who seek to uproot it to do his part — whether by founding Jewish institutions, speaking publicly to draw people to Judaism, or thwarting the plots of those who seek to undermine Torah observance.No one is exempt from this requirement, not even a great Torah scholor who already learns and teaches and observes all the mitzvos, positive and negative; he still carries a responsibility to promote the Torah observance of the Nation.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)Please let me share with you a story that happened to me a few years ago that shook me to the very core of my being.I am your basic run of the mill Jewish woman. I don’t claim to pray all the time or constantly help the poor and unfortunate, just a regular person. Please don’t get me wrong. I’ve always tried to grow and become better yet nothing can compare to the “growth spurt” I had four years ago.I was in the kitchen cooking when I suddenly heard screams coming from the room next door.“Mommy! Mommy! Come fast! Michael just fell out of the window!” my daughter shouted.“What?” I thought to myself. “How could Michael have fallen out of the window? Who could have opened it? The children are too young to pull it up let alone maneuver a chair next to the wall, climb up, and fall out?!”I quickly ran to the room and to my utter shock and dismay saw an open window. I anxiously ran to the other side of the room and peered out the window and saw my poor young son lying on the front lawn appearing to be semi conscious. I dashed down the stairs, ran out the front door, and found my beautiful young child limp and lifeless. I screamed that someone should call 911. Within what seemedto be an eternity, the ambulance arrived, secured Michael on the gurney and raced to the hospital. I had never been so scared in my life.The next hour was a whirlwind of doctors, catscans and much fear and doubt. My son had sustained significant head injuries that were life threatening. I sat in the emergency room praying like I had never done before. With each subsequent visit made by each ER physician who’d see my little boy’s head and sigh, I felt an intense pain that can not be compared to anything else I’ve ever experienced. It was from this place of pain that I beseeched G-d in my prayers, “G-d, I will do anything for my son to get better, absolutely anything! Please, G-d, if it means that you would need to take ten years away from my life, I’d gladly give it to him!” I cried and cried.Miraculously, over the next week Michael began to show signs of improvement but the doctors were not yet sure to the extent that he would suffer from brain damage. As we prayed and hoped over the following weeks and months we began to see Michael make drastic improvements in all areas of his health. The following months had us running from doctor to doctor and test to test but by the same time the following year, Michael had a full and complete recovery.Michael returned to school and life slowly but surely returned to normal. There was one thought I could not stop dwelling on though. The prayer I made to G-d about taking away ten years of my life was starting to scare me. Was I really thinking clearly when I said that? I just wanted Michael to get better no matter what it would take. I feared for my life and the power of my request. My husband encouraged me to seek rabbinic advice. I made an appointment and within a few days found myself sitting in front of a very special and wise rabbi. After explaining my dilemma, the Rabbi thought for a few minutes and then gave his advice. He expressed that the path to “buying” back the ten years of my life was by doing acts of loving kindness. By feeling a responsibility towards the Jewish people, I should look for opportunities to help other Jews in any way I can. He explained that I should commit to helping with

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Think of a way that you can help the Jewishpeople as a whole.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #7Dan L’chaf Z’chusJudge All People Favorably Jewish Law:Our Sages tell us: Dan L’kaf Z’chus – “Judge all people favorably” (Ethics of ourFathers 1:6). We pass judgment all the time. Any time we see someoneperforming a questionable act our judgmental antennae go up and in our mindswe rule “guilty” or “not guilty.” Depending upon the case and the nature of theperson we are observing, the Torah delineates how we are expected to exercisethat judgment.The basic rule is: In general, any time we see a person doing something that could be construed as either a positive or a negative act, we are obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt and judge him favorably in our minds rather thansuspecting him of being guilty of committing an aveira.If we judge someone negatively in a case where Jewish law would require us tojudge him favorably, then even if he turns out to be guilty of wrongdoing, it wouldappear that we are still guilty of violating the mitzvah. And the opposite is true: Ifwe judge someone favorably as required, and when the truth emerges we learnthat the person really was guilty, we can rest assured that we fulfilled the mitzvahproperly, regardless of the reality of the situation. Note that this mitzvah addresses our thought process. Even if we have not said or done anything based on our negative evaluation of the person, once we havejudged him negatively in our minds we have violated this mitzvah of the Torah andwill be liable.