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Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Think of a friend who is going through a particularly challenging life situation.  Make an extra effort to reach out to him/her and do something specific to help. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #1 Kavod Respecting Others What is kavod?  Kavod is literally translated as honor.  Therefore, people automatically associate kavod with something negative since they are familiar with Chazal’s bidding to run away from honor.  However, in reality the concept of kavod encompasses so much more.  We are better off translating kavod as respect, because kavod is much more about the internal makings of a person than his social status.  We must have kavod for ourselves; we must have it for others. The world we live in is losing its sense of kavod more and more each day.  All barriers of respect and dignity have fallen by the wayside.  Not that long ago, it was commonplace for one to give up his seat on a train for someone older.  Now?  It is highly unusual to sight a witness.  Honoring one’s parents and grandparents?  Whom are you kidding? On the brighter side, this foretells that we are living in the times close to the arrival of Mashiach.  Chazal tell us (Sota 49b) that in the days preceding Mashiach chutzpa will be rampant; the young will shame the old; elders will get up for the children; a son will disgrace his father; a daughter will rebel against her mother… This decrease in outward kavod is indicative of a much bigger problem than the individual misdeeds being performed.  It is a symptom of a sickness which has far greater casualties than we may realize.  If we have lost respect for those around us, then we apparently have lost our own sense of self-respect.  If those around us are not important enough to be treated with dignity, how much greater can we perceive ourselves? We have lost the most precious and vital ingredient to our spiritual and physical survival:  kavod of self.  How much pride and kavod can one possible derive from his physical existence?  Dovid HaMelech says in Tehillim (30:13), “So that my soul (chavod) will sing to You and not be silent.”  Dovid refers to his soul as his chavod, his honor.  The greatest pride one can experience is in the elevation and success of his soul, for that is who he really is, a spiritual being. If only we begin to heighten our sense of kavod for ourselves and those around us, we will see incredible changes in our lives.  We will be able to accomplish so much more both for ourselves and others. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:(based on a true story) “Go to your room right now!  I can’t have you spilling anything else in here.” Sarah barked an “I hate when you say that!” at me and went scurrying up the stairs with teary eyes, but I couldn’t deal with that at the moment.  She had too much nervous energy for me to have her around while I cleaned up the bottle of orange juice she’d inevitably knocked over.  I knew she was sorry, but it happened too often.  It’s not like anyone bothered to respect me and treat me in a way that didn’t make me want to cry, right? Just last night my married son had called to tell me that he and his wife and baby would be coming the second days of Succos instead of the first as we’d arranged, because of a family birthday on my daughter-in-law’s side.  Not asked, but told, with less than a week’s notice.  As I mopped, I called my friend Elana, to kvetch. “I am so tired of this,” I told her as I shoved the mop across the floor.  “My kids don’t seem to care how what they do affects anyone else.  And neither does anyone else!  Every day I wait for fifteen minutes on the line for the highway exit ramp and just as I get near the front, four cars zoom in from the next lane and cut me off.  I’m the bad guy if I don’t let them in.  I get to work and it’s, ‘Where have you been?’, not a nicer, ‘How bad was your commute?’”  Rant finished, Elana and I sighed and settled on the conclusion that our lot in life was to get stepped on, and the goal was “to keep on trucking”. Upstairs, I heard Sarah sniffling and muttering in her room.  I began scolding myself for yelling at her and sending her away so I could talk to a friend while I wallowed in self-pity.  Why didn’t I take a deep breath and have her help clean up?  That would have actually taught her something without destroying her self-esteem.  I felt like such a rotten mother. The front door slammed, and I soon found my high-school aged daughter Miriam bent over the open fridge.  I heard the words “Hi Mom.  Where’s the OJ?” and I was out the door, with vague mumblings that I would buy some for her but she was in charge until I got back.  As I drove to the supermarket all I could think was, “At least she said ‘Hi’.” Ten minutes later I got to the checkout area with two bottles of orange juice and a new mop head in my basket.  All the lines were full, so I settled into my wait with another sigh when I heard a quiet, “Excuse me?” from the woman in front of me.  “If that’s all you have,” she said, “please go ahead of me.  You look like you’ve had a long day.”  I scooted around her overflowing cart gratefully, a vague positive feeling beginning to take shape inside my belly.  I put as much of it as possible into my “Thank you,” though I