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)Get over here right now and don’t do that again!” this seemingly unloving andinsensitive young mother shouted to her blue-eyed, adorable two year olddaughter.“I’ve told you a million times ‘Don’t play in the sandbox’! It’s dirty and germy andthen you end up getting sand all over the stroller, the car, and the house! I’ve hadenough! Now be a good girl and play like all the other children!”Wow! This poor woman needed some serious parenting classes. In my mind, she was absolutely unfit to raise this sweet child. I wondered, wasn’t it embarrassing for her to be losing control of herself especially in public?My anger towards her was growing with each sentence she shrieked. Howcould she call herself a mother? How could she not realize the damage she wascausing with each reprimanding remark? Not only was her behaviorunacceptable, I wondered about the lasting negative effect this would make onher innocent child. Instantly I was struck with an insight that hit me like a ton of bricks: I realized I had a living example in front of me of a class that I had recently attended. We learnedthe importance of removing our harsh judgment of others in attempt to trulyimprove our relationships. G-d judges us based on how we judge others. At therate I was judging, I would have a lot of explaining to do to the Him. Fortunately Irealized I had a tremendous opportunity in my hands. Instead of pursuing my selfsatisfying view of sizing up the situation from my narrow perspective, I decided to channel this pent up energy by doing a deliberate mitzvah: “judging people (this woman) favorably”.Normally I don’t see myself as a strong person. With this incident, I really felt a tugfrom both ends. Still, somehow I was able to muster up the strength to work ongiving this mother the benefit of the doubt. I began to be her defendant. Ithought to myself: maybe this woman was just having a hard day and is normallyvery loving, understanding, and gentle. Maybe she’s not feeling well. Maybe sheis under tremendous pressure or maybe she is doing the best she can with who she is and the background she comes from. After I started thinking about all thepossibilities, there seemed to be an endless amount of ways I could positivelyrelate to the situation. As I continued to creatively imagine more ways of judgingher favorably, I felt my emotional barometer cool down. Before I knew it, my feetwere walking over to this woman whose very presence bothered me to no end just five short minutes before. My critical nature began to melt into friendlyunderstanding. Miraculously I struck up a conversation with her. I found her to bequite pleasant, warm, and easy to talk to. After a brief conversation weestablished a connection that bonded us. She confided in me that this was herfirst child and she was having an extremely difficult time finding the right words tocommunicate with her. She admitted that she desperately needed a parentingworkshop and today felt she was at her wit’s end but didn’t know where to turn. Itwas divine providence that I knew about a new class forming in theneighborhood. I gave her the information and we exchanged numbers.It scared me when I considered the slippery slope I found myself in. Just a half anhour earlier I was entrapped in such negative thinking. With proper intention Icould rejoice in my ability to choose a positive and productive path by taking thetime to consider my thoughts and responses. What initially seemed to me to be so clear and obvious was so wrong, misconstrued and misguided. Best of all, I feel so fortunate that I had the strength to choose to view this situation with a clear mind and an open heart.In the end, instead of dismissing a fellow Jew, I made a new friend. Discussion Question Options:Is it necessary to know why someone acts in ways we don’t understand in order for us to judge them favorably? Why do people often assume the worst when seeing poor behavior in someoneelse? What experiences have taught you to judge people favorably?(without getting into too many details) Stretch of the Week:At least once this week try to be less judgmental of someone’s annoying behavior.