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Speak to someone respectfully even if it is hard to do.  Then respect yourself for doing so. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #2 Kavod Healthy and Unhealthy Self-Respect Healthy self-respect is about understanding your true value and greatness.  Unhealthy self-respect is basing your self-worth on things that are false or improper.  Chazal say “Truth endures, falsehood does not” (Shabbos 104a).  When one’s self-respect is based on the truth, it will withstand the daily challenges of life; when it is based on falsehood, it will not endure. Our quest for self-respect will be achieved through knowing who we really are.  Lack of self-respect is often confused with humility.  Humility is not about being blind to one’s greatness; it’s about completely crediting this greatness to the One Above.  Self-respect is a pre-requisite for humility.  Only when one has proper self-respect will he be secure enough not to need the honor and respect of others.  Each and every one of us has so much to be proud of.  When we internalize the truth, we will have an abundance of kavod both for ourselves and for others. There are two distinct types of kavod.  One type is external kavod, which comes from outside a person.  The second type, internal kavod, comes from within a person.  External kavod, such as receiving honor and publicity, is the type of kavod Chazal warned us to run away from.  Most of us have a strong innate desire for this honor and respect from others.  We feel that if others bestow on us an abundance of honor, this is testimony to our greatness. This false perception ensures man’s failure, whether he achieves the honor he desires or not.  If one fails and does not attain a desirable social status, he will feel unimportant, even if this person is a truly elevated individual who toils in Torah and mitzvos, which will certainly impair his growth in avodas HaShem.  If one does achieve an elevated social standing, he is perhaps in even greater danger.  He values himself based on his status rather than for what he truly is, which will prompt him to overlook his shortcomings, without ever feeling the need to improve. “Man was created to toil” (Iyov 5:7).  Our effort, our dedication and commitment are what truly count.  We must look above all to find favor in the eyes of HaShem, and learn to develop our kavod from within.  The more internal kavod we feel, the less external kavod we will need.  When we perform an act of kindness without any recognition, we can actually derive more kavod than we would from the superficial honor of others, since we know that we are acting in an elevated manner. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I loved high school and college.  I loved being on student council and in choir and play.  I would spend months on an event or practicing for a production, and then when it was over we would get a huge round of applause.  I loved the reputation I had for being great at all things organizing and performing; it became my identity, and both faculty and students would come to me when they needed someone to make something happen.  Even the academics part was OK.  My grades told me when I had to work harder and when I should be proud of myself.  Overall I felt really accomplished and confident, so I constantly reached out to do more. Yesterday I read a board book to my two year old daughter Shayna.  She giggled, said a few phrases and pointed to a couple of things when I asked her to.  I finished, and she said, “Again”, so I read it again, and again.  I was so bored and sometimes frustrated with my life.  Just two years after I graduated college, my husband finished grad school and got a good position with health insurance so we decided I would stay home.  I really wanted to be home to spend more time with my baby.  Now I had a preschooler, a toddler and an eight month old baby and I spent my days doing laundry, feeding the kids, cleaning up after the kids, reading board books, stacking blocks, and attempting to put dinner on the table. I didn’t recognize my busy, confident self when I look through my old yearbooks.  My friends were taking the world by storm at their jobs and moving into recognized positions.  Even those who are staying home seemed to be organizing groups and hosting shiurim and volunteering at schools, which I couldn’t find time or energy for within my family’s schedule.  I felt inadequate–my name was on no newsletters or parlor meeting invitations or faculty lists that catalogued the work of people extending themselves for others.  I was home, reading board books in my junk skirt from seminary. One day I was looking through my old notebooks for an answer to a halacha question and I found my notes on Rebbetzin Feitman’s “Dignity of Jewish Mother” classes.  It had seemed so simple at the time.  Of course one of the most important things in the world was sitting with a child and loving him and building his every little skill while and doing your best to keep your home happy and nurturing. On paper and in that classroom it looked great but I didn’t remember talking about how to trudge through every day when nobody is saying, “Good job!” when you teach your kid what red is or celebrating your ability to get your baby to eat a new vegetable or managing to make dinner by seven. And then I flipped the page, and there it was in the next class’s notes.  Brush your hair every day even when you don’t go out, and