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: At least once this week try to be less judgmental of someone’s annoying behavior.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #8Lo Sachmod V’Lo S’saveCoveting the Possessions of Others Jewish Law:The mitzvos of “Not Coveting the Possessions of Others (Devarim 5:18) forbid us to desire another Jew’s possessions and to take measures to acquire them. The prohibition applies whether we are pressuring another person to sell the items to us when he is not interested in selling or whether we are pleading with him to give something to us as a gift. If the item is for sale, pressuring the seller to reduce the price is considered normal negotiation techniques and is permissible.The underlying flaw that leads a person to desire something that belongs to another and to take measures to acquire it is envy. According to the letter of the law, feeling envious of another’s possessions does not constitute a violation of either of the two mitzvos as long as we have not begun to map out strategies, have not taken action or spoken up in order to acquire them. Nevertheless, the character trait of envy is considered very crass and should be assiduously avoided.Were it not for envy, a person would be able to manage with only the minimum requirement of food, clothing and living accommodations. People in our generation have become rather obsessed with “keeping up with the Joneses” – exerting physically and emotionally to gain a lifestyle based on society’s superficial and extravagant standards. Eliminating this non-constructive trait would greatly enhance the true quality of our lives.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)I grew up in an upper class home in the heart of America. I always had what Ineeded, and was given what I wanted. I don’t remember ever feeling a sense oflack. When I noticed that others did not possess what our family had inabundance, I was committed to helping them feel comfortable and taken careof. I lived with this mindset for the first 25 years of my life.As I grew older, married, and started a family, the financial stress of our newestablished family gradually worsened. Whereas I was accustomed to a certainstandard of living, my husband was raised in a simple home with few luxuries andwasn’t challenged as much as I was.When the recent financial crisis hit, our monetary status began to loom dark andheavy yet slowly but surely we were able to rebound a bit and make ends meet so we didn’t feel quite so pinched.While we endured this challenge, certain things which hadn’t bothered me in thepast started to gnaw at me. While we were in no position to renovate our home,buy new clothing or donate generous amounts of money to charity, there weremany people in town who were able to live prosperously in spite of the financialcrisis. I began noticing home improvement signs posted on my neighbor’s frontlawns and newly acquired cars. As crazy as it may sound, I even started to desirethe contents of other women’s shopping carts, full of fresh meat and expensivesnack foods.I never considered myself to suffer from jealousy, but in hindsight I realize that thisease may have been due to the fact that I never lacked for anything materially. Iperceive myself as a growth oriented person, often trying to work on internalizingJewish values (such as being happy with what I have) into every part of my day.However, the sharp contrast between the way others were living and the plight Ihad to accept, were miles apart. I tried to stay focused and keep a smile on myface (at least in public) but inside I was suffering terribly.One day my 8 year old son Jake returned from school, jumped on my lap, swiftlyplaced a sweet little kiss on my cheek and pronounced that he “loved me somuch!” Not that he normally wasn’t affectionate, but somehow there seemed tobe a reason for his added measure of passion. “I love you too Jakey! Tell me what happened in school today!” I answered.“It was good. Mrs Miller asked us to make an entry in our writing journals about allthe things we have that are good. I normally don’t like journal time but when Istarted writing I had so much to say,” he blurted out. “Really, what did you write Jake?” I questioned.“I wrote that I love my parents and my brothers and sisters and my house and my clothes and my toys and my backyard and my grandparents and holidays and going to the playground and my friends and Passover and …,” he continued on and on. I was so struck by his words. The amazing moment for me was that most of the parts of his life that he really loved cost nothing. He’s a normal child who asks for new toys and other expensive items from time to time, but when Jake revealed what was good to him, what really mattered most were the constant, stable, free aspects of his little existence. In fact, I often would daydream about all the luxuries my children were missing – luxuries which I took for granted as the norm in my childhood. When my son shared with me his sweet innocent joys, I internalized that true happiness comes from taking stock of what I have, that truly a price tag would fall short of. Appreciating G-d’s handiwork allows me to trust that the Creator has decided that He knows what is best for me, even when it’s not always what I had in mind. Jake inadvertently showed me that to focus on the purchases and belongings of others only serves to dampen my spirit and reject the hand picked circumstances of my life that G-d knows is best for me. Discussion Question Options:Is there a certain type of person that most people envy? How do people lose out by having feelings of jealousy? How would a person gain if