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Recognize a gift that you have to give to others, and thank HaShem for giving you that ability. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #3 Kavod Arrogance Self-respect is vital to a person’s growth, while arrogance is wrong and distasteful.  Very often, the two are confused.  What is the underlying difference between the two?  A person with self-respect takes pride in knowing his own value and worth, while the arrogant person takes pride only in the feeling that he is better than anyone else.  The arrogant person is living with sheker, because his thought process runs contrary to the Torah; HaShem does not want us to be haughty.  HaShem does not measure us by our friends’ performances.  In addition, his belief that he is better than everyone else is not true.  What makes him better?  If he possesses a higher IQ, he is not a better person because of his God-given intelligence.  And, if he deems himself more righteous than those around him, he is clearly lacking the most basic qualities needed for righteousness, which is humility. Let us think how an arrogant person would honestly answer these four questions: 1)   Are you able to admit your faults? 2)   Are you comfortable asking advice or seeking help from someone younger than yourself? 3)   Are you able to praise the virtues of others? 4)   Do you take criticism well? The arrogant person will most likely answer these questions in the negative.  Why does he struggle with these issues?  The answer is that deep down he is lacking in self-respect.  How can he be convinced that he is superior to all his peers?  He must exaggerate his strengths and deny his shortcomings, and put down others in order to keep himself on top.  He is like a hot air balloon, with little substance or reality behind his inflated ego.  With the poke of a needle, he is deflated.  He does not derive his self-worth from understanding the greatness of a Jew or other healthy places.  His feelings are not connected to his avodas HaShem.  He haughtily takes credit for himself, disconnected from any spiritual purpose. Someone who struggles with his self-esteem will struggle to answer in the affirmative to the four questions as well.  It is very hard for him to swallow the success of others, for this further opens his painful wound of insecurity.  Can we consider this person humble?  Humility is about leading a life that solely revolves around service of HaShem, without any interest in self-gratification. Only when one has proper self-respect will he be secure enough not to need the honor and respect of others.  One who does not feel his sense of kavod thinks, “What is the difference how I behave?  What am I worth anyway?”  Dovid HaMelech motivated himself each morning by saying, “Awake, my soul (ch’vodi), awake” (Tehillim 57:9).  The body wants to rest; the neshama wants to get up and accomplish. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) I walked quietly into my morning meeting with mixed feelings.  Today was our first meeting with the new head of the marketing department.  On the one hand, I had some ideas I wanted to suggest that I hoped Ms. Safier would like.  On the other hand, I’d been with the company for almost twenty years with the same boss.  Who knows what changes were about to come? Ms. Safier looked about as old as my newly married daughter, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  Even if she was still very young, she could have amassed a lot of knowledge in that time.  If she had been hired by my company, she had to be good at what she did and on our wavelength, right?  Within the first ten minutes she had already asked for all staff members to feel free to submit ideas and proposals to her, and I began to feel encouraged and positive. By the end of the week, my proposal for a new strategy for one of our larger accounts was in her inbox.  She thanked me for stepping up and told me she would give the proposal full consideration.  Talk around the office told me that others had proposed ideas as well.  I encouraged all of the others, confident that my idea would be put into practice soon.  It had been developed based on my many years’ experience in the agency. The next week’s meeting was an eye opener.  Leah, a former intern who I had supervised last year who had just officially joined the company, was praised for her innovative approach to marketing the same account I had addressed, and a new plan was being formed.  I was to co-chair a task group with her, combining my experience and her innovation to help develop the new campaign. I have always prided myself as being a friendly, helpful person in the workplace, and I felt I had been a good supervisor to Leah.  That day, I was not that person.  I begged off on starting right away by pleading the need to complete other work with a deadline, and told her I would check if I could fit her in tomorrow but it might not work.  The disappointment on her face was clear, but I could not handle working on this project right then. I was upset that Ms. Safier had chosen a new intern’s ideas over mine and then made me work on it.  I knew it seemed petty, but it was still true.  I felt like there were only two ways to look at the situation:  either Ms. Safier had picked the wrong idea and I had a boss who wasn’t good at her job, or she had picked the right one, and I wasn’t good enough at mine.  After twenty years of hard work,