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Think of someone you have felt jealous of in the past and work on feeling pleasure in his/her accomplishments or good fortune.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #9KavodRespecting OthersPart 1 Jewish Law:In Ethics of our Fathers (4:1) it says: “Who is honorable? Someone who shows honor and respect to other people”. This teaches us that it’s not how other people treat you that make you important and honorable, rather, it’s how you treat others.When you realize that every human being is created in the image of G-d, you realize that right from birth every human being is important and valuable. By being respectful to other human beings, you add to your self-respect. You recognize that when you treat others with respect, you are expressing respect to the Creator. You can accomplish this by imagining that everyone you meet wears a sign saying: “Please treat this child of Mine with great respect. [signed] Your Father, Your King, Creator and Sustainer of the Universe.The word “kavod” comes from the word “kaved” which means “heavy”. Kavod means that we realize that every person has weight and must be taken seriously. Kavod HaBrios, the dignity of man, is given the highest priority in the Torah. Respect for another human being is not contingent on his merits but simply on his humanity.(Excerpt from Building your Self-Image by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin) Story: (based on a true story) The story I’m about to tell you is not about the particular details of how or why I turned to the street nor should it serve to scare or disturb you. Rather, my hope is to inspire you as to why I decided to return home. As of last year, I am totally back on track, but probably would not had it not been for the efforts of one very special woman.In my early teenage years I went through a very hard time. I suffered from low self-esteem for various reasons and therefore associated with the wrong crowd. I didn’t want to challenge myself to pursue any goal or dream; I just wanted to get by. I experienced negative, sad feelings everyday. I had no one I respected or admired to talk to. The only way of expressing my frustration at that time was to rebel. Slowly and sadly, my life that was somewhat stable grew farther away from my everyday reality. It got to the point where I would often be on the streets just “hanging out” and thinking about “partying.” While I was on the streets, I would often meet family and neighbors. Their reaction to me would be either to totally ignore me and pretend as if I didn’t exist, or, to approach me with condemnations about the embarrassment I was to my family. Somehow, people felt that if they would ignore me I wouldn’t notice and if they rebuked me it would help. Every once in a while I would meet someone who would genuinely talk to me but they were few and far between.I was having a hard time in life. I didn’t need a “talking to”. I didn’t need to be made to feel guilty. I didn’t need to be ignored or embarrassed. What I needed was genuine love, care, and concern. I needed someone to treat me like a person and talk to me like I counted despite my different appearance and peculiar hobbies.One day, as I was sitting on a curb in front of a busy shopping area, Mrs. Cohen, the mother of an old friend from elementary school approached me. She had a big smile on her face, looked genuinely happy to see me, and said “Hi! Wow! What a nice surprise! I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?” I wasn’t sure how to react but I felt safe with her. I wasn’t accustomed to people talking to me in such a warm way. As I look back, I (now) know that I was partially to blame for creating this distance. In much of my teenage years I suspected that most adults I knew judged me. They showed their disappointment whenever they’d catch a glimpse of me. I avoided eye contact, wore intimidating clothes, and had an unkempt hairstyle. Mrs. Cohen stood there for about 10 minutes to schmooze and inquire as to what was happening in my life. It was quite obvious that I wasn’t the same person she knew back then but it didn’t seem to bother her. We finished our conversation and she walked away. For some reason, I hadn’t felt as good as I had then at that moment for months. It’s not that she said anything monumental. She just treated me like a regular person. I even felt some respect in her voice. I didn’t remember feeling respected for a long time. I felt really good.Over the next two weeks, somehow Mrs. Cohen frequented the shopping area where we had met. She would always make it a point to approach me and talk about whatever was going on in my mind. It came to a point when she realized I hadn’t had a place to sleep on a consistent basis that she asked if I would consider joining her family for dinner and to sleep over for the night. Some nights I actually accepted her offer, while on others, I needed my space. I continued with my decadent life style for several more months. I was so full of confusion that my only comfort was in the freedom of the street. Her constant positive attention, genuine care, and nonjudgmental concern though made a very deep impression on me. She never gave up on me. I knew that if I needed anything, I could call her and she would be there. Whether she was or not, I never sensed she was embarrassed to be seen with me. I felt that her respect for me made up for

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make it a point to acknowledge, throughthought or action, someone you previously have not had an appreciation for.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #10She’eilas shalomGreeting OthersPart 2 Jewish Law:She’eilas shalom is usually translated as “greeting”, but, it actually means inquiring about someone’s well-being. The Talmud usually refers to greeting someone with the word “shalom,” which is one of the Names of G-d, as Rashi, a commentator explains (Shabbos 10b), Gidon called G-d “Shalom” (Shoftim 6:24). Thus, when we use the term “greeting” in our context, we refer to this aspect as well. By saying shalom, we are giving the other person a blessing that G-d should help him.The power of a warm greeting of shalom cannot be overestimated. Our Sagesactually instituted a decree that people should greet their friends and inquire aftertheir well being using the word “shalom” – one of the divine Names of G-d. Weshould not limit our greetings to old friends and close neighbors. Our Sages saythat we should be the first to greet everyone. Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakai wasknown for being the first to receive everyone he met with a warm greeting(Mishpetei Hashalom 4:23-24)Every morning we pass our neighbor on the way to work, and each time, he givesus a warm greeting. If that is the case, we must try to give him our shalom first – “Seek peace and pursue it” (Psalsm 34). In any case, we must be sure to respondto his greeting; if someone gives us shalom and we do not respond in kind, we areconsidered thieves. In contrast, when we bless our friend with a warm greeting, weare blessed from Heaven.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver)This mitzvah falls under the category of giving respect to our fellow Jew.Story: (based on a true story)When I walked into the gym one day and noticed a pretty young woman I hadn’tseen before, I quickly took a double take. She appeared friendly and pleasant butone couldn’t help notice the colorful silk kerchief wrapped around her hair.Because she was also wearing a skirt over her leggings I made the assumption thatshe was an ultra orthodox married woman. In our neighborhood, we don’t oftensee religious Jews so when one does appear they definitely stand out. I didn’t sayanything to her though, not even a “hi” or a “welcome, are you new here?” In thegym I have my routine. I work out, shmooze with the regular crowd for a fewminutes and run off to work. Besides, what in the world would I have to talk aboutwith a religious woman? She probably would prefer to stay to herself anyway, Ithought.The following week I found myself running right next to the religious girl on thetreadmill. While I was relatively comfortable wearing my shorts and tank top, I feltlike melting as I watched her jog with so much clothing. Was she really enjoyingworking out like that or did she just feel she was obligated to do so? I felt a bitembarrassed for her to be so bogged down with so many coverings but something in me seemed to be impressed with her convictions at the same time. Did I have anything in my life that I’d be willing to settle in my comfort for like she did?After weeks of the same scenario, I learned more about the “running religious girl”.She had a baby, she had a lot of stamina and her name was Chaya. (Those “ch”words are a real challenge for me!) For some reason though, I felt intimidated byher presence and couldn’t explain why. Was it that I felt she was judging me? Didshe consider me as Jewish as she even though I didn’t wear the clothing shewore? Oddly though, I felt a gravitational pull towards her at the same time andfelt some sort of obligation to befriend her, especially because she was “one of thetribe”.“So…. I’ve seen you over the past few weeks here. Do you enjoy the gym?” wasall I could manage to say. “Yes, it’s wonderful. I used to exercise in a gym close to my home but when myoffice moved a block away, I just couldn’t resist trying it out here.” she responded.Believe it or not, that was the beginning of a friendship that has grown andblossomed. As the weeks flew by I felt more comfortable asking her questionsabout her life style. I found her to be warm and approachable. She has been toour home and we have been to hers several times over the past couple of yearsand we each feel blessed to have each other in our lives. To think back andponder why I felt so intimidated when I first met Chaya seems so ridiculous now.I’m so thankful I had the strength to greet someone I never thought I’d connect to.We both feel we’ve gained from each other’s lives. Discussion Question Options:Why do many people wait for someone to greet them before they say hello? How would you gain by greeting others more cheerfully? Why do people sometimes feel intimidated by others who appear different andthen ignore them? Stretch of the Week:Make an effort to be the first to smile at someone. (and notice their reply)