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Accept feedback or new ideas from another person as an opportunity to grow instead of viewing it as unwanted criticism. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute.  KAVOD Lesson #4 Kavod Compliments “Who is an honorable person?  One who honors others” (Pirkai Avos 4:1).  One’s willingness and ability to honor others reflects his inner sense of self-kavod.  When one is insecure, it is most difficult for him to validate others.  Through working on acquiring self-kavod, we will be able to have the strength to honor others.  However, we must know that the reverse is also true.  If we push ourselves to honor and praise others, we will begin to feel more self-kavod. “External actions inspire and arouse internal reaction” (based on Mesilas Yesharim Chapter 7).  A person’s thoughts and emotions pull along his actions, and the reverse effect is true as well.  When we act one way, even if we don’t feel that way now, we actually begin to feel that way.  Therefore, when we act in the honorable fashion of praising others, we become more honorable on the inside.  Furthermore, there is a wonderful feeling of satisfaction and greatness in giving someone else encouragement and good feelings.  We are utilizing our lives to enhance the lives of others, which is part of man’s primary role in life. One of Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum’s students once asked him: “If man’s role is to help others, how then could our Sages tell us that one is obligated to say, ‘the world was created for me’?  He answered simply:  “The world was created for me–in order to provide me the opportunity to help others.” One of the greatest gifts we can give or receive is a compliment.  Compliments validate others and infuse life into people.  We all want to feel noticed and appreciated, and a person needs to feel his presence makes an impact.  Compliments should be honest and personalized.  Indirect compliments are often powerful.  When we seek someone’s advice or counsel, we are demonstrating our regard for his opinion.  When we ask for a recipe, we reflect true appreciation for someone’s food. We must learn to appreciate and understand a compliment’s significance and impact.  Much more important than making a person temporarily feel good, it is the key to his discovery of gifts and talents hidden within him.  Anyone who has put his talent to good use is forever indebted to all those who have pointed out his abilities along the way.  If a famous public speaker stopped receiving positive feedback and wasn’t hired for speaking engagements, wouldn’t he be forced to assume he has lost his touch?  For this reason, we should always be generous with our compliments, even to someone who already has a lot going for him. Parenthetically, it is not proper to openly reject another person’s compliment.  If he put himself out to try to give you encouragement, don’t shove it back in his face.  It is only appropriate to smile and say “thank you” as you would if someone gave you a gift. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) There was a woman in my weekly class who thought she didn’t know anything.  We’d both been going for years, and I’d seen Karen listen closely and take careful notes, drawing in every word.  Like the rest of us, she sometimes asked questions.  Unlike the rest of us, hers usually started with a self-denigrating “This is probably a stupid question…” or “This may be obvious to everyone else…”  Our teacher responded with, “That’s actually a really good question” and the like, but it continued.  Karen had a late-start Judaic studies background and always seemed to feel that she was catching up and therefore very limited. It bothered me a lot that this amazing seeker didn’t see the beauty of her questions the way I did.  I was involved with an outreach organization when I was a teenager, and the questions that the girls around me would ask were about amazingly deep issues I had never given much thought to.  As I listened to the teachers give these girls their answers, I also gained.  I gained the answers, and I gained the confidence to ask any question to the right person, because “lo ha’by’shan lo’maid”, the embarrassed person doesn’t learn.  You need to ask to get the answer that will propel you on, and the act of asking itself means you are smart enough to try to find out what you don’t know and to delve deeper into Torah. Karen had figured out how to ask the questions; she asked enough through the years to find the beauty and strength in Judaism and to raise five wonderful kids within the Jewish community, planning and coordinating various synagogue events along the way and constantly trying to increase her knowledge of all things Torah.  But somehow, she still felt inferior.  I had to do something to help her, but what?  How do you get at someone’s core of confidence? I figured the truth would work.  One of my best friends in high school was a girl from the outreach group I was involved with.  She was slowly strengthening her observance of Shabbos as our friendship developed, and I regularly told her how much she inspired me to work on myself, and she would say the same to me, each in our own way.  Together, we grew and grew, because the more we each encouraged growth in the other, the more we valued it in ourselves.  Maybe Karen needed some of the same.  Didn’t she inspire me as well? The next time Karen leaned over and quietly asked me a question during a discussion at our class, I truthfully told her that I thought it was a really good question and I also wanted to know the answer. 

Review: Last week’s stretch of the week was:  Notice a strength in someone and compliment them on it. Please allow ONE person to share her experience with this exercise for ONE minute. KAVOD Lesson #5 Kavod Accepting Unwanted Honor Although a person should run away from honor, he should be careful that his escape from honor does not have negative repercussions.  Imagine if our gedolim would refuse to lead us because they didn’t want to receive any honor.  The Chazon Ish, in his incredible humility, spent decades learning in virtual incognito.  However, when his greatness was discovered and he was asked to assume a position of leadership, he could not refuse for the sake of K’lal Yisrael, the nation of Israel. Performing a mitzva that may bring us honor is certainly not considered an act of chasing honor, for this is not one’s intention.  If we have the opportunity to make someone else feel good, we should not shy away for fear of receiving honor.  If making a siyum will inspire others to learn, then we are encouraged to do so.  No one should lose out because we are working on our middos, on improving our character traits.  We have ample opportunities to run away from honor when the honor contains no mitzva. Even if deep down we know that we are only doing the mitzva because of the incentive of the honor, we should still not refrain from doing it.  Chazal, our Sages, tell us (Pesachim 50b) that a person should always learn Torah and perform mitzvos even shelo lishma, with ulterior motives, because ultimately he will come to perform them lishma, for the pure motive of serving HaShem.  “Anyone who chases greatness, greatness will run away from him” (Eiruvin 13b).  On the other hand, Chazal tell us that “Anyone who runs from greatness, greatness will chase after him” (Eiruvin 13b).  Chazal commanded a person to run away from honor, for the chase of honor will hurt him and his avodas HaShem, serving G-d.  However, HaShem knows the weakness of man.  The Alter of Slabodka remarked, “If all of a person’s kavod would be stripped from him, he would cease to live.” Honor for a person is like gas for a car.  It gives him the energy to continue his work.  It is incredibly valuable as a means but not as a goal.  Therefore, HaShem promised the one who runs away from honor that he will be rewarded with honor that will be far more valuable than the fleeting and insignificant honor people are chasing.  People will treat him with respect because he is an upstanding individual who actually deserves respect. (Reproduced from Run After the Right Kavod by Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum, with permission of the author and copyright holders, Israel Bookshop Publications). Story:  (based on a true story) When I was in college, I lived in a wonderful dorm room in which each of us fell into a role.  I was the limudei kodesh (Jewish studies) learner and teacher, Cheryl was the politically active powerhouse, Hanna was heavily involved with scientific research and publishing, and Sharon did chessed non-stop, mostly behind the scenes. After graduation we each moved on to different paths in our lives.  Hanna continued her research, I got a teaching job at a local school, Cheryl went to law school, and Sharon became a speech therapist.  Five years into her marriage, she moved to a small town a couple hours away from the rest of us and stopped working to stay home with her kids. Within a few months, I began hearing from Sharon that while there was much chessed going on in her town and she had volunteered to help with several projects, there was very little learning.  The Rabbi gave a women’s shiur (lecture) on Shabbos that was accessible to all the women in her varied community, but there were many women who really needed more and nothing was happening. Hanna, Cheryl and I all suggested that Sharon try to organize some learning.  After all, it would be a chessed to the community.  She began work and found a lot of interest in a weekly source-based shiur, but nobody to teach the actual class.  Many suggested that Sharon teach, but she was reluctant. “Who am I to teach them?” she asked me.  “I’m not above them in my level.  I don’t know any more than they do, nor do I have teacher training.  And, I don’t want people looking at me like they will; my community is so small that by giving this class I’ll become the ‘women’s teacher’.” Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year, wasn’t far away, and as the month of Elul progressed, more women approached Sharon to find out if the class was happening.  Sharon and I discussed the saying of Chazal:  “In a place where there is no man (to lead), you should be a man.  When there is someone else (who is equal to you), you should not be the man” (Brachos 63a).  It was a wonderful instinct for her to decline to give the shiur if there were others who could and would do just as well, but nobody was stepping up.  That left Sharon as the only woman standing, and we both knew that she was capable if she tried. Sharon finally agreed to give a one-shot in depth shiur on teshuva, repentance.  After weeks of preparing, the shiur went beautifully.  All the women could sense her sincerity as they worked through the topic together.  Positive feedback lead to the creation of a four part series on the Avos and Imahos (forefathers and mothers) which eventually became a weekly parsha (Torah portion read on Shabbos) shiur. By the end of the year, Sharon had become what she had been trying to avoid:  well-known.  She still wasn’t fully comfortable with it, but she realized that by giving herself over in this way, many women in the community were gathering together to learn in a way that they otherwise would not.  Many spoke of being inspired to grow