Review:Last week’s stretch of the week was: Make an effort to smile when you meet people and notice their reply.Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. Lesson #11Hurtful Speech Jewish Law: The Torah tells us: “Do not aggrieve one another, and you shall fear G-d” (Leviticus: 25). From this verse, the Sages learn that, just as it is forbidden to hurt people financially by defrauding them in business relationships, so too it is forbidden to hurt people with words. The Talmud (Oral law) states that in several ways hurting others with words is a more severe transgression than cheating them financially. Money taken fraudulently can be returned; hurt feelings cannot always be restored. Fraud affects only the person’s belongings; “ona’as devarim” – hurting with words – affects the person himself.The main obligation of “Hurtful Speech” is to refrain from intentionally saying or doing things that will shame or cause pain. This includes any words or actions that embarrass, humiliate, frighten, anger, shock or cause suffering to another person. In other words, anything that might cause the other person an unpleasant feeling would be prohibited. The prohibition applies equally to both children and adults.Although the main obligation of ”Hurtful Speech” is causing intentional hurt, we should take precautions to keep our distance from anything that might lead us to cause pain to another person, even inadvertently. Some examples of “thoughtless hurtful speech” include disturbing someone’s sleep, smoking or spitting in the company of others, taking someone’s turn in line or opening a window on a bus on a cold day when most people would prefer it closed.(Excerpts from The Code of Jewish Conduct by Rabbi Yitzchok Silver) Story: (based on a true story)Excitement filled the air on our block due to the exciting news of a new family moving into the area. We are a small community surrounded by acres and acres of land so when a new family considers moving in, we’re all just thrilled and will often throw some sort of block party to encourage them to actually buy in the area.  “So, how can I participate?” Melissa, a neighbor, said to me knowing that I was one of the coordinators of the welcoming party.“Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ve got everything under control” I answered her.“It’s my pleasure though! I can make a salad, some cookies or even bring a few bags of ice!” my neighbor answered.“Really, it’s okay. We’ve divided up the jobs already and everything’s taken care of. I hope you and your husband will come though. I think Jenny is making the calls tonight so she’ll inform you of all the details.”“Okay,” Melissa answered. “If you and the other coordinators change your mind, please let me know.”I forgot about our conversation and continued on with my day. Later that night, as I was relaxing over a cup of tea, my phone rang. It was Melissa.“I have to be honest with you, I really feel…..” There was silence at the other end of the line for a few seconds, then sniffles, then an obvious cry.“What Melissa? Did something bad happen?” I questioned.“Yes and I feel that it’s time that I finally spoke up. I have lived in this neighborhood for 5 years now and even though I find everyone to be special in so many ways, I feel that there is a certain level of snobbery going on. Why do some of you feel you have the ‘right’ to call all the shots on everything that goes on here? So what if you decide that the menu will be this or that? If one of us calls and offers to join in helping out with any event, how does anyone lose out by making that person feel wanted, needed, and a part of the action? Whereas I feel connected on a certain level to some people on the block, I never really felt that I made it to the ‘inner circle’. When I heard about the party for the new family I felt that it would be such a wonderful opportunity to come together as a unitedgroup and participate and contribute together. Instead, I was met with a response which sounded like ‘thanks, but no thanks’. That left me feeling ‘out of it’ once again. I really wish there was more sensitivity and less focus on the food, décor, and ambiance.”Left in a state of shock, I apologized and expressed that I meant no harm. I didn’t know what else to say. Because I was caught off guard, I quickly ended the conversation and called my old friend. I explained to her what happened and over the next hour she was able to get me to realize that perhaps my neighbor had a point and that even beyond that, if I were to really dig deep, I would probably sense that I felt a certain level of satisfaction from saying no to people because it gave me a sense of control that I had the power to make ‘the decisions’. If I was really being honest with myself I could see that I sometimes send others messages that may come across as confusing or even insulting.After getting clarity on my intentions and the way I had come across, I called my neighbor Melissa and sincerely apologized. I thanked her for being open and honest with me and pointing out a flaw that I and our other neighbors needed to work on. I truly look forward to block parties now and the friendship and good will that can be created in the process. Discussion Question Options:To what degree should a person watch their speech around people who are sensitive and have emotional needs that are different than their own? When we have the urge to insult, embarrass, or humiliate someone else, is this always a sign that we ourselves are suffering in some way? Is hurtful speech ever justified? How can one become more aware of the effect of their